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****DOES CONTAIN SOME LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE (more in other Chapters, besides One.) ****This story reveals the other side, the side of Dante, the creator of the homunculi. This is showing the life of Dante, the homunculi and many other characters along the way.

Setting:
Orleans, France during a war in 1542 against England.

=--MINOR SPOILERS- CHAPTER ONE(ALL OF THIS POST)--=


----Please read this, it's all one chapter. I want your opinion, please.----


Dante & The Homunculi

Chapter One

May 15. 1542

A war between England and France is occurring. England has already invaded many cities, including Orléans, France.

A dark and gloomy day in Orléans. “Mother, why do we need to leave?”
“Dante, don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.” “Mother don’t forget father’s book.” “Come on Dante, let’s go. Forget the book” The mother and the child leave, as the father is off in England fighting in the war.

Mother and young Dante meet other relatives down the street and started off to Rome, carrying all their possessions. Behind them can be seen a group of English Soldiers burning down the houses they were previously in.

Dante and her relatives make it to a near by city of Le Arit the next day. “Oh’ hello Dante. It’s been a while since we have last met. I am your Aunt Clara. Do you remember me? How old are you?” her aunt asks. Dante pulls on her mother’s dress, hiding her face. “Don’t be shy.” her mother said. “I… am seven.” Dante responded. “Wow. Seven…” her aunt responds.

October 9. 1547

“What do you mean father isn’t coming back?!” Dante yelled. “I am sorry. I should have told you earlier… but your father ….” Dante’s mother begins to cry as Dante is sobbing. “I told him not to go, but he felt it was his duty to serve his country…” Dante’s mother said.

August 27. 1551

“I’ve had it! If it will make you happy go back to Orléans! But it will only cause you more pain than anything!” Dante’s mother yelled across the room. “So I will! Maybe then I can find the real truth!” Dante yelled back. Dante left the house with only the clothes on her back, back to Orléans.

October 21. 1551
“Where is it…?” Dante thought to herself looking at the town which was once Orléans, but now only ashes and ruins. Dante looked all over the rubled town for her house. She walked over to Street 4. “Here we go…” she thought to herself. Dante walked into the house she onced lived in, some what burnt down. Dante looked around, with memories flashing through her mind when looking at parts of the house. She looked into he parent’s bedroom, and remembered the day her father left, and her sister was rushing to the door. Her sister rushed to the door to give her father the book her father left in their bedroom. “No, no. Leave this here. I will be back soon.” Dante’s father said to her sister. Her sister looked down at the book and glanced back up to her father as he left. Dante now looking through the house and came across her bedroom. Dante remember the one day… the day her brother died, in her bedroom. Her brother was only 6 months old. It was a cold October day, Dante’s father had called over Friar Lawrence to baptise Dante’s younger brother. Later. her mother noticed her brother was shivering and tried wrapping him in all the blakets they had. “Mother, why did you take my blanket?” Dante asked. Her mother replied, “I need to keep brother warm…” Four hours later, her brother died.

“Yes…” Dante said to herself. She picked up her father’s book that he had left behind. She brushed the ashes off the cover of it and skimmed through the pages. “Finally…”

March 15. 1554
“Do you take Dante as your wife?” Friar Lionel asked? “Yes…” Hohenheim answered. “And do you, Dante, take Hohenheim as your husband?” “Yes…” Dante replied. “I pronounce you husband and wife.” Friar Lionel said, “You may kiss.”

December 17. 1554
Horio was born, Dante and Hohenheim’s son.

March 15. 1559

Hohenheim has been ill very about nine months as of now. He has had a horrible cough and his muscles get very weak at times, he isn’t even able to get out of bed. Dante walked up to the ill Hohenheim in bed. “What is it?”, Hohenheim asked. “Here I don’t know if this will be any use, but it is a book. About alchemy…”

“Hello Ms Dante!” Kuki said, her neighbor. Dante looked over from picking flowers from her garden and saw young Kuki. Kuki was about seventeen years old. “Hello!” Dante replied, “How are you?” Kuki replied, “Good, you Ms Dante?” “Pretty good, thanks for asking.” “How’s Mr Hohenheim?” Kuki asked. “He’s been better.” Dante said.

July 23. 1559

Hohenheim has been studying more alchemy and been some what better feeling enough to perform some of it. He has learned how to transform rock into pure silver. And Horio takes the silver into town to but medicine for his father. Hohenheim has also discovered since the simple medicine is made up of a few herbs, he learned how to break down the substances into pure substances. His son being four years old, has been watching his father study and experiment. “Don’t tell anyone about what we are doing.” Hohenheim said to Horio. “Why?” Horio asked. “Just don’t...” Hohenheim replied.

May 14. 1570

Hohenheim has been very ill but he still has been practicing alchemy. He has been taking notes and observing alchemy for the past eleven years. He has almost found a cure for his illness. As he has been studying the obvious alchemy from what was written in the book, Dante has been decoding her father’s notes, and discovered something beyond anyone’s imagination…

March 13. 1573

“Run down to the city for me.” Hohenheim said to Horio. “It’s always about you. You don’t even care about me!” Horio snapped back. “You are my son dammit! You do as I say!” Hohenheim yelled. “Yes sir…” Horio gave in.

“I am here to pick up my father’s medicine as I have been for the last fourteen years…” Horio said. “Here you are sir.” the pharamist said. “Thank you…” Horio said. Before Horio went straight home, he went to the castle.

“Hello. Is the King here?” Horio asked a servant at the door. “Yes.” the servant responded. “May I please have a word with him?” Horio asked. “No, but I may relay a message to him if you want me to.” “Yes, I know of a man in the outskirts of town, and he practices and performs alchemy…” Horio said. “I must go tell the King right away, he won’t cause you any more pain or misery, he will be killed tomorrow.” the servant told Horio. “Thank you…” Horio said before leaving.

March 14. 1573

That morning…
“Horio said something…” Dante said. “What did he say?” Hohenheim asked. “He told the King’s servant that he knows some man on the outskirts of town who performs alchemy.” “Who did you hear this from?” Hohenheim asked. “Horio told me himself. He felt guilty and didn’t want you to be killed. We should leave.” Dante said.

Late that evening…
Hohenheim is in his little lab by himself packing up all the bottles of chemicals to leave the next morning. Hohenheim has many flashbacks of him and Horio and wonders why he told the King. And comes to a conclusion that Horio probably will tell the King that it was him, Hohenheim, who was performing alchemy the next day. Hohenheim went back into his bag he packed up the chemicals and found one. “Mercury…” Hohenheim thought to himself, “If…” Hohenheim left is lab and went into Horio’s bedroom. Hohenheim opend up the bottle of mercury and poured the powder, deadly, substance near Horio’s nose. Horio, being human soon inhaled a small almount of of and stopped breathing.

March 15. 1573

It was early in the morning. It was bright and cool outside with the trees regaining there leaves back and the flowers blooming again for another year outside.

“Come on let’s go. I have everything we need.” Hohenheim said. “Let me go get Horio” Dante said. Dante walked into his bedroom to find him dead. “Hohenheim!!!!! Horio is dead!!!!” Dante yelled and bursted out into tears. Hohenheim came rushing into the room. He started crying aswell, regreting the pitiful reason he murdered his son. It wasn’t until this day did Dante learn the most important rule of alchemy, Equivalent Exchange.

Hohenheim put his son’s body in a bag to carry, and then they all left, Dante, Hohenheim, and their dead son. They brought their son’s body along to burry it along the way.

March 16. 1573

Dante, “I know something…” “And that is…?” Hohenheim asked. “In The Book, there was a secret message.” “And it was…?” Hohenheim asked again. “We can bring back Horio… a Human Transmutation. With your powers and my knowledge, I think we can bring him back…”

Hohenheim unwrapped his son’s body and laid it about a transmutation circle. Dante read off the ingredients to bring someone back, as Hohenheim got them out of his bag. Once they had gotten everything out, Hohenheim clapped his hands and said under his mind, “Please Almighty Creator, of Earth, Stars, and Life, Please Help Me Bring Horio Back, God!” Hohenheim put his hands on the transmutation circle and a bright glow appeared.

March 18. 1573

“Wake up! Wake up!” Hohenheim woke up. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Hohenheim said, “Dante!” Dante woke up. “We did it…” Hohenheim said. Sitting before them on the ground was their son, Horio, who had woke Hohenheim up.

December 23. 1575

“Today, I am 40 years old…” Dante said to Hohenheim, “We must head off to Vasilles.” “Why?” Hohenheim asked. “That is a small town from here, with not many people. We can use them…”

January 2. 1576

“We can use all of them.” Dante said. Hohenheim went throughout town gathering the people for a meeting, inside town hall. The townspeople were amazed at the huge design on the ceiling and the floor of the City Hall building they enter. When they all had entered. Hohenheim went outside and sealed the door shut using alchemy. The huge arrays on the ceiling and on the floor began to glow and the townspeople were frantic for never seeing such a sight before. Dante rose her hands into the air and clapped them shut and with the other ingridents, had created the almighty, sought after but many alchemists, Philospher’s Stone. Allowing any alchemist to bypass any law of alchemy, even Equivalent Exchange.

January 3. 1576

“According to my father’s notes, more the sacrafice, the longer the stone will last.” Dante said.

Dante, Hohenheim, and the Horio brought back to life, were lost in the middle of now where. They continued walking, trying to find a town.

January 26. 1576

“Sure, yall can stay with us.” a young, friendly man said. “Thank you so much.” Dante said. “This here is my dog, Zul. He won’t cause ya any harm.”, John said, the young man.

February 12. 1576

It was a cold, windy morning. “I don’t have much longer…” Hohenheim said to his son and his wife, Dante. John and Zul were already up, trying to mix together some simple herbs for Hohenheim. “Horio, go outside.”, Dante said. “Why mother?” “Please, just leave.” Dante insisted. Horio went outside, sitting on the steps and realized the sun was rising. It being a cold, windy, winter morning the horizon was filled with clouds. Zul came outside, and laid on the step next to Horio. Horio flashed through many thoughts, and couldn’t remember anything about being younger. He petted Zul on the head.

“John! Hohenheim is dying!” Dante yelled from the bedroom. John came rushing in. “Where are you Dante?” John asked. The door slammed behind John, Dante was hiding behind the door. She ripped out the stone from her pocket and shoved John onto Hohenheim’s dying body on the bed. Within a red flash, Hohenheim’s body was torn up, with blood splatted throughout the room. Dante had transferred Hohenheim’s soul from his body into John’s body, killing John. “I can’t stay here, I don’t know how to explain this to Horio.” Hohenheim said. “No. No don’t leave. I’ll tell him.” Dante said ressuringly. “No.” was Hohenheim’s last words. Hohenheim opened up the window and left Dante, and poor Horio sitting on the front steps.

February 14. 1576

“Why did my father leave?” Horio asked. “Your father had to leave because he found out the King he was performing the forbidden alchemy and he would be killed.”, Dante said, “He said he wil me up with us later.” Horio left the room and went and sat out on the steps. Horio has a weird occurrence. He remembered something… but what. “I remember that… father left because the King was… going to kill him…” he thought to himself.

October 31. 1576

Dante had almost reached the end of her life. Her, her son, and Zul had continued living in John’s house since Hohenheim left. Dante still was trying to figure out why Hohenheim left. And over the past nine months, Horio never knew anything about Hohenheim’s soul being transferred. “Can you please do me a favor…?”, Dante asked, “You know that girl next door, please get her, I got something to tell her…” “Okay mother.” Horio said.

Horio went next door and got Elizabeth. “My mother said she needs to talk to you before she died…” Horio said. “Alright…” Elizabeth said.

“Come near young child…” Dante said. Elizabeth came closer. “Closer, I got something to…-“ Dante started gagging, “-to tell you.” “Do you want me to leave mother?” Horio asked. “No… please stay…” Elizabeth came closer. Dante reached up behing her neck and pulled her, skin to skin… within a flash, Dante’s body was dead, with blood splattered over the walls like Hohenheim’s was. Horio was… terrified…

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MOTHER?!”, Horio yelled in fear. Elizabeth’s body turned around to face Horio, “I am your mother, Horio…”

November 1. 1577

“It’s been over a year…” Dante said softly to herself. Dante went outside to see Horio sitting on the steps. Dante sat down next to him. Horio started coughing. “You need something…” Dante said to him. She reached out of her pocket, and pulled out a little clothe with something wrapped up. She unwrapped it. “Here…”, Dante said. She handed over a red, meat looking substance. Horio ate it. Horio’s throat was too sore, so he didn’t bother saying it, but he wanted to say “Thank you. It tasted good.”

Later that night…

Horio was laying bed, almost asleep when Dante came in silently. She stuck her hand under Horio’s left shoulder, and felt something she never felt before. “It’s all you’re father’s fault…”, Dante said softly to herself, “If he didn’t have to tranfer his soul to… John’s body… if only he had listened to me… then-” Horio woke up immediatley, his eyes wide open. Dante stared into his eyes, through the darkness of the room, and saw it, his pupils in his eye’s, a split down the center, like a cat’s. “Uh” Dante sighed softly, “It is true…”

November 2. 1577

Dante told Horio, “Your father, Hohenheim, killed you. He killed you with all of his mind, heart, and soul into it. He was washing his hands of you for once and for all. Then stupidly he regreted it. He realized that he needed you to do his dirty work for him. Killing, murdering, hundreds of innocent people. So he tried reviving you, bringing you back to life. And so he did. He brought you back to perform all of his dirty work for him. Then, he left you, because again, he felt he was done with you. He left me and you over a year ago. So I could raise you by myself. Your father hated you so with all of his heart. And he hated me aswell.” Dante said.
“I am going to kill that son of a bastard…”, Horio said. “You are no longer Horio…”, Dante said, “You are now… Envy.” “Envy…” Horio said. Envy raced out the door in search of his father, to kill him.

December 17. 1577

It has been over a month since envy left Dante alone. Since then, Dante has been trying to decode her father’s notes in his Book, to figure out if there is anyway to reverse her actions, of making Horio into a mature homunculi. “Dammit…” Dante says low to herself. Realizing she can’t.

December 31. 1577

Dante has been doing more research on how to bring a human from the dead, to life. She has been studying on this because she feels she need to correct her mistake, of making Horio, her son, a full blood, mature homunculi. She noticed in her father’s notes, that to make the homunculi more immune to becoming mature, to use the Philsopher’s Stone to help create the homunculi. And when making the stone, you must upper the sacrafice to make the stone. “I am going to do it…” Dante thought to herself.

March 17. 1578

Dante wakes up to the knocking on the door early in the morning. “Who comes this early…?” Dante thought to herself. “Hey, long time no see…”, Envy said, “I have slained my father and removed his flesh from his body, leaving only his bones…”, Envy said holding out a sack wrapped up. “Good… good…”, Dante said, “Why don’t you come in and stay for a while?” Envy replied, “Sure.”

Dante made some coffee for Envy as the sat at the table. Dante did feel a bit awkward for the fact the man she killed by transferring Hohenheim’s soul into three years ago, living in the house they are sitting in now, is sitting next to her on the floor.


August 24. 1578

Dante and Envy have been living in the same house. Zul just died the other day. Dante, “I am going to Paris…” “Why?”, Envy asked confusingly. “I need to gain something I lost…”, she stood up and grabbed Eny’s hand, “You should be on your own journey’s and maybe one day we will come across each other.”, Dante said. Dante grabbed out of the sack, the skull of Hohenheim’s previous body. She went outside and started he trek off to Paris, the head capital, and military capital of France.

January 27. 1579

Envy left the house Dante was living in. He was out to find his own answers. He went into a local town an noticed many people of great wealth. They would be wearing gold or jewels around there necks. In the market place, they were selling many valuable rings and neckalces for high prices. And he wanted them…

Envy went up to one of the stands, with some of the more valuable jewels, took them, and ran off. The townspeople chased him through the city. The man chasing him had a knife and caught up up to Envy and stabbed him in his back. The man let go of the knife and saw Envy turn around to face him. The others that were chasing him stood there a bit father from the one who had the knife in astonishment. “So you thought you could kill me…”, Envy said punching the man who stabbed him across the face. The other townspeople had never seen anything like this… and the all ran off.

December 18. 1582

Envy made his way through the city of Arles. He found in a blink of an eye, the love of his life. Verona… short with long brown hair and green eyes. He met her while he was in the market, but little did he know, she was the princess of Arles…

When he went to the castle and confronted her, he found to his dis-belief, she was enganged to a the prince of Vasilles, Oiroh. He was tall, with dark blue eyes and blond hair. Envy thought to himself as he left the castle pissed, “He’s everything I’m not. He’s handsom, loyal, intelligent, brave, and I am none of that… that bastard…”

February 7. 1583

Dante has finally made it to Paris. She made her way to the veteran graveyard, and found her father’s grave. “Lionel Alchimie…”, Dante said, “1516-1543.” Dante looked over to her left. “What… MOTHER?!”, She said to herself. “Madlene Alchimie 1520- 1552”, the tombstone read. “How… how could this have happened?!”, she thought to herself. “Excuse me, who are you?” a voice came from behind Dante. Dante turned around to find someone who looked like her mother. “Mother…?”, Dante asked. “No, my mother is burried here.”, the woman said. “Sister!?”, Dante asked. “No, I have no siblings.”, the woman said. “Who are you?” “I am Avril, and yourself…?”, the woman asked. “Dante… But how. I am Madlene’s first daughter. I was born in 1535.” “YOU WERE BORN IN 1535?! ARE YOU A GHOST?!”, the woman screamed, knowing if the time was right, Dante would be fourty-eight years old. “No, I am not a ghost, but I am fourty-eight…”, Dante said.

Dante calmed Avril down they went to the local café. “So you are Madlene’s daughter…?”, Dante asked. “Yes.” “Who’s your father?”, Dante asked. “I don’t know. She Madlene passed away when I was two years old.” “Oh’.”, Dante said.
“I do have something I took from my house before they sent me to a forster home, and the was mother’s diary. She was very ill, and wrote about how much she missed you. She started writing in that thing around 1535, around when you were born. She wrote about you a lot and was sad when you two fought. She said she thought of herself of a failure…”, Avril said, “She was upset when you left and prayed each night for you to return safely. She soon afterwards got sick and was nearing her death. She wanted to have a child, to prove she wasn’t a failure, but was unable to get pregnant. A man of great alchemical powers came and helped her get prgnant, using his alchemy. The diary reads, “O’ how thou is so great. Heavenly Lord gave me the blessing of a man of such power. The man with magical powers beyond one’s imgination. With the blond hair, silky and like a filed or wheat blowing in thy wind, gold eyes of such wonder and power at once… A blessed Gift from God…””, Avril read. Dante is just staring at the table, thinking. “Also in mother’s diary, she left a note.”, Avril said, handing the note over to Dante. Dante read it to herself,

February 18. 1552
Dear Madlene,

My dear love, I am sorry but I must go. Please, I wish you best of luck to you and Avril. I am sorry, the illness I have, I got from you from getting you pregnant, I cannot live here anymore. Equivalent Exchange is a pityful law. Leaving my with my illness. I do not want Avril to contain the illness from me so I am leaving. And please, do not weep over my passing, but look upon of it a chapter in life that cannot be erased.
I will miss you, my beloved family…

Love,
Hohenheim

[u][/u][u]
Radical Alchemist
Your spelling is good and You have good ideas I'm sure but your lack of description and dialogue are extremely awkward, as well as your un-necessary paragraphing and not paragraphing when it is necessary.

Let's count the Dante's in this paragraph, shall we?

QUOTE
“Where is it…?” Dante thought to herself looking at the town which was once Orléans, but now only ashes and ruins. Dante looked all over the rubled town for her house. She walked over to Street 4. “Here we go…” she thought to herself. Dante walked into the house she onced lived in, some what burnt down. Dante looked around, with memories flashing through her mind when looking at parts of the house. She looked into he parent’s bedroom, and remembered the day her father left, and her sister was rushing to the door. Her sister rushed to the door to give her father the book her father left in their bedroom. “No, no. Leave this here. I will be back soon.” Dante’s father said to her sister. Her sister looked down at the book and glanced back up to her father as he left. Dante now looking through the house and came across her bedroom. Dante remember the one day… the day her brother died, in her bedroom. Her brother was only 6 months old. It was a cold October day, Dante’s father had called over Friar Lawrence to baptise Dante’s younger brother. Later. her mother noticed her brother was shivering and tried wrapping him in all the blakets they had. “Mother, why did you take my blanket?” Dante asked. Her mother replied, “I need to keep brother warm…” Four hours later, her brother died.


That's ten Dante's

Now as opposed to repetitively reminding us of who the "paragraph" is about over and over until it's hammered into are heads. Why not be creative and refer to her as something else besides her name, adding a Dante only now and again? You could refer to Dante as "The young girl" "The lost runaway" These are just crappy examples but it's better then Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante.

I'm going to space your paragraphs where dialogue goes as well, honestly it's like you guys don't read books sometimes, dialogue is not mashed together in a big heaping pile of words! It's lazy and hard to read!

QUOTE
“Do you take Dante as your wife?” Friar Lionel asked? (un-necessary question mark after asked)
“Yes…” Hohenheim answered.

“And do you, Dante, take Hohenheim as your husband?”

“Yes…” Dante replied.

“I pronounce you husband and wife.” Friar Lionel said, “You may kiss.”


Though still fairly bland wasn't it more of a treat for the eyes then that huge mesh of dialogue? Don't give me the "that's my style excuse" please, believe it or not, people consider that a style blink.gif

Next is your writing descriptions. Remember, a long time ago (or short time maybe for you, I don't know how old you are) in third grade when you'd write a paper and it would go something like,

"The dog went outside to play. The dog rolled the ball to another dog. The dog and the other dog decided to become best friends. The dog and the other dog chased a cat."

And so on and so forth, that's what your writing vaguely reminds me of.

A sample "paragraph" from your story.

QUOTE
Hohenheim is in his little lab by himself packing up all the bottles of chemicals to leave the next morning. Hohenheim has many flashbacks of him and Horio and wonders why he told the King. And comes to a conclusion that Horio probably will tell the King that it was him, Hohenheim, who was performing alchemy the next day. Hohenheim went back into his bag he packed up the chemicals and found one. “Mercury…” Hohenheim thought to himself, “If…” Hohenheim left is lab and went into Horio’s bedroom. Hohenheim opend up the bottle of mercury and poured the powder, deadly, substance near Horio’s nose. Horio, being human soon inhaled a small almount of of and stopped breathing.


QUOTE
Hohenheim is in his little lab by himself packing up all the bottles of chemicals to leave the next morning.


"Little", I think, was an un-necessary description. "Small" though still un-necessary, would have been a better word.

QUOTE
Hohenheim has many flashbacks of him and Horio and wonders why he told the King. And comes to a conclusion that Horio probably will tell the King that it was him


Why not describe the flashbacks? Give us insight into where Hoenheim is coming from that leads him to the conclusion he should kill his own son, which i think is very out of character for Hoenheim in the first place. However, if your description and insight on him were better, you could probably make it happen. Describe his plunge into madness that would make him do such a thing. Don't make him seem like just a ruthless killer! It seems here you want us to sympathize, but with the way you've set this up, you've made it really hard for the reader to sympathize with any of these characters.

It's a non-canon event, Hoenheim did not kill his own son. Traces of mercury (around that time) were found in water supplies since they did not have filters as we do today. Symptoms of mercury are loss of weight, physcological disturbances, oral cavities, clammy hands and feet and so on. (all found here: http://curezone.com/dental/mercury_symptoms.asp ) You can't just give somebody some mercury then have them die the next day. It's a gradual process if not treated immediatly. What would have been more appropriate is if you had him slowly go through the symptoms of mercury, all the while having Hoenheim watch, if it's the angst your going for.

Speaking of the angst, I found a lot of it was misplaced and done in rather... awkward ways. Rather then having your characters randomly scream at eachother, why not describe how their feeling?


I also think you need to do more research on not only the show, but alchemy itself, as well as the whole mercury thing. I'm currently writing a drabble that takes place at a funeral, I spent a good amount of time researching eulogies.

You just need to spend more time working on this in general. Don't be so eager to hit the submit button! It's very tempting but you need to hold back until you've looked over every aspect of your fanfic and made sure it was nice and shiny for us to read.

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