Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: The Girl With Mousy Hair.
Fullmetal Alchemist Discussion Board > Fullmetal Alchemist Discussions > Fanworks > Fanfics
Edwards-secret-admiara
Ok here goes with i hope a better one please I dont mind critisism so please do give it! Thanks!

The girl with the mousy hair. Part 1.

The girl sat alone in the cinema after her friend not turning up. It was a war film and it had gotten to the party at the end when all the husbands and fathers come back for V-Day and every body is happy again. It was rather amusing she had a father that was always away she had the boyfriend who was always away. It wasn't like that the first thing that any sane person does is hug them and kiss them not throw a damn party. But ah well she thought they were away at the moment but it didn't matter what did she care ,nothing, thats how much she cared. Her farther was a state alchemist so she was used to it. But then again so was her mother but she never went away, touch wood. Her name was Eliza Mustang the daughter to Riza and Roy Mustang. She to was a state alchemist but she was on leave at the moment she was supposed to be enjoying it but ha beggers can't be choosers she thought as she got up to leave a blond boy walked in looking for some one. He walked past her and she rolled her eyes.
"Always as visual as ever then Maes?" she asked tapping the boy on the sholder he turned on his heel and hugged her as he span her around. Finally stoping after he started to feel dizy.
"Im so sorry." he muttered out of breath he smiled looking more like his dad every day. His name was Maes Elric the son of Winry and Edward Elric. Eliza smiled back and threw her arms around his neck burying her face into the crevice of his neck.
"It's okay." she finally said. She smiled at him flicking a bit of her mousy brown hair out of her eyes.
"Your dad kept me a bit long" He replied taking her arm and pulling her out of the cinema smiling.
"Come on I said we'd meet Elyshia at the cafe. Oh and your little sister has been looking for you at base somtimes I think she thinks im physcic." she said walking beside him their arms entwined. They stoped out side of and old looking cafe she walked in to it before him and looked around for her best friend. Elyshia lived with her mum as her father had what the military would of called 'killed in action' she was a couple of years older than Eliza but that didn't matter they got on like sisters. She was sitting in the corner still in her uniform probably just gotten off of work she was 24, Eliza how ever was turning 20 in a week and Maes was 22. She waved at Elyshia and went over to hug her. They sat and chatted for a while when all of three sets of parents walked in laughing it reminded of her of when they all met all three kids.

*Flash Back 15 years*

"Mummy I don't want to go theres going to be no children there!" whined Eliza tugging at her mothers blue and white jacket. Her mother ,Riza, Bent down and picked her up. She gave her their special kiss ,eskimo.
"Come on Eliza there will be kids there I promise." she replied puttinge her free hand on her hand. She walked out of the room and she knew very well that there would be kids there but Eliza wasn't a very social girl. She put elza down in the hall way and watched her run to her daddy who had just appeared from the bathroom clean shaven and in a clean uniform. She had her little arms wrapped tightly around his leg not letting him move. He looked down at her.
"Whats up princess?" he asked smiling and crouching down to her level.
"Nothing I just wanted to do this!" she squeeled and stood on her tip toes and shouted "Hey look your short like uncy Ed" she pecked him on the cheeck and ran into her room. She liked to make people laugh and she could hear her mummy and daddy laughing. Twenty minutes she found her self looking at the spiting image of 'Uncy Ed' she smiled.
"Hello whats your name?" she asked holding out her hand but the boy just peered around from his mothers legs. She scowled and stuck out her tounge and said "Fine be mean!" and ran off it was whilest she was running that she bumped into Elyshia. She feel over backwards and just as daddy was coming to the rescue Elyshia pulled her up and looked her in the face.
"Your not going to cry about falling over are you? I mean you only feel. Whats your name? Mines Elyshia." she said holding out a hand. Eliza took the hand and shook it. The girls had been friends since. It was harder work with Maes somtimes she wanted to murder him but some times she loved him. They had been going solidly now for 5 years yes since she was 15.

*Back to reality (sp?)*

"Hey Daddy." she said in a chirpy voice he scowled and his eyes flickering between his princess and Maes. "Whats up dad?" she asked uneasily. she could sense somthing bad.
"I guess that he hasn't told you then?" He said indacating to Maes. Eliza shoock her head with a frown. "He's been given a mission which he volinitarily (sp?) sighned up for." he said the last part full of anger knowing how much Maes had hurt hus little girl in the past and now it was going to happen again.
"What?" Asked Eliza trying not to cry. She ran from the Cafe and just carriedon running she could hear yelling behind her but she didn't care the tears were now flowing freely. How could he! He promised! screamed her insides she found her self in the park she sat on a bench and cried.
ed's numbuh 1 fan
that was nice i enjoyed reading it although it got confusing a little bit but it might be because i read it too fast biggrin.gif;;
just a few silly mistakes in grammar but overall it was nice at first i thouhgt the story was about sheska biggrin.gif;;
Edwards-secret-admiara
Thanks I know about the mistakes i didn't check it before posting it but ah well im only human! Thanks for reading it though part 2 will probably be on tommorow! biggrin.gif
Radical Alchemist
You DO know maes is DEAD right?
Guest
Forgive me for criticizing before even reading your story, but the first sentence turned me off right away. See, in my very humble opinion, when you write a fanfic, you don't generally have a character that has never appeared in the series take over from the very beginning. This "original character" (OC), as you have been told in the other thread, has a potential of becoming a Mary Sue, which is basically the fictional version of you. Also, didn't you name your other character Elyza? And this one is named Eliza? Not much imagination, eh? (Is your name, by any chance, Eliza or a variation of the sort?)

You also need to work on your grammar and spelling errors and learn how to break your paragraphs. At the moment, it doesn't look very inviting; only a diehard fanfic fan or a diehard fanfic criticizer will bother to read that jumble of words. You are only human, but if you don't fix what you know is wrong, then it would make you, well, stupid. Content-wise, your stories also seem to be focusing on a certain character (which, in both cases, is quite the original one) instead of a plot. Plotless stories can sometimes work, but I will not encourage you.

Why, if you actually bother to read my whole comment, you do deserve a credit. So keep writing. On rainy days when people are bored and easily amused, I'm sure they'll find your stories entertaining.

Good luck.
Edwards-secret-admiara
Thanks for the opinions and yes i do know that maes is dead properly then you would of noticed his last name is Elric inplying that its Ed's son and hes just been named after him. Thanks for reading it and Sorry again for the mistakes I sent it to myself of the school computor and forgot to run a spelling and grammer check. Thanks again for reading it!
Oh and yes my name is Elizabeth, Eliza for short. smile.gif
Radical Alchemist
Never name fancharacters after your self. It's like invisioning yourself in the show, which is quite creepy. and I agree with guest whole-heartedly. These fanfics are becoming mary-sues within the first CHAPTER. Not a good start to your fanficcing career.
Automne
Well, I wanted to comment but I think Radical and Guest said it all! ohmy.gif
Phyco girl
QUOTE(SinLuxuria @ Oct 12 2005, 06:19 AM) [snapback]299007[/snapback]

Well, I wanted to comment but I think Radical and Guest said it all! ohmy.gif


I would say more but... *points up to Lux's post* However it is still one of your early fics, ne? I think you should do one about a canon character and become a pro at that before even attempting something of this matter.

Just work on it and you'll get better happy.gif Good luck!
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.