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Yoru Inu
Okay people, this is my first FMA fic, and I have the OC curse, so, expect one to play a big part in this story. But, before you say "Gah, bad story" and leave, give this story a chance, would ya?

I'm here cause I want some constructive (sp?) critisism because I haven't gotten ANY (What's up with fanfiction sites and their short reviews??) so, please help me algong with this.

Also expect some grammar and/or spelling mistakes, english is not my first language, so if anything sounds weird, please tell me okay?

Thanks!

Now, on with the story!!


__________________________________________________________________________

When The Stars Fall



Prologue; For The Dreams Lost


20 years ago...

The Mustang mansion was located at several days of travel from Central, and that had always fit the Mustangs just fine. To all except a young black haired boy.

Each afternoon, he would walk into the living room, sit on one of the expensive sofas and stare out the tall window until it was time for dinner. Hoping a certain figure would appear in the distant road leading to his home.

However, the days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months until his wishes were granted.

And that day, they had been...

His bright black eyes lit with excitement when a figure clad in a blue uniform appeared on the road, unbound black hair floating in the breeze. Even from where he was, he could see the aquamarine twinkle of her eyes.

He fled the room with a grin in his young face, running to the main door and pulling it open with such strength is crashed against the wall with a laud *bang*, alerting the rest of the inhabitants of the elder sibling's return.

"Renna!!" Roy cried as he launched himself at the older girl's open arms. "You finally got back!"

"You've grown," Renna said softly, running a hand through Roy's hair, a gentle smile in her lips.

"Yes," Roy stated proudly, looking into his sister's aquamarine eyes with ebony black ones.

"Renna,” Their father's voice said from behind, making both siblings turn to the older man.

He had short black hair with gray here and there, stern aquamarine eyes and a straight broad shouldered body; he wore a military uniform and several shiny medals.

Next to him was a delicate and petite woman, her hair was long and a dark chestnut, her eyes were gentle and as black as Roy's.

Renna lifted her hand in a salute, making her father smile proudly.

"You see that, Roy?" The man said, referring to the younger boy. "That's what you have to do when addressing your father."

"I believe, father, that Roy should address his father as he wishes, he's a kid, not a military officer," Renna said coolly.

And that was what Roy hated, the cold relationship between his father and his sister. They had clashing ideals and forms of thinking, while Renna seeked to help others, specially him, his father was the selfish kind, doing everything for his own gain.

But he was okay with everything, because Renna was with him, and her smile, her gentle hand as she guided him through a life of lies and betrayals, was enough for him.
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It was a sunny day, the voices and laughter of the two Mustang siblings echoed through out the huge garden as the older tried to teach alchemy to the younger.

Renna's laughter cut through the air as Roy once again, only succeeded in creating a small spark of fire instead of the intended flame, much to the boy's displeasure.

"Mou! Nee-chan! Don't laugh at me!" The young boy cried, looking at Renna with a pout.

"I'm sorry," Renna said, still laughing, Roy got fed up and decided to chase her around the garden.

After a few minutes, Roy got tired and plopped down on the soft grass, Renna sat down next to him, running a gloved hand through his black hair softly.

"Nee-chan?" Roy asked softly, opening his black eyes to stare at his older sister.

"Hm?"

Roy's eyes moved from Renna's turquoise eyes to the blue sky. "When I grow older and am able to enter the military, can we work together?" He asked.

"Eh?" Renna's eyes widened. "Why?"

"I want to work with you; I want to be your partner, your right hand. I want to help you," Roy said seriously, looking into Renna's eyes. "I want to make it to the top with you."

Renna smiled and nodded. "Okay."

"You promise you'll wait for me?"

"I promise. As long as it takes."

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Six months later...

It was late at night when Roy awoke, thirsty.

He went downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water, Renna had left 5 months ago, she had stayed longer than usual, but still, his farewell had been a teary one. He hated it when she returned to Central. Sometimes he feared she would never return.

Ignoring his childish fears of the dark, he continued his trip downstairs to the kitchen, but a dim light from the living room caught his attention. He peered through the small opening, looking inside. The first thing he saw was a man he didn't know, dressed as his sister.

Thinking she was back, the swung the door open. "NE-CHAN!!"

The man's head snapped towards him, eyes wide and sad.

"Roy!" His father admonished harshly. It was just then that he turned to his parents and saw that his mother was silently crying. Transparent tears ran down her cheeks to fall into the dark blue uniform clutched in her hands harshly.

"It's okay," The man spoke quietly, his eyes sad and tired.

"What's wrong Oka-san? Why are you crying?" Roy asked, a sick feeling growing in his stomach. He knew, even if he ignored it, that something bad had happened to Renna.

"Oh Roy...," His mothers aid softly, dropping the fabric and walking to him to embrace him in her arms. "My baby... My poor baby..." His mother let him go when the man approached them and knelt in front of him.

"You must be Roy," He said softly. "Renna's younger brother. You look so much like her... I'm Tim Marcoh, a... Coworker of your sister."

"Where's nee-chan?" Roy asked, looking from one to another.

"Renna is not coming back son," His father said, his eyes hard but sorrowful. "Renna is dead."

Everything in Roy's world crashed down then. His dreams, his hopes, and he was just left staring at the empty spot in the table, to his father's right, next to his own seat.

Renna was not coming back...

... Ever again...

Still shocked, he walked to the table, where her white and red gloves were. Carefully, he grabbed them and the clutched them to his chest with strength born of desperation and painful despair. "No... Not Renna... Please not her..."

"I'm sorry kid..."The stranger said. He could not understand the pain he was in. Roy thought hatefully. No one could. No one cared. Only Renna had.

And now she was gone.

Gone.

The word resonated through his young mind, bringing tears into his onyx black eyes. His sister, his darling sister was gone. They wouldn't work together when he got older; she wouldn't be there ever again to teach him alchemy. She wouldn't be there to run her hands through his hair; she wouldn’t smile at him again. She wouldn’t be there to hold him and chase his fears away.

She wouldn't be there for him... Ever again...

Without thinking, Roy let out a strangled cry and dashed back to his room, tears streaming down his child-like face. Back into his room, he slammed the door shut and threw himself into his bed, sobbing into his pillow uncontrollably.

Renna was gone. She would not be coming back ever again. He would not see her walking down the distant road to their home.

Again...
EdElricsGal93
Well, even though I've been pre-warned, just because I'm not too fond of OCs in a fanfic with a role too huge, that's my complaint #1.

QUOTE
Each afternoon, he would walk into the living room, sit on one of the expensive sofas and stare out the tall window until it was time for dinner. Hoping a certain figure would appear in the distant road leading to his home.


The second sentence is a fragment. Fragments can work to give a dramatic effect every now and then, but because you just used it in the previous paragraph, it's a bit awkward (Awkward. Is that how you spell it? Looks a little funny, awkward.) and may take away the dramatic effect if used too much.

Content is not bad, and your English is better than that of some people who are, presumably, native-speakers. *glares and points at a bunch of posters* There are probably minor grammatical mistakes here and there, but ones I can't spot and don't really interrupt with the flow of the story. No any major spelling errors, either. Two thumbs up for this area.

Finally, I would recommend that you refrain from using fangirl Japanese. I know it's very tempting to insert random Japanese words/phrases you've learned from watching anime too much, but some readers (1) may not know any Japanese at all and will feel unsettled when they encounter a Japanese word (2) just hate it for various valid yet subjective reasons.

That's all from me.
JudasPriest1
THAT'S SAD!!! sad.gif But I like it!
Halford
Same here sad but nice.
harmony_kh_kairi
I like it, its really sad but kinda beautiful at the same time.
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