Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Going Into The Family Bussiness.
Fullmetal Alchemist Discussion Board > Fullmetal Alchemist Discussions > Fanworks > Fanfics
Edwards-secret-admiara
Ok I'm going to get this right weither it kills me or not (perferably not)! Right its about Elishia and whiether or not she'll become an state alchemist. Here goes nothing!
P.S The only character dead is hughes! Thoughts are done in ittalics.

"Elishia get up!" shouted Riza trying to move the sleeping teenager off of her sofa. The night before had been great but Riza had work and she needed to see if she was still alive. "ELISHIA!!!" she shouted in the teenagers face. A hand shoot up and grabed the gun slinger by the coller and pulled her down towards her face. Riza tried to steady her self but ended up on her knees.
"I've got a hang over and I have to go home to face my mother now if you dont mind SHUT THE HELL UP!" She replied hissing the first part shouting the last. It had been her 18th birthday and they had all gone out. She ment al,l Riza's Living room floor was scatterd with bodies all passed out. Riza walked over towards the door opened it and fired a gun shot into the echoing hall way waking them all up.
"UP NOW AND OUT!" she shouted pointing to the door way. Elishia got up and slung her pack over her sholder and muttered somthing as she walked past Riza. She could hear people speaking and shuffiling as they got up to leave. Wow someones a morning person she thought as she walked down the stairs her head was pounding and she had to go home and deal with her mum. Oh mums going to be pleased I didn't come home last night! Ah well! She walked through the door and dumped her pack on the sofa. She walked onto the kitchen were her mother was sitting waiting for her at the table.
"Hey mum!" she said walking over to the fridge and grabbing a bottel of soda out of it. She was dilibretyly (sp?) trying to be cheery. Her mum clenched her fist and turned to her.
"Put it back! Untill you get a job! You no longer live here and I no longer look after you!" she screamed. It was true Elishia had been badly behaved this last year and really her mum didn't need it she was already on two jobs just to keep her in college. She pointed to the front door after coming through the back door she hadn't noticed the pile of boxes there.
"Mum you can't kick me out I've got know were to stay!" She protested but it was falling on deaf ears. Her mother was now turning red.
"After all you've done! The drugs, almost being kicked out of college 7 times, the late nights oh and the fact that you never pay your keep!" she screamed at her, close to tears.
"Im clean and I have been for ages! Maybe if you've been such a good mother why dont you tell me why I went on them in the first place hmm why mum? WHY? I've told you over and over that the college incedents are not my fault I hate it there your the making me go I hate it mum! I'm a teenager mum where supposed to have late nights and oh I don't pay my keep because you never inforced it on me to do so! So basically your a shit mother mum and you know what I don't care mum! I just don't care!" she shouted back so angry that she was shaking. She ran from the house slamming the door after herself. I hate the bitch! I hate her! screamed her insides.
She ran down the road not caring or knowing were she was going. She found her self at the graveyard she walked over to her fathers grave and knelt beside it.
"You belive me don't you dad? Because I sure as hell don't!" whispered tears running down her face she kissed her fingers and put them over his first name. "I miss you daddy" she said softly as she got up to leave. She felt a hand go over mouth.
"Don't scream" whispered a harsh voice in her ear. What the hell else am I supposed to do? she thought.
Guest
Lalala~

***


Elishia thought fast, and after a moment of hecitation (sp?) decided to bite that stranger's hand. "Yeoch!" that stranger's screamt. Elishia turned to look who it was. It was a guy, wearing a state alcemist blue suit. He was bearded wearing a pair of glasses. Elishia felt she'd seen this face before, but where?
"I'm sorry," she suddenly felt oblighted to say. "Daijobu deska?"
But that guy only laughed heartily. Elishia liked the sound of his laugh.

***


Hahah, it's going somewhere. tongue.gif

Sorry, maybe I'm just nitpicking, but is this "Elishia" the same three-year-old daughter Hughes left? If so, is this the same Grace he also left, the one who was born with a perpetual smile on her face? Why, more than a decade later, she really sounds like a bitch. Hughes probably has it good for dying before she shows her true self. Yeah, people do change overtime, but I'd imagine Grace and Elishia are generally "nice" people and would have a MUCH closer mother-daughter bond and a more understanding/loving relationship. It seems like you're incorporating situation in the Real World--of which you've seen a lot on TV but don't really know about--in this fictional FMA world. Damn... college, alcohol, hangover, sex (slash rape?)... doesn't really sound like the relatively stress-free FMA world I know of. Also, what the hell is Riza randomly doing in the beginning of the story?

Two things that really bother me personally:
1) The way you put (sp?) after a misspelled world because when you put (sp?), that indicates that you know it's spelled wrong, but you're too lazy to look up the actual word in the dictionary and hope for readers to understand and give you credit for at least knowing it's spelled wrong. Okay, this just bugs me.
2) The way you use words such as "bitch" and "shit" when (I think) they can be avoided. It's especially disturbing coming from a... how old are you again, thirteen? Granted, Elishia is an angsty teenager who thinks the whole world is against her and cussing makes her more cool and adult-like. Oh well.
Phyco girl
^ In addition to the comments of Guest-san (except I would put them into nicer phrasing of more constructive critisism mind you ^^") I really don't like how you put the word "mum" in there. No offense but it sort of bugs me. You know, like that fly that you just can't get out of the house. Plus it sounds repetitive after awhile mellow.gif.

Other than that all I would say is to keep working on your fic and maybe try to look over your stories before posting them to make sure they really are good. It seems like here you put things up in a bit of the hurry.

Practice makes perfect happy.gif If you ever need help feel free to contact me. biggrin.gif I'd be happy to help in any way that I could ^^.

~Ja
Guest
QUOTE(Phyco girl @ Oct 19 2005, 06:06 PM) [snapback]301916[/snapback]

^ In addition to the comments of Guest-san (except I would put them into nicer phrasing of more constructive critisism mind you ^^") I really don't like how you put the word "mum" in there.


Hey now, honesty is the best policy. Don't beat around the bush. ohmy.gif

Yeah, I agree that you seem too eager to post your stories. I think what you could do is first copy your story into a word processor (e.g., Microsoft Word). Put them properly into paragraphs (i.e., skip a line every time you begin a new one because this format is hurting me eyes). Run a spell/grammar-checker, which probably won't fix everything, but better something than nothing.

There, for the first time in my life I'm actually giving a constructive criticism instead of pointing fingers and laugh. rolleyes.gif

Just out of curiosity, is that really how you spell the name Elishia? For some reason it looks wrong. Well, I could be wrong, but it rarely happens. unsure.gif
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.