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Edwards-secret-admiara
Okay I've added a new character and that is Riza's little sister shes called Elyza. Shes the main character. So here we go please remember ((sp?)) that this is my first one.

part 1

Elyza walked down the corridoor in her sisters shadow. She was looking down at the checkered tiles.
"Riza I'm not sure about this." she mumbled hardly unaudioable. Riza spun on her heel to face her little sister. She looked her straight in the eyes and said,
"Elyza your a blooby good alchemist and don't let any one tell you other wise!" pulling her into an embrace she relised and handed her, her gloves wich she put on. Elyza didn't enjoy wearing trousers so usually wore skirts but the only blue one she had was a mini skirt. Her sister had knocked on a door with frosted glass with the words M.Hughes on. She stood there hoping from one foot to the other. A Blond boy walked past her and winked. She cocked her eye brow. A few minutes later a hole group of men came out of what she guessed was the cantien. She heard one of them mutter somthing along the lines of 'anyone want to tell the new girl that mini skirts aren't maditory' She rolled her eyes. Some one coughed behinde her and she saw her sister standing behind her with a man wearing glasses.
Automne
It's not great to end a chapter like this and I don't think it is enough descriptive. I also think Riza was a bit out of character and that your OC is a future Mary sue (I may be too objective but really, when I read the word 'Miniskirt', I instantly thought 'Roy Mustang'. ohmy.gif ) Also you should check on the grammar typos and make longer and separate paragraphes.
Phyco girl
QUOTE(SinLuxuria @ Oct 8 2005, 04:09 PM) [snapback]297475[/snapback]

It's not great to end a chapter like this and I don't think it is enough descriptive. I also think Riza was a bit out of character and that your OC is a future Mary sue (I may be too objective but really, when I read the word 'Miniskirt', I instantly thought 'Roy Mustang'. ohmy.gif ) Also you should check on the grammar typos and make longer and separate paragraphes.


I agree with Lux here. You really need to be more descriptive and I see a mary-sue coming into the future rapidly ohmy.gif , you may want to shut the door before the spirit of Mary-sue somehow wanders into your character. Work on it a little. Maybe a longer chapter and more detail. You usually will not want to do a fic about and OC because it can become very mary-sue-ish. Also like said above in Lux's post separating paragraphs would make it a lot easier to read ^^
Edwards-secret-admiara
Thanks for the opinions its good to have critisism ((sp?)) thanks I'll work on it. smile.gif
Radical Alchemist
Yes..please, the last thing we need are more sue's. Making a fanfic entirely deticated to a character spawned from your own mind is NOT a good idea...
Winry The Alchemist
i like it please make the next chapter longer
Edwards-secret-admiara
Okay im adandoning that one and im doing a new one called the girl with the mousy hair its about Meas (ed and winrys kid) and Eliza (Roy's and winry's kid) and Elyshia and basically (Sp?) its about them three and how they've grown up together my friend has read it through and said its much better but thanks for reading this one!
Radical Alchemist
I have lost all faith in humanity.
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