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FMAlover^
Title: A visit
Description: Ed and Al returns to Rizenbul.It seems that there something wrong with Winry.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and such...
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This is my 1st fanfic ever and i edited it a few times before it turns out like this. My
grammar,spelling and vocab might not be very good. I am bad at naming things so that explains
why the title is simple.I hope I'll have some comments to improve. Hope you like it and thanks for
reading my fanfic.
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~1st chapter~
Back to my hometown , again.

After a long and tiring ride, both of them reached their destination , Rizenbul ,their home.Its some
time since they traveled back home. Nothing seems to change. Their home was still as beautiful ,
the lake was still as clear as crystal , the air was always so fresh and things were as peaceful as
ever. Children were running all around , like what they always when they were still young , running
all about.

"Nii-san , do you still remember what we did when we were young?"

"Yeah , we were like them..."

And a conversation started as they were walking to the Rockell residence . They were talking
happily till a voice interrupted their conversation.

"Hey! Can't you call us or write us a letter when you're comming back?"

A familiar voice was heard. Ed looked up , and it was Winry staring at them . She always greeted
Ed with her wrench hitting his head but this time it missed. Ed was delighted that he can skip
getting hit from Winry's wrench. He felt weird too. Winry never missed him on his head , its the
first time she missed. Al was a bit puzzled too , Winry can aim very well due to practising on Ed
everytime when he makes her angry.
Ed intended to tease Winry about missing her wrench at him but it seems that Winry could
foresee that Ed has damaged his auto-mail. Ed and Al went into her house and went into their room
to out their suitcase down. Ed started looking around once he entered the living room , thinking
that Winry will throw her wrench at him when he entered but she was nowhere to be seen.
Normally she will start scolding and shouting at Ed once he return. But this time it was different ,
she went straight to her workshop as soon as she missed the wrench at him.

'Is she angry or what?She's acting weird today. I hope she won't throw another wrench at me
today.'

Thoughts began to fill Ed's mind. But his train of thoughts were broken when Al called Ed. Al said
that Winry wants him to tell Ed to go to her workshop after he has settled down. Ed answered Al
with weird look on his face. He went directly down to her workshop , ready to get his auto-mail
fixed . Ed soon sat down and looked at Winry , trying to figure out why is she so weird ealier on.
But its seems that she's alright. Winry sat down next to Ed , took out her tools and began fixing
his auto-mail without asking anything. Ed broke the silence and asked if Winry was fine. She
replied that she was fine. Ed was worried and he looked at Winry , she looked very tired.

" Umm...Winry , you sure you are okay? You look tired."

"I am okay and don't talk to me when I am fixing your auto-mail if not I will not be able to
concentrate that much."

Ed doesn't seems content with that answer Winry gave and repeated that question again and
again. Winry kept repeating the same answer .

"You sure you are really okay? If you don't feel well, you can fix my auto-mail later."

Winry was very annoyed as she wanted peace when she fixed his auto-mail. She wanted him to
keep quiet without shouting at him.

"You forced me to do this, okay?"

Ed was puzzled by what she said. What he made Winry wanted to do?Winry walked away and ran
through her toolbox and took out her wrench and hid it behind her. She faced Ed with an evil grin.
Ed was a little confused and moved his head slightly so that he could see what was she holding
behind her.But still she hid it so well that he can't see anything.He knew something bad was going
to happen . Shortly after he realised that , he felt something hard knocked against his head and
fell unconcious.

"This will keep him quiet for the while and I owe him that knock on his head."

Winry went on fixing his auto-mail with peace . It took some time to completely fix his auto-mail.
Winry felt much tired than usual and went straight to her room and slept, leaving Ed unconcious in
the workshop. Ed slept there in an uncomfortable position for some time. He woke up soon
realising that Winry was gone . He reached out his head and rubbed his head where Winry had hit
him. The door creaked and Al entered the room.

"Nii-san, why are you still here? Winry has finished fixing your auto-mail long ago."

"I tried to ask her if there's something wrong with her or if she's unwell a few times. She did
answered me but I wasn't content with that answer and continued asking. And you know , she got
annoyed and hit me with her precious wrench... "

"I see..."

Al then walked out of the room and Ed was still sitting down on the chair not willing to move yet.
He felt lazy and still a little sleepy , even after that short nap. It wasn't enough for him , what
more , it wasn't comfortable. He was still curious. Was Winry sick or what? Or is she angry. He
finally stood up and walked up into Winry's room . He knocked on the door and went in . Winry was
sleeping peacefully on her bed . He didn't want to disturb her but he had the urged to place his
flesh hand on her forehead to check if she's really alright. He then followed what he felt like
doing . He placed his hand on her forehead gently . Winry opened her eyes slowly , she felt ed's
hand placed on her forehead. She moved his hand away and sat up.

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please comment. thanks for reading smile.gif
theothersin
Wow, okay well...first let me say I'm very blunt when it comes to comments and critisim, and that anything I say is my attempt at helping you. That said, I'll move on to the harsh stuff.

QUOTE

Back to my hometown , again.

After a long and tiring ride, both of them reached their destination , Rizenbul ,their home.Its some
time since they traveled back home. Nothing seems to change. Their home was still as beautiful ,
the lake was still as clear as crystal , the air was always so fresh and things were as peaceful as
ever. Children were running all around , like what they always when they were still young , running
all about.


As a hint, make the chapter title stick out with a larger or bold font. You want people to know that's the title of the chapter, and not assume it's part of the story -like I did at first. And with the commas, it makes it looked...choppy when it's, "crystal , the air". With punctuation, the rule it no space beforehand and one space after. There are exceptions to the rule, but it works for commas and anything used to end a sentence.



QUOTE
A familiar voice was heard. Ed looked up , and it was Winry staring at them . She always greeted
Ed with her wrench hitting his head but this time it missed. Ed was delighted that he can skip
getting hit from Winry's wrench. He felt weird too. Winry never missed him on his head , its the
first time she missed. Al was a bit puzzled too , Winry can aim very well due to practising on Ed
everytime when he makes her angry.
Ed intended to tease Winry about missing her wrench at him but it seems that Winry could
foresee that Ed has damaged his auto-mail. Ed and Al went into her house and went into their room
to out their suitcase down. Ed started looking around once he entered the living room , thinking
that Winry will throw her wrench at him when he entered but she was nowhere to be seen.
Normally she will start scolding and shouting at Ed once he return. But this time it was different ,
she went straight to her workshop as soon as she missed the wrench at him.


Wrench was said five times in that one paragraph, off the top of my head I can think of two other words that would of made the paragraph less repetitive. 1) Tool and 2) Weapon. It's a weapon in Winry's hands isn't it? The wrench it a tool, or a device. Use different words, the light up the story more.

The tense is off, not just here but in most of the chapter, it's just confusing.

QUOTE

Thoughts began to fill Ed's mind. But his train of thoughts were broken when Al called Ed. Al said
that Winry wants him to tell Ed to go to her workshop after he has settled down. Ed answered Al
with weird look on his face. He went directly down to her workshop , ready to get his auto-mail
fixed . Ed soon sat down and looked at Winry , trying to figure out why is she so weird ealier on.
But its seems that she's alright. Winry sat down next to Ed , took out her tools and began fixing
his auto-mail without asking anything. Ed broke the silence and asked if Winry was fine. She
replied that she was fine. Ed was worried and he looked at Winry , she looked very tired.

" Umm...Winry , you sure you are okay? You look tired."

"I am okay and don't talk to me when I am fixing your auto-mail if not I will not be able to
concentrate that much."


May I ask if English is your first language? Your writing has the mistakes of someone who doesn't compleatly know the language they're writing in.

By now Ed and Winry are...pretty out of charater. I can see this happening, but I can't see this happening. I think it may partially be lack of detail... if you bring in what things look like, smell like, feel like, taste like, and sound like, it can make the story come to life.

*sighs* Al is forgotten again too. Did the magic "randomly appear and dissapear faerie" (a.k.a the RAAD faerie) poof him away to the land of kittens and milk saucers? I understand Ed is getting his auto-mail fixed, but Al just doesn't dissapear then come back. He did show up a little bit in the last part, and I'll give you credit for that, but more reference to the armoured brother would be nice.



QUOTE
Al then walked out of the room and Ed was still sitting down on the chair not willing to move yet.
He felt lazy and still a little sleepy , even after that short nap. It wasn't enough for him , what
more , it wasn't comfortable. He was still curious. Was Winry sick or what? Or is she angry. He
finally stood up and walked up into Winry's room . He knocked on the door and went in . Winry was
sleeping peacefully on her bed . He didn't want to disturb her but he had the urged to place his
flesh hand on her forehead to check if she's really alright. He then followed what he felt like
doing . He placed his hand on her forehead gently . Winry opened her eyes slowly , she felt ed's
hand placed on her forehead. She moved his hand away and sat up.


By now everyones out of character, and I still have yet to hear of Pinako. You know, the woman who owns the house and the auto-mail shop? Yeah, I think she'd be there to welcome the boys home by the end of the chapter.

I also don't think the chapter should end here. The last sentence is, well a sad excuse for what it's supposed to stand for. Winry gets up- and we're cut off. It just doesn't seem right.
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That's all of it. My advice: find someone to beta your work, it could be alot better then it is now.
FMAlover^
QUOTE

May I ask if English is your first language? Your writing has the mistakes of someone who doesn't compleatly know the language they're writing in.

It is. Maybe my English isn't very good yet.

Thanks for all the advice. I will find some more time to edit my work. And to find someone to beta my work will be quite hard since I have no older siblings in the family and I think none of my friends are interested in reading fics. Anyway, thanks for everything. smile.gif
theothersin
QUOTE(FMAlover^ @ Dec 10 2005, 02:04 AM) [snapback]327309[/snapback]

QUOTE

May I ask if English is your first language? Your writing has the mistakes of someone who doesn't compleatly know the language they're writing in.

It is. Maybe my English isn't very good yet.

Thanks for all the advice. I will find some more time to edit my work. And to find someone to beta my work will be quite hard since I have no older siblings in the family and I think none of my friends are interested in reading fics. Anyway, thanks for everything. smile.gif



If you can't find someone to beta for you, I would be willing to help. Otherwise, I'll be waiting to read more from you.
FMAlover^
Ah...! Thanks so much! I have printed out that chapter and will edit during my free time instead on my computer. That's because I can be my computer for 2hours only.
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