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Keoni
Well, this is my first Fanfic ever. Actually it's the first ever chapter of my first ever fanfic... I tend to get longwinded happy.gif

Read it and please review it. Suggestions are very welcome indeed. Oh, if I made mistakes, inform me and I'll try and fix'em. smile.gif
BTW: I'm no native speaker, so sorry for style-errors, spelling-mistakes etc. wink.gif

Chapter 1 Brothers

Alphonse Elric was leaning through the open window. The cool wind swept through his long blonde hair.
He sighed. Being unable to sleep, he had hoped that the sounds of a sleeping town would calm his mind.
But right now, the only sounds he could hear came from his snoring older brother.

“It’s not like I’m not happy.” Al told himself.
This world, as he still called it, centainly had it’s charm. And, as Ed had pointed out, it was a great new adventure.
But it wasn’t home. A year had passed, and not a day went by without Al think of home.
Ed had asured him, that this feeling would pass. But right now, Al wasn’t to sure about that anymore.
He turned away from the window and got into bed. He closed his eyes and hoped that he would fall asleep eventually.

In one fluent move, Edward got out of bed. Yawning and stretching, he walked over to the window.
Outside the sun was creeping over the hills, that surrounded the littlte village in Werstern Germany.
“Looks like we’ll have great weather today.” He turned around. “Al? Hey Al? Are you awake yet?”
Ed walked over to the other sid of the room. He looked at his younger brother.
“This sure is strange,” he thought, “usually he’s the one who wakes me up.”
But Al was lying in bed, clutching his pillow. He wasn’t making a sound, but he was obviously sleeping.
Ed Smiled. “Guess I’m going to get breakfast by myself then.”

“Good morning Herr Elric.” “Morning.” “Hello Edward dear.” “Good morning mrs. Schaefer.”
Greeting people left and right, Ed made his way to the store. Behind him a door swung open
and a young girl came bursting out. At the sight of Ed, she came to a full stop, looking slightly disappointed.
“Good morning Hilde.” he said, barely conceiling his grin. “G... goodmorning Ed.” “Is something wrong?”
“Yes, I mean No,.... uhm.. nice weather tody isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” said Ed, fighting to keep his voice casual. “Well, see you later Hilde.”
He started walking again. “Wait,” came Hilde’s voice. “Is... is Al alright? Since you’re always together..”
Ed turned around, now positively grinning. “Don’t worry, Hilde, Al’s fine as ever. He’s just sleeping that’s all. See ya.”

“Do you know who I ran into, while I was getting this? Hilde. I think she really wanted to run into you though..”
Ed carefully observed his brother, who was sitting at the oposite side of the table. What he saw alarmed him,
even more than Al waking up late, or Al being unusually quiet.. Al didn’t seem like himself today.
“She likes you,” Ed went on, “I’m sure of it. You always wanted a girlfriend, right? Well, here’s your chance.”
“Oh... yeah... I guess.” Al shrudged.
“Al? What’s wrong?” Al stared at his plate. “Nothing brother.”
“Don’t give me that. I know something’s wrong. What’s bothering you? Tell me. Maybe I can help.
If it’s about Hilde, I...” “What I really want, is for us to go home,” said Al, still staring at his plate.

The look on Ed’s face hardened. “We can’t.”
“Why not? Why won’t you even consider trying it?”
“Because it’s too dangerous, Al!”
“That never stopped you before! When we wanted our bodies back, we never gave up,
even if it was dangerous, not even once! Don’t you want to go home, brother?”
“What I want is irrelevant,” said Ed, “We can’t.”
Al got up so fast, he knocked down his chair. “Fine!” he shouted, walking to the front door
“I’ll go and find a way to get home all by myself!”
“Come on, Al. Be reasonable.”
“No! You should try being more reasonable brother!” Al said, slamming the door shut behind him.
Knil
Alphonse has a point thought Edward should want things more instead of giving back more I'd like another serving please!! biggrin.gif Seems good for only the first chapter but you may wanna make it a bit longer it was kinda short but I'll enjoy the next chapter I cant wait! smile.gif

Keoni
QUOTE(Knil @ Apr 19 2006, 10:45 AM) [snapback]383384[/snapback]

Alphonse has a point thought Edward should want things more instead of giving back more I'd like another serving please!! biggrin.gif Seems good for only the first chapter but you may wanna make it a bit longer it was kinda short but I'll enjoy the next chapter I cant wait! smile.gif


Thanks! laugh.gif
I'm working on the next chapter now. I'm trying to make it resonable lenght, but I'm kind of scared of getting longwinded.
*shudders thinking of stories that just go on and on and on and on...

Anywayz, thank you so much for replying. I really like getting reviews. happy.gif It provides me with new tools to work with wink.gif
GoldenbladeAlchemist
Wow.That. Was. Awesome!!!! laugh.gif That was a GREAT fanfic. Please, please, PLEASE MAKE MORE! If you don't, then I'll be sad... sad.gif
Keoni
QUOTE(GoldenbladeAlchemist @ Apr 19 2006, 08:07 PM) [snapback]383653[/snapback]

Wow.That. Was. Awesome!!!! laugh.gif That was a GREAT fanfic. Please, please, PLEASE MAKE MORE! If you don't, then I'll be sad... sad.gif


Thank you so much!
* feels all happy happy.gif

I think I'll have the next chapter up, around tomorrow. If my computer won't fail me, that is wink.gif
Keoni
Well, after suffering from a horrible writers block (Aaaah! What now? ) I've completed chapter two. I really tried to make it longer, but I seem to be limited to 800 words huh.gif
Anyway, I hope you like it happy.gif


Memories

Still fuming, Al kept a steady pace, walking through the village. He sure hoped he wouldn’t run into that Hilde-girl. True, there was a time, when getting a girlfriend seemed like a really important deal, but right now, he couldn’t care less.
Ed was being stupid. Well, Al didn’t need him. He’didn’t need anyboby. He would find a way home and he do so all by himself.
“Goodmoring Al!” Al looked up. In front of him stood the person he had least wanted to see. “Goodmorning Hilde.” said Al, trying to keep his lack of enthousiasm out of his voice. Hilde beamed at him. “Where are you going?” she asked. “Home,” he said, the words had left his mouth before he realised it. Hilde giggled. “Well, isn’t your house that way, silly?” Al sighed. This was going to be a long story.

Back at the house, Ed was still staring at the door. “What the hell was that all about?” Shaking his had, he got up and began to clean up the remainder of their breakfast. He kept seeing Al’s face, bearing that longing expression when he spoke about home. An expressing that had been a reflection of the feelings Ed had locked away a long time ago. Thinking of home wasn’t going to do either of them any good. Why couldn’t Al accept that? This was their home now, and the sooner he would accept that the better.
But without being able to stop it, images of home started to float in and out of his mind, their hometown, Central, the faces of the people he had left behind, for the second time. There was still so much he had wanted to tell them, things he didn’t say last time.
However, dwelling on those feelings, wasn’t something Ed allowed himself to do, not much anyway. He decide he would take a walk, try and clear his mind. By the time he got back, Al would surely be back too. He’d never stay away for long.

Al was obeserving Hilde’s reaction to his story. Her green eyes had widened, her mouth was slightly open. They were sitting near the river, in the shadow of an old oak tree.
“You have to believe me, Hilde, it’s all true. I swear.” There was a note of urgentcy in Al’s voice. Her eyes met his and she gave him a smile. “I always knew there was something very special about you.” Al raised his eyebrows. What on earth did she mean by that? Girls sure were strange. “Anyway,” he said, “My brother won’t even consider it. Everytime I bring it up, Ed goes all stoic on me.
“Did you say there was alchemy in your world?” Al nodded: “Yes, some people use it on daily bases. Why?” “Alchemy...” muttered Hilde, “alchemy...” She got up. “Come on, there’s someone I think you should meet.”

Ed had decided to go walking outside the village. It was hard to clear your head, if you had to say goodmorning every three steps. Besides, he liked to go there, the hills, the trees, it all seemed so familiar, almost like... He stopped. “Damn it! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I focus on anything else? Why does every single thing seem to remind me of home today?”
He leaned over the fence, surrounding the wheat field. The wind was sweeping his hair into his face, obscuring his view, but he didn’t really care. He looked at the village below him, but his vision became strangely blurred. Ed blinked, but that didn’t seem to help. A tear rolled down his cheek. Ed wiped it away, but more came, and for the first time in two years, Ed broke down and cried.

“My, my, my, looks like you’re having a really bad day, kid. Why are you crying?”
Ed jumped. He quickly wiped his eyes. “I’m not!” he said. “There’s.... there’s something in my eyes.” Ed turned to see who had spoked to him. Behind him stood an old man, leaning on his walking cane. His hair was long, grey and curly, his eyes light and blue. He seemed to be observing Ed.
“Er.. Goodmorning sir,” said Ed. “Goodmoring kid, I didn’t catch your name.” “I haven’t told you yet, but it’s Edward, Edward Elric.” Ed helt out his hand, but the old man didn’t take it.
“Ah, yes, Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. You are a bit shorter than I expected though.” Ed fired up at once: “Who are you clling small, you...” The man raised his hands, “Calm down Edward Elric. They were right about your temper.” He smiled. “Come with me, we have a lot to discuss.”
Knil
huh.gif ohmy.gif blink.gif What on EARTH?! So many questions and never enough time! This already got more interesting than before good work so far!! biggrin.gif cool.gif

(Writers Block the evil disease that affects so many of us all dry.gif )
Frozen Ice Alchemist
Who is that myterious old man!? Great update though! Better than chapter 1!
Nil-chan
Wow, nice job on getting started! Your english writing and grammar is very well done, especially considering that english isn't your first language. If i were to complain about anything in that respect, i would say maybe you have a lot of unnecisarry commas, but that's about all i can find. Your style is unique and very good!
You said that this was your first FMA fic, correct? THen allow me to congradulate you on your enterance into the wonderful world of FMA fanfic writing. Even though this is your first sic, you have a really good grasp of the characters and how to do them. Ed is perfect! Slightly spazzy, but accepting his fate, but still wanting something. Al is perfect- more-down-to-earth, more perseveering of his dream, less willing to accept reality. Amazing! Your other characters that you wrote your self are a good job too. They add some flavor and they aren't overbearing mary sues. I'd really like to see more interaction between the characters, the stuff you do here is great!
Your plot is also very well done. You've incorperated suspense and made the readers want more. The story moves along nicely, and a little fast. Not that that is bad, but i think your story would be much more enjoyable if you had more in there, backgorund detail and character interaction and stuff. The sensory detail you have is great! It's not all dialogue like a lot of stories. You describe the character's environments and the characters themselves perfectly.
I'm interested to see where you take this. WHo is this wierd guy? Will Ed and Al ever get back home? (I hope so....) I'm also curious to see if you add any pairings into this. *cough*royai*coughcough* Romance always adds a nice touch, but the whole story doesn't have to be romantic though.
Ok, so i've written you a book. Sorry! I've officially wasted your time, but i love writing and recieving long reviews, so, i gave you a long one. Have a cookie if you actually read through this long thing. Anyways, i'll leave you now, work on your next chapter, and update soon! I'll definatly be waiting!
Keoni
Thank you all so much for the reviews. biggrin.gif I'm glad you liked it! happy.gif Jeeej! I love reviews!

@ Knil: I know. I always need time to get a story going. It gets better down the road smile.gif ( I hope)

@ Frozen Ice Alchemist: Wouldn't you like to know. * Evil smile* I like cliffhangers happy.gif

@ Nil-chan: *finishes cookie and cup of tea* I really don't mind the lenght of your post, au contraire: I feel really happy you took the time to write it. As I said before, reviews give me dirrection. I'm used to doing Live story telling, so having no direct feedback is kind of weird to me.
I will definatelly take your suggestions to heart happy.gif
Mary Sues are my worst nightmare! *actually did an online test on Hilde


Well I'm working on the next one, it should be up somewhere around the end of the week.
Keoni
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! *bows repeatedly* This one took me longer than I expected, but it's done now. Again I tried to incorporate the reviews, and I hope you'll like it. For starters, it's longer laugh.gif Yihaa!
Enjoy!
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Morning Glow

The early sunlight glinted on a large window. In front of this window stood a tall man. He was looking out of the window admiring the sunrise. He liked the way it colored the surrounding buildings, making at seem as if the were on fire. He yawned and turned away from the beautiful view. In front of him stood his desk. It was a massy desk, covered with a few pictures, a clock, a vast amount of paperwork and a hand scribbled note. He walked over to the desk, picked up the note and read: Sir, You'll need to read and sign these documents. I will come and pick them up at 1200 hrs. Please do not leave them until the last moment…

Even though the note wasn’t signed, there was no doubt who had written it. He looked at the clock on his desk, 8:15. There was still plenty of time. Turing back to the view outside, his mind wondered off to the previous evening. He had gone on a, quite amusing, date. Victoria, a girl who worked at a bookstore nearby, had invited him to a play: Love Eventually. The play was very entertaining and Victoria had been good company.

Roy Mustang had feared his popularity with the opposite sex would have taken a plunge, due to his self invicted exile and demotion and his eye patch, with wasn’t to bad but did absolutely nothing for his looks. Fortunately that all didn't seem to bother them. It was more like the other way around, they all seemed to feel sorry for him, which opened up a whole new range of perspectives.

To make things even better, just one week ago, General Hakuro had stopped by his office. "General Hakuro, sir, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Roy had said. "First lieutenant Mustang, due to your work during the past year, military command has decided to promote you." "Thank you, Sir. This is a great honor." "Hold your horses, Mustang I'm not done yet. We have evaluated your work and decided that the rank of major wouldn't suit your abilities. Therefor we have decide to bestow on you the rank of colonel." Roy had been dumbstruck, "Sir… but why?" "Let's just say we didn’t quite agree with your demotion. Well then, Colonel Mustang, that will be all. Good day." The general had left the office, leaving Roy in a state of disbelieve mixed with euphoria.

His team had walked in and he welcomed them. Havoc had turned to him. "Lieutenant Mustang, I have an order for you, get me some coffee." Havoc had always enjoyed the fact that he could boss Roy around, but he didn't do it much. Roy had grinned, "You know, Havoc, I don't think I'll do that. I think you can get your own coffee." "You can't say that! That's insubordination!" "Oh?" Roy had said, and he had handed over the letter General Hakuro had given him. "Read this." The others had gathered around it. It had been quite amusing to see there reactions. Fuery had congratulated him, Breda had slapped him on the back, Falman just smiled and Havoc, who had first looked as if someone had stolen his birthday present, had smiled and congratulated him to. But what he remembered most was Riza's reaction. She had given him the sweetest smile he had ever seen, saluted him and said: "Welcome back, Sir."

Roy turned back to his desk. With a big yawn he sat down and glared at the stack of paperwork.. Suddenly he noticed a small envelope, sticking out from underneath it. He tugged it and looked at it. “Hmmm, no hearts, it's not scented, definitely not a love letter.” He opened it. As he read it he felt a jolt of excitement. "Finally," he whispered. This was something he could work with.
He got up and walked to the door. Before he left he took one last look at the paperwork. He could almost see Riza's reproachful face. But the paperwork would have to wait. Right now he had more important things to do.

Al was walking alongside Hilde. They had left the village and were walking uphill to where ever Hilde was taking him. They had entered the forest nearby the village. Al had never been here before. Although he could see it through his bedroom window, he had never felt the need to go there. It always looked dark an eerie, even from a distance. Walking through it a strange feeling crept up on him. There was a strange chill in the air, though it was a hot day. The trees were oddly shaped, the almost seemed deformed. It was natural for a forest to be shady, but somehow the shadows here were bearing a sense of forbidden. It was almost as if the forest itself was talking to him, stay away…Keep out. Al shivered.

Hilde seemed unaffected by all of this. She was walking next to him, chatting happily about a new dress she was getting.
"I like this one a lot," she said, referring to the light blue dress she was wearing, "but the colors have faded." "Uhu," said Al. "So I really need a new one. But picking a new dress is not as easy as it seems, mind you. I think I’ll get a green one. My mother says green will go nice with my eyes." "Uhu." "And a new apron of course. This one used to be white, can you believe it?" "Uhu." "And then I’ll buy a pink hat, stick a pair of antlers on it, along with some white lace and pink ribbons." "Uhu."
"AL!" Al jumped, "Sorry Hilde, you were saying?" "You haven’t heard a word I was saying, did you?" Hide's voice sounded hurt. "I'm really sorry," Al apologized, "please continue. What were you saying? " "Forget it. It's not important." "I really am sorry." "I know, don't worry about it. Guess dresses aren't really your thing anyway." Al laughed, "You got that right. So were are we going?" "You'll see. We'll be there soon."

In downtown Central, Roy had spend five minutes pounding on the door.
"Alright!” he shouted, " I'm going to give you ten seconds to open up, or I'll burn down your front door, got it! Ten.."
The sound of rushing feet. "Nine.." Something being knocked over. "Eight…" Somebody was mumbling something. "Seven.." And the door opened. "Finally! Do you have any idea how…. Whoa!" Roy staggered backwards and nearly tripped. He looked at the person who had answered The door, then at the number on the door, again at the person, back at the number, and again, back to the person. She smiled at him. "Colonel Mustang, I presume. Jean says give him two more minutes. Would you like to wait inside? I could make you some tea." Roy shook his head, his mouth still hanging open. He snapped out of it. "Er.. no thank you. I'll just wait right here." She gave him another smile. "Okay, he'll be right out."

After a short while, the door opened again. "Goodmorning, Sir. Sorry to keep you waiting."Jean Havoc ruffled in his breast pocked, dug up his cigarettes and lit one. He took a deep breath "So, where are we going?" "Did you have breakfast yet, Havoc" "No Sir." "Let's grab some then." "What do you have in mind?" Roy gave Havoc an evil smile. "I feel like shrimp."

The house was almost invisible through the trees. It looked old and derelict. If didn't know it was there, you would walk right passed it.
The old man held the door open. "Come in, Edward." Ed hesitated. Then he staitened his shoulders and entered. He froze on the threshold. "What the…..?"
Every square inch of the room was covered in markings, the walls, the ceiling, the floor. Even the furniture bored the signs of faded markings. They almost looked like… "Transmutation circles," whispered Ed. The old man walked over to the table and sat down on one of the chairs. He gestured to another chair. "Sit down, Edward. I already told you, we have a lot to discuss."

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That's it.. I took the liberty of making Roy a colonel again, because I think he should be laugh.gif Jeeej Taisa!
Anyway, tell me what you think of it
Maelyn Elric
Wow! This story's so cool! I can't wait to read more! happy.gif Keep up the good work!
IttyBittyPretty
It's a nice start, good work with the dialog - that can be such a b**** to work with at times.
I can understand Al's yearning to go home, but also Ed's caution. The elder Elric is maturing and he is starting to look before he leaps. Our feisty little punk is growing up. *wipes tear from eye* I feel so old! unsure.gif
IttyBittyPretty
To chapter two: WHOAH! That came out of left field and smacked me upside the head. But truly, why would I believe Hohenheim, Ed, Envy, and Al were the only ones from the alchemic world ever to travel to the machine (our) world? Would they be considered illegal immigrants because they didn't go through Customs? Sorry, stupid thing to say wink.gif Thinking out loud. I have a bad feeling about this old man, he may not have Ed's best interests at heart.

But hey, if you want to read a really long story, try "He Who Searches For Himself" by Yuuki Hikari. Chapter one is the shortest - at over 8,000 words long! It took me four days to read - ah! my eyes!

So don't worry about "being long winded", as long as you are satisfied with the direction you are going, it's all good.
Just in case: Yuuki's HWS directory
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