Nov 30 2005, 07:20 PM
(I just thought of this Fanfic. And decided to write it! Note: I do NOT own FMA. And this is my first fanfic and kind of havebad Grammer. And lets just pretend Pride is the Leader of the Homunculus.
Title: Revenge Of The Homunculus
Rating PG-13 For Violence and Language
Plot: The Homunculus Pride has ordered Envy, Gluttony, and Lust to fake a kidnapping. Since Pride IS the Fuhrer and no one knows his a dangerous Homunculus, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric and Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustange has been sent to rescue the Fuhrer.
An explosion occured on a wall as flames bursted thus creating a big hole. There came out the two famous Alchemists, Edward Elric the Fullmetal Alchemist and Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist. Getting here was tough, the two state alchemist had fought many guards, most of them were criminals that were soul transmuted into an armor like Al, Slicer Brothers, and Barry The Chopper.
As the smoke cleared off, the two could see the Fuhrer, tied up into a chair. He seem badly wounded and beaten up. "Well, we found the Fuhrer, lets just get him out of here and were done"Ed exclaimed, smirking. Roy nodded and the two walked approach toward King Bradley. Before they ask what happened, Fuhrer said something. It was "Lust...." Both of them turned behind them in an instant. It was exactly what Fuhrer said. Lust was there. "Lust? Who IS she?"Roy said in confusion, not knowing about this aggresive woman. "Shes a...a Homunculus"Edward answered Roy's question.
"Homunculus? You mean?"Ed nodded. "But thats impossible"Roy exclaimed. He knew what a Homunculus was. "Does this seem so?"Lust said as she pointed a finger at them. The finger extended into a lance in a lightning speed. The two alchemist dodged them...barely. Before Lust can make another move, she began to groan. She held her stomach and fell into the ground.
<i>Was she dead?</i> Edward wondered. Homunculus just don't die like this..But Mustang quickly ordered Edward to free the Fuhrer. He obeyed and the two carried the Fuhrer toward the headquarter. Envy and Gluttony showed up and walked toward the Lust. "Did they fell for it?"Envy asked, smirking as usual. "Of course. Now we must leave it to the....Fuhrer do the rest"Lust said getting up and grinning evily.
(Please, if I had bad grammer and etc. Please forgive me!)
Nov 30 2005, 08:11 PM
umm,its not the best but seeing that its youre first fanfic.....i give it 7/10
Nov 30 2005, 08:15 PM
-twitches- I will give my constructive critisim first. -twich- VERY short, for the first chapter or so I forgive that, but ONLY for the first chapter or so, otherwise save the small pices and put them together. I can't figure out where this is placed, like after lab five? The plot doesn't seemed to devoloped yet, and your grammer could use some work,
Overall: I've seen waayy worse from people who claim to have been writing fanfiction forever. It's actually pretty good for beginning work.
My Advice: Use spellcheck, and work hard to make your chapters longer. Someone to Beta your work would help alot.
Don't take my (or other people's) constructive critisim harshly. Every good writer has gotten books worth of constructive critisim. It's all meant to help you get better at writing, and if your smart, you'll use that help.
Dec 1 2005, 03:53 PM
Make a paragraph when people talllk!!!!!!!!!
You could have like, the best fanfic in the world and I'd still hate it if there isn't a paragraph when somebody talks. You read books right? Are they in your format? Or are they like this...
"As the smoke cleared off, the two could see the Fuhrer, tied up into a chair. He seem badly wounded and beaten up.
"Well, we found the Fuhrer, lets just get him out of here and were done" Ed exclaimed, smirking.
Roy nodded and the two walked approach toward King Bradley. Before they ask what happened, Fuhrer said something. It was
Both of them turned behind them in an instant. It was exactly what Fuhrer said. Lust was there."
See? Makes it look much longer then it is too. You don't have a mary-sue, which is a good thing. But... it still needs much work. The plot really has nothing special to make it unique, it's just sorta up in your face. The chapter's very short. It seems like more of a reminder of canon events then anything. Your grammar and description needs alot of work too...
Please don't accuse me of being mean to you because I've truly had enough of that. I'm a tough reveiwer, yes... I know that, but listen to me and I can help ^^.
Dec 5 2005, 05:28 PM
((Well thank you for the critism, but DO know, this is a very short story))
"Paperwork...."Edo said as if he was bored. Actually, he really was. Here he is, the great Full Metal Alchemist doing paperwork. Of course, if he didn't do his paperwork, he would recieve a yelling from Riza Hawkeye. "Well, im officially bored out of my mind, time to take a nap!"Ed said as he put his feet on the table and his hands behind his head. There he daydreamed.
"PEOPLE! I present you! Edward Elric, the Fuhrer!"King Bradley yelled out in Edward's dream cloud. Edward was sitting in a throne with a crown and a scepter. Riza Hawkeye, Roy, Al, and others were bowing down to Edward while he laughed. Then he heard a knock.
"AH! Wait hold on!"Edward yelled out, organizing his papers very quickly. "Come in!"Edward invited the visitor. It was Roy.
"Ah, its you, what do you want?"Ed asked sighing, he thought surely it was Riza who was going to yell at him. "Well, the Fuhrer wants you Ed"Roy responded as Edo got his jacket and got out of his office. "What for?"Ed asked another question. "Umm, he did not say".
Edward arrived in Fuhrer's office, seeing Fuhrer looking out the window. "Fuhrer, you wanted me?"."Ah yes Edward, I was wondering"Fuhrer said, turning and seeing Ed. Of course, he had a smile, he always had. "I was wondering, if you were wondering what happened to Lust". Edward's eye widened then narrowed into normal. "Well yes"Edward replied. Indeed, he wondered what happened. He never seen this happened, why would Lust die just like that?
"As you know Ed, Lust is a homunculus". Edward nodded. "Every homunculus and a soul transfered man....dies in certain times, Take Lust for an example, she just died. And a soul transfered person, like Barry The Chopper. We found him in pieces, his blood seal broken"
"What?!"Ed shouted, terrified. "Fuhrer, by any chance does this goes to my..."Before Edward can finish Fuhrer once spoke again. "Unfortanetly yes. Your brother, Alsphone....will die soon"Fuhrer answered his smile fading. Ed got on his knees. He promised Al that they will get their body's together. HE PROMISED. Now knowing Al will die, he lost...hope.
"Edward Elric, do NOT lose your hope! There is hope yet. Do you the human transmutation?"Fuhrer questioned. Ed's eye once again widened. "The transmutation, can be used in many ways....some considers..unnatural. It can be used to save life". Ed stood up. Maybe there was hope for Al!
"Is it possible to learn such power?"Ed asked.
"Yes Edward. However, it is power only one can achieve. But together, we will figure it out. But first, something is in our way"
"State Alchemists. Edward, you must know about the masscare of the Ishbal, we ARE having a war here. Isbals are killing the State Alchemist, the State Alchemist are killing Ishbals. I plan to kill them all"
"Edward, they are in your way to save Al!"
Edward, had enough of this. Now he figured out that Fuhrer's plan, he attempted to stop him as he clapped his both hands, Thus creating a blade from his automail arm. He attempted a slash, it cut off Bradley's eye patch and a back slash, slitting his throat. Waterfall of blood came out of Fuhrer.
He fell to the ground. Just before Edward thought he was dead, Fuhrer stood up.
"Y-y-your a homunculi!"Ed said as he stumbled and landed on his back. "I have to report you!"Edward said in fear as he got up and ran. "Of course"Fuhrer said. He's plan was going well.
Dec 5 2005, 07:36 PM
People seemed really OOC, and it felt really rushed. I couldn't really picture the story with lack of detail. Your format also needs some work. All of this made it seem like a rough idea put on paper with out considering the detais, especailly with some of the grammer errors. That's all I have to say.
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