chibi eds chibi lover, Dev
Aug 21 2005, 12:38 AM
[COLOR=purple]All righ, besides this being my first post, it is my firt posted FMA fic as well, so constructive cridicism is appreciated just dont flame ~cough~ tokoge~ cough~ I dont think this has been done before so im going to give it a shot, Im writing this as i go along so I dont know how frequent updates will be. ratered Tto be safe.
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, i do however own a small fortune in merchendise
Winrey panted and wiped the saturated hair from her eyes. She was going to get this right. She tightened the clasp around her hands and slammed her hands onto the ground. It instantly began to tremble, suddenly a stream of water came up and burst the carelessly transmuted Edward doll fifty feet into the air. The water rained down on Winrey’s overheated form, as if compensation for all the effort she had put for the last three months. She was ready.
Winrey ran all the way back to the Rockbell Automail clinic. She walked in the house sporting an exhausted but satisfied smile.
“I take it things went well today,” Pinoko said tinkering with Den’s Automail.
“I’m ready.” Winrey could not help but give a satisfied grin.
Pinoko looked up from her work with a frown. “are you sure child? You said the same thing a year ago…”
“yea I’m sure, last year I couldn’t pull of that drainage move, and I would have made it if that Trigam guy hadn’t applied.”
“if you say so…”
Winrey gave a supporting smile to her grandmother. “ If I make it this year, you can retire and we wont have to run the Clinic anymore, except for special consumers who never call or write.”
Pinoko and Winrey laughed at the Edward reference.
“It’s nothing like that, it’s just that I don’t want to see you disappointed like last time.”
Winrey gave the old woman a hug and went upstairs to pack. She placed her trusty wrench in her shoulder bag along with a few changes of clothes, a spare Automail kit incase the elder brother dumbass screwed up his Automail, and a picture taken a year and a half ago. Winrey stopped for a minute and looked at the picture. It was taken on the hill where the children played when they were children. Al and Winrey were laughing at Ed who had been jumping around with a bug in his pants. Winrey could see the imprint of the metal clasp on her hands. She had been training so hard back then. It was after the boys left back to central that she applied for the state alchemist exam. She was only 14 at the time but they let her try because Ed had mentioned his Automail mechanic to mustang before, even though he didn’t know that she had been secretly learning alchemy since he burnt down his house, she didn’t make it because some other 14 year old had applied, Russell, he was pretty cute, but he was pompous, that’s why Winrey had refused his advances for a date after the practical skills exam, that plus she was a sore loser.
She closed the bag and shook her head, she had studied, and she had practiced everyday. She was going to become a state alchemist. After all, she couldn’t baby-sit Ed from Resembool.
Winrey ran down the stairs with he bag and gave Pinoko a deep hug.
“I’m going to miss you and I’ll call you once I get to central and tell you the address that I’m staying at.”
“Hold on Winrey, the train to Central doesn’t leave for 3 hours, stay and have a nice dinner.”
“oh ok, I guess I was just I dunno.”
They sat in quite while they ate. The phone rang and the elder woman got up to answer it.
“Why hello Edward is your Automail broken?”
“Your Automail ISN’T broken and your calling us?”
Winrey nearly swallowed her chopsticks. She was however choking on a large clump of rice.
“One moment Edward, your mechanic seem to have swallowed her chopsticks.”
Pinoko walked over to Winrey, who was now pounding the floor with her fist. She hit her sharply on the middle of her back and the rice easily went down. Winrey raised a hand in gratitude as Pinoko returned to her phone call.
“I apologize about that, now you were saying.”
“I see. Well good luck.”
Pinoko hung up the phone. Winrey was ecstatic.
“That some of a bitch didn’t even ask about me?!?”
“No dear, that was Edward from the other side of town he is going on a missionary mission to the mountains and is coming in tomorrow for a tune up.”
“Ok now I feel stupid”
“I’m sure you do child, your train leaves in an hour, you might want to get going.”
“oh shit, thanks Gram, love you! Call you when I get to Central!”
Winrey ran out the door with her pony holder in her mouth.
‘I’m cutting this crap off as soon as I get to Central, you know what, I’m going to dye it to, I’m tired of being judges by my dahm hair color.’
Winrey arrived just as the announcer called over the intercom.
“Train 6 outgoing to Central is now boarding.”
She whipped her brow with the sleeve of her jacket, noticing that she still had her cuffs on.
“Oh well no biggie”
Our heroine got on train and sat in the front car. She laid her bag on a seat and used it as a pillow for a well-deserved nap.
“Arriving in Central in twenty minutes, attention passengers I repeat, twenty minutes.”
The loudspeaker clicked off and Winrey sat up.
“I should ‘yawn’ freshen up.”
Winrey got up and walked to the restroom cart. She noticed a group of men, probely in their 30’s, they were drinking and gawking at her. As she walked past the one nearest to the isle made the mistake of grabbing her backside. Winrey turned around with a look of pure evil on her face. The man snickered.
“Hey baby, looking for a little fun? He he he…”
Winrey leaned down her face a foot away from his.”
“you know what I do for fun?”
She punched him square in the nose, knowing that she still had the cuffs on. Winrey smiled in satisfaction as the man’s nose became a fountain of blood and he shrieked in pain.
“Now, what have me learned?”
The other me shielded their faces as Winrey walked back to her seat, she didn’t have time to wash up now, she would take a shower when she got to the trainee’s dorms at the HQ. Winrey stopped.
‘What if I see Ed or Al? I would have a lot of explaining to do…”
Then as if on queue a woman wearing a bubblegum pink uniform saying ‘Darlene’s Beauty Shop’ walked past. Winrey tapped the woman on the shoulder.
“Excuse me mam but could I by any chance get an appointment today?”
Aug 21 2005, 10:39 AM
This is not a flame... and I highly doubt that Toka
ge flamed you.
First off, it's not 'Winrey' it's Winry, there is no 'e'. Since, Winry seems to be the main character, I think it would be better if you spelt her name correctly.
There are some plotholes with this story and, somethings that seem a bit off.
The beginning I'm not sure I understand, but I'm assuming that she transmuted an Edward doll and water came flying out. How excatly did she do that?
Next part, I highly doubt that with only a year and 3 months practise that Winry could get so good at alchemy, especially being so good that she could be a state Alchemist at the age of 14. Just because Edward made it doesn't mean she could, Edward studied Alchemy for years
, he had a TEACHER, winry only seems to have studied for a year and 3 months. Let's not forget that Edward was also choosen because he didn't need a transmutation circle to perform alchemy. I highly doubt Winry has that.
Russel? [I will come back to this later]
You constanly spelled, 'Pinoko' wrong, it's Pinako. Also, it was kinda of sudden that she picked up the phone and it's Edward.
Also Winry would not swear infront of her grandmother let alone swear at all, she has never swore once in the manga/anime.
There is more that I have to cover but I gotta go, so I'll edit this post once I come back, sorry for the rush.
Aug 22 2005, 02:55 AM
Not to bad, and this isn't a flame post either.
I'd like to keep reading more, I truly hope to see a new update to your story!
It sounds promising and very funny.
I know I personally haven't come across any fics with Winry doing alchemy, Although I'm sure it has at least crossed a few writers minds out there.If anyone knows of another good fic with Win doing alchemy please PM me with info or a link, I'd like to read it.
I agree with everything Fresh Coffee has said so far.Fresh Coffee;
I think she had transmuted a doll that looked like Edward in which she had laid on the ground and then slammed both palms to the earth in an attempt to do something with water. She succeeded in her alchemy attempt and water shot up sending the Edward doll "fifty feet" up into the air?
I could be totally wrong here but that was my take on it.
As for Edward calling I believe it was intended to read like it was indeed Edward Elric at first, but it seems after hanging up the phone Pinako is telling Winry it is a "Edward" they know from down the road, who is also a automail customer?
Again I could be terribly wrong here too... ???
Anyway, back to the fic.
Long story short, I enjoy reading this fic so far and
would like to read your next chapter.
Thanks for taking the risk of 'flames' to post your story.I do hope nothing I have written here will offend you.
Take care and keep posting!
chibi eds chibi lover, Dev
Aug 23 2005, 12:14 AM
ok the cuffs I keep refering to on winrey's hands have arrays on them, sorry for not making that clearer, and what she did was transmuted a doll resembeling Ed and used it as a target. The title of the fic should have provided some insite into how win does it. she uses the roots of the plant(trees grass ect. ) to transport water into one spot where she minipulates it, thus firing it at ed doll. Understand?
next topic of discrepency, winrey has NOT been learning for alchemy for a year and 3 months, she has been studing since ed left, her derternination unlocked her potital, She applied to the exams a year and 3 months previous. But failed. She had been working on that particular move for 3 months.
russle: do you not think that he would be able to pass the test? And we know he IS somewhat pompus (via ep 11)
i am sorry for the spelling errors and such, i am 14 and i cant spell worth a crap, my spellcheck does not do names.
I ams orry for all the stuff that I got wrong but its my first week of high school and my life is somewhat hectic at the moment. Iwill be extra careful in the next chappy which i have already written most of in my FMA notebook. It is from edo's point of veiw.
thanxxx for reading my fic!!!
Aug 23 2005, 01:33 AM
Hey no problem!
Thanks for clearing up some of the stuff with Winry and the water.
I don't think anyone wants ya to feel bad, your doing pretty well, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Hey it's cool, school can be hectic don't stress to much over any of this, just try and have fun with it, okay? Promise me that! ...This is an order!!
he, he, No seriously just have fun with it, remember one thing okay?
It is YOUR story period and we want to hear it how you want to tell it.
Just don't forget no one has attacked ya yet and I don't think anyone will. No one is really out to attack anyone here on these boards, but there are plenty of people here who can help give you some priceless advice and help. There are some incredible and extremely talented writers here but they all had to learn to write too. Chances are a lot of them didn't have such a kind board as this to learn on when they started.
I eagerly await your next chapter.
chibi eds chibi lover, Dev
Aug 23 2005, 09:46 PM
Chappy 2 up! Featuring Edward Elric! No one is perfect; including Riza Hawkeye! Learn who’s not a morning person!
Edward Elric walked down the halls of the Central Command Center. He was gripping his coffee as if it was his elixir of life.
“ What the hell could Mustang want at this ungodly hour, hold up, what is he doing UP at this ungodly hour?”
“Mr. Elric sir!”
Edward cringed, did she have to talk that loud, and it was 6:30 in the morning after all!
“Good morning first lt. How is your day going so far.”
Riza gave him a look like her was legitimately insane, but she quickly returned to her professional stance.
“ I am here to convey orders from the Colonel to you.”
“ You mean that luck bastard is still in a nice warm bed while I’m freezing my ass off over here!”
“I advise you to lower you voice sir, people ARE sleeping you know…”
“Yea I know! Everyone but us!”
“Sir we should be discussing this in the office ahhh”
Hawkeye made a deep yawn. Ed smiled weakly.
Riza snatched the cup eagerly and gave Ed a grateful nod.
Riza nodded again and walked silently towards Roy’s office. After about a minute or so, they reached their destination. Riza pulled out a key and unlocked the door. She unceremoniously tossed the now empty double triple xxx L coffee cup in the garbage while Ed gawked. He had only had taken three sips!
“So why exactly am I here?”
Hawkeye paused and nibbled her bottom lip.
“ The colonel thinks that you freelancing, along with you’re sorry excuse for a budget is getting old.”
“The State Alchemist Exam is being held starting this morning”
Ed merely sat there chewing on the straw from the coffee. Riza said the next with a rush.
“And you will be partnered with whomever passes”
“The newly instated alchemist will be your new partner sir.”
“I am NOT sharing all of my years of research with some inexperienced newbie!”
“You don’t really have a choice in the matter sir.”
“This is complete BULLSHIT!!”
Edward stormed out of the office and slammed the door behind him.
“Nisan? What are you doing up so early was it that dream again? You know the one where the colonel liked boys and he made you go with him to that…”
“So it wasn’t the dream?”
“No damit! The colonel said that my ‘freelancing’ is getting out of control.”
“We have to make the next person who passes the exams is going to be our new partner.”
“The State Alchemist Exams?”
“Sounds interesting, I think it would be a welcome change.”
The elder alchemist looked at his brother as if he had just subjected that he prance around in hot pink tights while singing happy birthday.
“Oh I see; you’re scared aren’t you? You’re scared that he might be as good at alchemy as you are, or even worse, better.”
“Yea your right al, im scared of the snot faced newbie. You caught me.”
“I’m going to the store, I’m low on chalk”
Alphonse was motioning towards the pouch on his right leg.
Ed mumbled something inaudible and stomped off to his dorm.
Well r&r, also fox the nice review and coffee for the nit picking I paid more attention when writing this chappy, event though it was horribly short, I might post 4 later tonight if I get a few reviews.
I know it was just to set up the plot. The action begins to pick up in chapters 3&4. I
Promise it gets better!
Aug 26 2005, 01:43 PM
[COLOR=purple]oww that hurts, i said that I wasnt going to post again until someone replyed but alas, im at school and have written chapters 3 and 4 dispite the fact that my teachers did not approve of my doing it in class. Will post an update tonight![/COLOR]
Aug 26 2005, 05:44 PM
I'm a little too lazy to continue my review about this story, so I'll continue it later. : D If you were wondering why I hadn't finished yet.
chibi eds chibi lover, Dev
Sep 13 2005, 07:26 AM
I doubt anyone will read this but My laptop went fora swim durring hurricane Katrina, I live in new orleans( :'( ) and Ive written the next few chaps but I havent had a computer to type them on, i have a few minutes bc im loading a new verson of aol onto my buds comp but ill post it i can, just to piss u off...
Sep 14 2005, 03:32 PM
piss me off? I'm not mad at your fic.