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Dark Human Alchemist
I dont own any of the FMA character but I did make up Lilly McKenzie.On with the story.

Chapater 1.

Alphonse looked down at his brother they walked away from their house, well the embers of their house. He looked down. Little did either of them know some one was watching, Aru sighed and followed his older brother. They now had nothing here but memories, some good alot bad. He scanned the horizon, he saw the Rockbell house. He looked right through the person, the person standing behind the trees, watching. He sighed once more and they carried on their way. Lilly looked at the boys leaving, she had been in this village since she was a baby. She could remember Alphonse as a child, they used to play together. He was always so caring and happy and then his mother died and then it happened. He lost his body, Edward lost his arm and leg. She whiped away a tear and turned away.
Aru and Edward walked through Central it had been ten years since they had left their home, left the village. Lilly was now 19, the same age as Alphonse. Ed and Aru walked into the main building and reported to Colnel Mustang, Ed sighed.
"Mustang, what do you want? I'm tired and I just want to get some rest," asked Ed sighing. Mustang smirked and eyed him up. Ed arched and eyebrow.
"There is a girl, she's reported to know something about the phillosphers stone, I want you to go and exscort {sp?} her here." He said smiling, Ed looked releaved. All he had to do was to baby sit somebody and then he was free.
"Age? Name? Place?" He asked.
"19, Lilly,you home village," he replied, Ed sighed, he knew there would be a catch. Well at least Winry will be happy he thought, holding a hand up to his forhead. He noticed his brother hadn't said anything, he looked up at him.
"Anything up Aru?" He asked, he knew something was up.
"Nothing brother, it's nothing," replied Aru. He wasn't Liar so he hated to do so. He remembered her, he also remembered what he felt about her, also not having the courage to tell her. He sighed and wished he could cry, he wished he had his memories back of her. He had so few of her, but he did remember feeling for her, caring for and about her.
Edward and Aru arrived at the vilage two days later. Aru smiled, he would tell him. He noticed something smiling at him, well not something a child, a girl. He waved and the girl laughed. She was holding someones hand.
"Sister look its a robot," she said giggling looking up at the girl, the two weren't related you could see that. The older girl smiled and patted the younger girls head.
"Mea he's not a robot, he had an accident with alchemy and his brother attached his soul to this suit so he wouldn't be lost," she said kneeling down the girl looked puzzeled but eventuly {sp?} got it.
"So he's the fullmetal alchemist?" She asked giggling, Ed twitched and Aru shrunk back into the distance a bit.
"NO I AM," shouted Ed. The older girl stood up and scowled at Ed harshly.
"There is no need to shout at her, she's only a child, she didn't know," she snapped. She picked up the child and soothed her, tucking a peice of her red hair behind her ear, she walked off up the path. Ed remained standing still looking shocked, Aru was trying his hardest not to snicker.
"Who do you think you are?" Shouted Ed at the mystery girl. She stopped and turned around.
"Lilly Mckenzie, Edward my dear shrimp people change over time, so keep your temper when you talk to me or i might forget something," she said. She carried on walking. How dare they she thought How dare they come back after 9 years, and Aru she thought he cared not even a letter she sighed. She turned into a garden and knocked on the front door a woman the image of the child appeared, Lilly bowed and walked out waiting for the brothers to cath up after Ed had finished his hissy fit. Lilly smiled at Alphonse. She walked beside him.
"You could have wrote," she said looking, down. A tear rolled down her cheek she didn't want either of them to see. He had left with out saying good bye to any one not her, not Winry, not any one. At least they had taken the time to see Winry. She watched the tear drop splash on the dirt. Alphonse sighed. He hated seeing her like this, his emotions for her came rushing back and once again he felt like crying. He stopped walking.
"Im sorry," he whispered Lilly heard it. She lost her temper her wasn't sorry, otherwise he wouldn't of done it.
"No your not," she replied she ran of up the path towards her small house.
"Lilly," Alphonse started but stoped, she wasn't paying any attention. He didn't blame her, he should of wrote. Edward had been watching from a distance, he saw his brother hurting and walked over to him.
"Come on Aru lets go and see Winry, give Lilly some time to think," two minutes later, Ed was layin on his back a wrench beside his head. Aru sighed, he saw her she was sitting in the feild, reading something. He sighed he had forgotten how much he had missed her.
Radical Alchemist
You, semi-separated paragraphs and I was able to read it, for this I thank you.

Alright now onto the real stuff.

What we have here is a good old Mary-sue.. And not just any mary-sue, but the stereotypical friend-of-the-Elric-brothers-when-they-were-tots™ sue. And especailly her relating to them in a way which was definitely not in the story. Not that I have a problem with altering it a bit for creative purposes. Note the creative. It's alright when it's done creatively but this was not. There are probably near hundred of mary-sue fanfictions with this same plot device, and virtually the same character.

Childhood friend, pretty, sassy, has a heart, sounds just like Winry, does it not? Seems like a literal clone, and no, just because she's for Al does not make it cute. In fact, I don't really see any apparent flaws in your character (and noble ones don't count). I can't get past the fact that she was just as close to the Elric Brothers as Winry was, that alone has sue written all over it. She pretty much just seems what she is, so perfect she's bland. Anybody can come up with perfect, but it's hard to have a flawed, genuinely realistic character.

Not only is she, basically Winry, she shares the same emotions as Winry about the Elric's journey. Crying as they leave whilst gazing at their burning house? Yelling at them for not visiting her or writing? Seems like an even more sappy wangst version of Winry. Only you added the random fits of sue-emotion.

You seem to be making Ed into the bad guy here. That whole, your fullmetal? No I'M Fullmetal had already been getting old in the show, putting it into a fanfic won't raise so much of a chuckle... but instead a collective sigh of "Where have we heard THIS before?" I doubt Ed would react the way he did to a child, If somebody like Roy or Denny said it'd be a different thing. But to a child Ed'd be smart enough to either calmly correct her, or blow it off entirely. Though, this DOES give your mary-sue a chance to show of how MADLY righteous she is, right? Ed wouldn't have a "hissy fit" either, but instead probably tackle the problem directly.

I understand where your coming from, and let me just say I'm not a huge fan of Ed either. But whilst writing a fanfic with him in it please at least do him, and the show justice and portray him the way he canonly is. Not as just a sniveling baby!

You seem to be pulling a Disappearing Al™ on us, only the victim of it is Ed. Allow me to explain... In most all Mary-sue fictions the sue becomes absolutely SMITTEN with Edward, they go off and have romantic conversations while poor Alphonse is left behind in the stupidest of ways to the point where he's just forgotten all-together. This is strange, judging by the fact that Al and Ed are always together! Though you're not doing this with Al, it's the same basic concept.

Please, view my review for what it is. Not a personal attack on you as a person.


Haldir of Lorien
I agree with Rad,
And I noticed this small litle detail in the first pargraph or so,but I don't want to be picky,but A Lot is two words

Sorry my English teacher has been pointing that out al year so I hafta bring up something about it. biggrin.gif
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