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the_lightning_alchemist10
My friend said I'm writinga fanfic about school. So I thought FMA. Okay everone knows I don't own FMA so ya. I'll post in small chapters so I'll be able to post faster ok? ok, too bad. My first fic so please cut me some slack.

Chapter one-The Bus
Oh, crap, crap, crap!!!!! I’m gonna be late for the bus!!!!! Ed was of course late (again) for school. The only reason why today Al wouldn’t wake him up was because Al had a cold. So Ed was stumbling over his own two feet to get dressed.
“GGGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! I don’t have time for this!!!!!! I need to meet Winry!!!!” Ed shouted accidentally waking Al up.
“Brother,” he started rubbing his eyes, “can’t you go to the bathroom by yourself? It’s just down the hall…”
“Quiet go to sleep!!!!! I gotta go right now, so feel better!!” Edward said leaning toward Al’s bed from across the room. But, Al was fast asleep and couldn’t hear him. So, Ed finally finished getting dressed in his clothes, black shirt and pants, white gloves, and his red robe. Ed grabbed his books, and ran to catch up with the bus.
“Huff, huff, huff, huff. I made it!!!” he said just barely making it to the bus.
“Ed!!! Over here!!!!” Winry called. His classmate saved him his usual seat just next to her.
“WINRY!!!!! Can you help me out?” Edward said running toward row 8.
“Okay, what?” she asked.
“I forgot to bring my science textbook home, so I need to borrow yours,” he said putting his hand on her bare shoulder. She was of course wearing her usual tube-top.
“WHAT!!!!!! Mrs. Izumi will KILL you!!!!!”
“I know…espeicllialy since I’m head of the Alchemy club.”
“I’m sorry Ed I don’t have it. I finished my science homework in study hall.”
“Oh, CRAP!!!!!!!!” he said, “I’m screwed aren’t I?”
“Basically, I’m sooooo sorry Ed. You should have told me,” Winry said.

Chapter two-CRAP!!!!
“Okay, class settle down we had our fun,” Mrs. Izumi said to her third period class. Of course they kept talking. “SETTLE DOWN DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!” she shouted slapping her hands hard onto the desk. The sound was loud enough that it was heard all the way on the other side of their middle/high school. “Ok, now who has their homework?”
“Yo, Winry,” our sophomore said tapping his neighbor Winry’s desk.
“Ya?”
“On a scale of one to ten, “he whispered,” how angry will Mrs. Izumi be?”
“I think you’re going to find out soon enough,” she said pointing at the front of his desk. He slowly turned his head…..
“EDWARD WHERE IS YOUR HOMEWORK??!!!” she yelled. He mumbled. “WHAT WAS THAT?”
“I didn’t have my textbook,” he said ready for….SMACK!!!! WHACK!!!!! SMACK!!!!!! She hit him hard. But, she did have a right to not as a teacher, but as his and his brother’s alchemy-sensei.
“ED!!!!!!!!! Now you have to give me a 15-page report on the make-up of a human being, and a 20-page essay on the meaning of ‘all is one, and one is all’.”
“But, Mrs. Izumi tomorrow is Saturday!!!”
“You heard me Edward, by the way give Alphonse the make-up work. Even though he’s a year younger than you, he’s more responsible. Now leave all of you. Class is almost over. *bring!!!!brrriiinnngggg!* Now have a nice weekend.” The entire class got up and left.
Sakura-FOREVER
nice but you know how it would be bettter

MAKE IT A EDxWIN FLUFF

please update
Automne
Well, it's...Fine, I guess. I laughed when I read the Izumi passage but you can be more descriptive and your chapters can be longer too. Oh yes and one more thing: Use less exclamation points. It's scary.
the_lightning_alchemist10
The couples will come soon, I need to work on description too I guess, and when I write I get short random ideas...in turn short chapters. By the way, I like the exclaimation points, but I will cut it down some more. I'm working on chapter three right now so please be patient, I promise to update as soon as I finish. It might take a while though...my teachers are swamping us with HW right now. I'll update as soon as I can though. Check for updates!!! biggrin.gif
Sakura-FOREVER
PrEtTy PrEtTy PlEaSe UpDaTe WiTh "NUDE EDWARD" oN ToP
Automne
QUOTE(Sakura-FOREVER Posted Yesterday @ 11:12 PM)
PrEtTy PrEtTy PlEaSe UpDaTe WiTh "NUDE EDWARD" oN ToP

Will you stop spamming? Especially with stupid replies like this?

the_lightning_alchemist10: You need to cut down exclamation points a lot! ph34r.gif
Sakura-FOREVER
QUOTE(SinLuxuria @ Oct 7 2005, 05:00 AM) [snapback]296945[/snapback]

QUOTE(Sakura-FOREVER Posted Yesterday @ 11:12 PM)
PrEtTy PrEtTy PlEaSe UpDaTe WiTh "NUDE EDWARD" oN ToP

Will you stop spamming? Especially with stupid replies like this?

the_lightning_alchemist10: You need to cut down exclamation points a lot! ph34r.gif




PLEASE STOP SPAMING ABOUT ASKIN PLP NOT TO ASK SOMEONE TO UPDATE
Winry The Alchemist
[font=Comic Sans Ms]Cool please put like spaces so we can tell whats happening better
the_lightning_alchemist10
Srry, no nude Ed (I'm in middle school so why woulds I look for that at this point of my life?) Anyway ya'll know I don't own FMA blah...blah..blah...ya know. BTW my computer isn't being nice so srry no spaces in between. Please make due, I'll try to fix it later! Check for uptates please!

Chapter three- Study Session

“So Ed,” Winry started, ”you ready for Ms. Hawkeye’s quiz?” Ed and Winry were at the Elric home studying for their tests and such. They were on the kitchen table where the best light was, and where all the snacks could be reached.
“No that’s why you’re here remember?” he said munching on a potato chip.
“Oh, yeah. So…”
“So…”
“Well, let’s get started!” she said.
“Okay. Opps, it’s already 5:00. I gotta check on Al,” he said grabbing some medicine for his sick little brother.
“Okay, I’ll go with you.”
____________________they go to Al’s room_______________________
Al was asleep so they left his medicine and crap on the nightstand.
_____________________they leave Al’s room_______________________
“Alright, back to work. Winry quiz me please,” Ed said begging.
“Fine, okay what’s the definition of Babylon?” she said reading his study guide.
“How the hell is that related to social studies?” he said having his “what the hell?” expression on his face.
“*sigh* okay, Babylon is…uhhh…it’s…uhhh. Ed your handwriting sucks!” she said squinting to see his handwritten notes. He scooted his chair over so he was less than an inch away from her.
“It’s uhhh..” just then Winry turned so they accidentally kissed. They quickly turned away from one another. We’re just friends right, but than why do I sense a bond stronger than that between us? Edward had thought blushing, while Winry was thinking basically the same thing.
“Uhhh, I just remembered…uhhh…I forgot to feed and walk Den,” Winry said standing up.
“Umm, okay. I understand. I can handle it,” he said. Silently they walked together toward the door, and he held it open. After she left and he gently closed the door he thought, what the hell just happened?
Automne
QUOTE
PLEASE STOP SPAMING ABOUT ASKIN PLP NOT TO ASK SOMEONE TO UPDATE

Ah, that post actually made me laugh back then! ohmy.gif
Yes, your post maybe wasn't spam but the author clearly stated it would take a while to update. You don't know how to read or you're just plainly stupid? ohmy.gif (By your 'NUDE EDWARD ON TOP' comment, I already know the answer.)
Ah yes and please, don't mind replying to my post. Spam time is over.

Now back on the fic:
Well, sorry but this chapter is pretty messed up. It's not long enough and there's not enough descriptions. So in general: Everything is happening too quickly. You should work on it more.
Frozen Ice Alchemist
Can there be Royai plz!!!!??? btw, luv your writing!
the_lightning_alchemist10
QUOTE
Well, sorry but this chapter is pretty messed up. It's not long enough and there's not enough descriptions. So in general: Everything is happening too quickly. You should work on it more.

Well, sorry but i gave an explaination before. And sorry but this is my first fic. Plus ther's also the fact that my skills won't be as good as others because I'm still fine tuning my skills (I'm still in middle school).

QUOTE
Can there be Royai plz!!!!??? btw, luv your writing!

Thank you and currently I'm working on Roy's role.

I beg you be patient. I have a lot of HW so I'm doing this on the side, so all that jazz. BTW I'm wondering why would I really need to describe the Elric house if you've seen it in the anime? oh crap I have to study, please check for updates. I'm still learning the art of the fanfic, so please be patient of my suckiness.
Phyco girl
A tip: Just read it over and such, you don't have to be a highschool student to be a great writer. Also, like said before there wasn't much description. Also some characters seemed a bit OOC.

It's cute but I think you could put a bit more work into it. However it's your first fic and I know how that is, but once you get the feel for it I'm sure you'll get better and better happy.gif Feel free to PM me if you ever need help with anything.

~Phyco girl biggrin.gif
Winry The Alchemist
forget SinLuxuria!!! tongue.gif I Think Is Pretty good i like the edXwin Littel kiss :* tocute well thanks for updateing!
Automne
QUOTE(the_lightning_alchemist10)
Well, sorry but i gave an explaination before. And sorry but this is my first fic. Plus ther's also the fact that my skills won't be as good as others because I'm still fine tuning my skills (I'm still in middle school).

I'm not trying to be mean to you.

I know this is your first fanfic. I'm just trying to give you 'useful' reviews so your writing and story can be better. I'm not going to write 'O MY GOD I LUV YOUR STORY SO MUCH' just because there's my favourite pairing in it and I perfectly know it's not great. It'd only be a waste of posts. Plus, like Phyco said, you don't have to be a highschool student to be a great writer. Another thing, if you continue to post so small chapters each time then your story is going to be a lot longer than you think.

That's all! (And I highly recommand to PM Phyco if you need help.)

the_lightning_alchemist10
[quote]I'm not trying to be mean to you.

I know this is your first fanfic. I'm just trying to give you 'useful' reviews so your writing and story can be better. I'm not going to write 'O MY GOD I LUV YOUR STORY SO MUCH' just because there's my favourite pairing in it and I perfectly know it's not great. It'd only be a waste of posts. Plus, like Phyco said, you don't have to be a highschool student to be a great writer. Another thing, if you continue to post so small chapters each time then your story is going to be a lot longer than you think.

That's all! (And I highly recommand to PM Phyco if you need help.[quote]

I PMed her, and I know about the small chapt.

Oh BTW I'm now kinda stuck for chapt. 4 (opps!) I'm open for ideas. I wanna give my veiwers what they want down on paper (okay microsoft word but you get it). Otherwise I'll get me friends involved and it might become worse. Open to suggestions!
Phyco girl
At this point I'd suggest having a small part about Winry walking the dog and her thoughts on the subject (which may involve talking to herself and a few mood swings throughout... maybe a few people staring at the discombobulated teen? laugh.gif) I think this could span from one to 2 1/2 pages long. It depends. I'd make this chapter mainly about Winry. So after that 2 1/2 pages (I'm hoping you'll make it that long tongue.gif) just reflect with a nice little ending sentence that's slightly dramatic.

2 and 1/2 pages is a good chapter. I think that it'd be a nice change of pace don't you? Besides ^^ I'd enjoy reading a nice long chapter from you. (it doesn't have to be super long XD But 2 1/2 pages is a good start ^^)

Ummm, so those are my suggestions happy.gif Use them if you like biggrin.gif

~Ja!

the_lightning_alchemist10
Thank you, right now I'm gathering ideas (I swear I'll use it at some point). My friends are helping me too, but I still need ideas so this won't happen frequently.
FMAlover^
I like this fanfic.I'll love to read a longer chapter.Anyway, I hope you will improve this time round biggrin.gif
the_lightning_alchemist10
Ya, I'm still workin on it so it's getting longer...but I'm soo soo sorry but now it's gonna take me forever cause this month I REALLY have to study for school, so that I don't fail, I'm planning to get it in by Nov....ish....eventually...when I'm safe from failing middle school...yeah...
the_lightning_alchemist10
sorry for the doublepost but i have good news, i finished chapters 4-5. 5 is the better of the 2 because i spent more time on that one. actually i think i finished chapter 4 in Nov.....i'm sorry but here:

Chapter four- Ed…WTF does that mean?
Ed ran his fingers gently through his bangs, while sliding slowly onto the floor, leaning on the door. Did that just happen? Winry is just a friend but, Ed blushed thinking about her, she’s like a sister to me. Just then Al came down the steps. He was still in his blue Pjs, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Ed didn’t notice, he had his own thoughts clouding his mind.

“Nii-san, “ Al said sleepily.

“AHHH!!!!!!!” Ed jumped a few feet, his heart pumping. He of course didn’t expect Al there.

“AH!” Al returned also surprised, “Hey Ed, what happened to Winry?”

“Uhhh,” Ed struggled to think of something,” She…wasn’t…felling well?”

“Oh I hope she didn’t catch my cold, “ Al announced. He was upstairs this whole time keep in mind, he had no idea what the hell was going on.

“Oh she didn’t catch your cold Al…” he slowly got off the ground. Should I tell Al? He’d help me sort this out right? His face went very serious like.

“Ed, what’s wrong?” Al asked walking toward his older brother. He looked so worried; he was such a good little brother.

“Okay Al, do you remember how you and I used to fight when we were kids over who’d get to marry Winry?” Ed asked.

“Yes…don’t tell me…you got a girlfriend!” Al said, “Who is she?”

“Ummmmm, hmmm, how can I say this…I kissed Winry?” Ed said blushing. Al’s jaw dropped.

“Winry!?” Al backed up, and slowly went upstairs.

“ I know that Al!!!!!” Ed shouted, “but what will I do?” Ed plopped himself on the couch and eventually fell asleep thinking in circles about everything.

Meanwhile Winry was walking Den.

“Den, I’m so confused, “ Winry, said gripping the dog’s leash, “I mean Ed is like a brother to me, not a good-kisser!” Den just stared.

“………You’re right Den, I should talk to him later! But when should I talk to him? I know school, at that stupid dance they’re holding. What do you think Den?” Winry asked. Den sat down and barked.

“Heh, we should go back Den, it’s getting late,” Winry told the dog, as they were talking the long walk home again.



Chapter 5-the battle
The next day everything supposedly returned to normal, Al went to school again, Ed and Winry were “just friends”, and Ed forgot with Science homework. Later on as the day progressed there was an issue.

“Students and faculty, no need to be alarmed,” called the principle over the loudspeaker during 4th period, “but…there is a mass murderer outside the school, telling me to give him all the state alchemists. If not he will blow the school up. Please all alchemists and any person that has a weapon and is actually really good at handling it, that means you Miss Hawkeye, report to the front parking lot.”

Half of the faculty went to the parking lot. Miss Hawkeye, Mrs. Izumi, Mr. Mustang, the alchemy club members, even Ed, and Al.

“This going to be very interesting isn’t Al?” Ed said running through the halls with Alphonse.

“Ed this has got to be serious, take it more seriously,” Al mentioned.

“What is he going to blow-up those fish-sticks they serve in the cafeteria? If so I say he’s doing a good job, those things are instant suicide!” Ed replied. Al shook his head. Ed you can be so rude at times, he thought to himself. The two stepped out to meet this so called “mass-murder”.

“This world was made perfect God. Alchemists change the natural into the unnatural…twist things out of their true form…they sin by defacing God’s creation,” spoke the man with the dark skin. The man spoke with such anger anyone could tell he wanted revenge but why? This man had dark skin, sunglasses, and a yellow outfit with a white shirt underneath his jacket; the most obvious fact of all though was the large X-shaped scar on his forehead.

“Who are you?” spoke Mr. Mustang.

“I am an instrument of divine justice!” he shouted out.

BAM! A gunshot broke out. The bullet just hit him in the face; his glasses fell to the ground. “Damn, I just barely hit him,” Miss Hawkeye said re-loading.

Mr. Armstrong gasped. “He’s an Isvalen. You can tell from the red eyes and dark skin of him. No wonder he’s targeting alchemists of the state,” he spoke aloud.

“What?” Ed asked.

Roy sighed, “Don’t you ever pay attention in class Edward? This has to do with the Isvalen war. One day a solider accidentally shot an Isvalen child. Then the war broke out, millions were killed. So they decided to call in the state alchemists,” Roy started. He had a face that you can tell was deep in thought. “The alchemists had to kill the rest of the village, men, women, and children. So the survivors-“

“Are seeking revenge,” Al finished.

“Correct,” said Armstrong, “it was a horrible war, but we had to do the dirty work, it was our duty.” Armstrong’s face dropped.

Ed looked away.

“Sir, we are still in battle you know,” Hawkeye told Roy.

“Of course Lt…I mean Miss Hawkeye. I’m sorry, old habits die hard,” Roy said. Everybody knew in the school that most of the staff was in the military and knew each other, so it was routine for them to use the military names.

Scar noticed the time to strike. He used alchemy to send energy toward Roy. Riza quickly kicked his ankle, causing him to lean back barely missing the shot.

“Smart thinking,” appeared a new comer to the scene. She had shoulder length black hair (like Roy’s), a flowing black robe, a white shirt with a bolt of blue lightning on the front, and white gloves with a transmutation circle on them. She’s kind of cute, thought Al.
ice_alchemist21
i like it a lot, i has a lot of good details in it, and it really sounds like things the character would say, !!!!!!!! exspecially in the beginnning with Al , that was so funny, AND AL IS HUMAN WHICH MAKES IT THE BEST!!!!!! keep writing phuese......*pouts*
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