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Copycat-Heather-Elric
Resembool, 1906 Heather age:6 Edward age:7 Alphonse age:6 Kolulu age:4

"Come on, brothers! You'll never catch me that way!" Called the little six-year old girl Heather, as Edward and Alphonse tried to catch up with her they thought it was impossible, It was a sunny day and Heather and her brothers played tag happily, not knowing this would be the last day they would see Heather for a long time, as they were running Heather accentently ran into her mother, her eyes were streaming with tears, Ed and Al caught up, and stopped to see what was happening, "What's wrong, mommy?"
cooed Heather softly while tugging on her mom's dress, Kolulu skipped over cheerfully, back then her and Heather were inseperable friends, she suddenly stopped in her tracks to examine what was happening. "Oh, Heather.." Trisha weeped. A dark stranger appered Heather had never seen this man before. The man walked over to try to comfort Trisha, everyone was curious. "Mommy?....." asked Heather, the stanger reiplied, "Heather, you have to come with me now," said the man in a low voice.
Heather looked suprised, "Why? I want to stay here with Brothers and Mommy!" tears started to swell up in her eyes. "Oh, Heather, I can't take care of you anymore, we don't have enough money!" Trisha burst out in tears, "But mommy, I don't want to go with scary man!" Heather also burst out in tears, the stranger grabbed Heather and picked her up. Ed and Al rushed over to Trisha and grabbed her dress forcefully and both burst out in tears, "Mother, where is the scary man taking sister?" Alphonse said watching Heather being taken away by the dark man. "Mommy, you have to stop him!" said Edward tears streaming down his face, "Mommy, stop him!" Edward repeated again,
"Mommy! Stop him! Mommy!....." Edward could'nt talk anymore, "Oh, Edward,....." the two boys embraced there mother and watched sadly as there sister was taken away by the dark stranger......


Rush Valley, Day 1,1914 Heather age:14 Kolulu age:12 Edward age:16 Alphonse age:14

"Heather! Strawberry tart for table two!" shouted Kolulu Rockbell from the window by the kitchen. "Just a sec!" called back Heather Elric as she was putting the final touches on the tart. "Here you go Kolulu," said Heather handing the tart to Kolulu. "Good." said Kolulu walking over to the table handing the tart to the lady at the table. "Thank you." said the lady handing Kolulu a few Yen. The lady finished the tart and left. "Looks like that's it for today." said Kolulu closing the cafe' for the day. "Finally...." said Heather going into the changing room. "You know, Heather, I have listened to a few people's conversations, and a few people have met up with you-know-who." said Kolulu leaning on the wall next to the changing room door. "Really?" replied Heather walking out of the changing room,her blonde-sholder length hair was in a pony-tail,her golden yellow eyes sparkled and she was wearing a dark blue jacket-shirt thing and blue-black pants with short black-blue boots. She walked over to the coat rack to grab her long black-blue trench coat, she slung it over her automail sholder. Heather slipped on her coat and walked out of the building, Kolulu soon followed, she was wearing A pink mini-dress, dark pink shorts, and pink kimono pants her dark pink boots were covered up by her pants, her long magenta-orange hair was let down and reached to her automail knees, her different colored eyes,(the right one is pink the left one is purple) sparkled in the sun. "I feel some uncertiany." said Kolulu. "Oh-Shut up." replied Heather. Heather looked up into the sky,"Just face it, Kolulu, I'll never see them again." Heather said softly. "Don't say that!" said Kolulu, Heather looked at her, "Heh..That's easy for you to say, Your a psychic.." said Heather, sticking her hands into her pockets, she pulled out her state alchemist's pocketwatch and stared at it for a minute. "Yeah, I'm a psychic, but you're an alchemist! You can do amazing things!" said Kolulu looking at the watch then to the sky. Heather put her watch into her coat pocket and smiled, "Yeah, but I have limits, like every other human....." she said putting her hand on the back of her neck. Kolulu looked at Heather who was looking at the ground. "So... where are we going?" asked Kolulu strolling casually. "You mean you."said Heather. "What? Your staying here?" asked Kolulu. "No, your going back to Resembool to visit your family." said Heather she looked up into the sky,"I'm going to central to look up some files.."she looked back down. "You're still looking?" asked Kolulu. Heather looked to the side, "Yeah." they reached the station and parted ways.
Kolulu's train left, but Heather was waiting for her's. Then it pulled up and she got on it, slipped her black-blue hat with ribbons an it gentily on to her head. She took her seat, and unaware to her the two boys she had been looking for borded that same train......
Edward and Alphonse Elric borded a train headed to central, for a special asignment, by Lt. Colonel Roy Mustang, also unaware to them Heather had called Roy earlier to ask him about the locations of Ed and Al, and Roy had planned this "asignment" to reunite them. They borded the train and sat in the seat two down from Heather.Ed and Al sat down and Heather sat down on her knees and stared at Al(she does'nt know who he is yet) and looked over to him. Ed stared to Heather, "Do you got a problem?" he said to Heather. "No! Nothing!" She stared at Ed this time, she seemed to know him. Heather got up and walked over to Ed and Al. "Do you mind if I sit here also?" asked Heather. "Sure!" said Edward and scooted over, Heather took her seat and sat down. Heather stared at her hands then Ed then her hands the Ed.
"Do you have a problem?" said Ed. "No!" Heather yelled a little. "You just....look so familiar....." she said softly. "Yeah you too," replied Ed. They both looked into each other's eyes for a few seconds and stopped. "What's your name, kid?" asked Edward, "Heather..."replied Heather. Edward had a blank stare on his face, Heather was confused."Did I say something?" asked Heather. "Take off your hat for a minute!" said Edward. Heather took off her hat, to Ed's suprise Heather's hair style looked exactally like his. Edward and Alphonse stared at Heather, Heather giggled, "What's wrong guys?" Heather asked. "You idiot! You don't know who we are?!" Ed yelled.
Heather looked at him, Heather's face grew a cold stare. "Edward?" Heather said coldly. "Brother, is it?" Alphonse said. Heather hugged Ed in a crushing hug.
Heather started to cry a little. "Okay, that's enough!" Ed said coughing, Heather let go, "Then," she looked at Al, "Alphonse?" Heather said softly. "Yeah...." Al sounded sad."What happened to you guys?" Heather said softly sitting back down. "We tried bringing back ,Mom, Heather.." Al said softly."What? What happened to mom?" asked Heather."She's dead!" Ed said loudly. Heather looked suprised, "But how?" cooed Heather. "Some sort of sickness..." Said Alphonse. Heather's face turned pale, and her stare grew cold."Oh- so you lost your body? I know how that feels......" Heather said while grabbing her right arm. "What'd you say?" asked Ed. "Oh- nothing!" said Heather,"and what about you Ed?" asked Heather, "What?" asked Ed, "You, did anything happen to you?" asked Heather softly. "I was the lucky one.." said Ed pulling up his shirt sleeve showing his automail arm. He pulled it back down then showwed his automail leg. Heather looked at him still holding her arm. "Ed, I could help, but just for a while." said Heather. Ed and Al sat down, "What? How?" asked Ed curiuosly. Heather put her hands together in a clasping motion and held it there for a minute.Then she stopped and put one of her hands on Ed's arm then leg, in a briliant flash of alchemic light it was over. "What was that for? What did it do?" asked Edward. "You'll see." Said Heather smirking she pulled up his shirt sleeve to revel a non-automail arm the his pant leg to revel a non-automail leg. Edward was shocked he stared at his normal limbs. "How'd you do that?" He asked, "Don't be too excited, it only lasts for two hours" she said holding up two un-gloved automail fingers.Ed stared at her, "You too, huh?" he asked Heather. "What?" She replied."Your arm." anwsered Alphonse.Heather looked at her hand that she was holding up, then she put one of her gloves back on.Heather looked down, "Yeah." she said putting her hands in her lap. "Can you change me, too?" asked Alphonse. "No, sorry Al, not now You'll have to wait til' Ed's time is up." said Heather turning her attention out the window. "It's getting close to night~time." cooed Heather softly, "We should be to central tomorrow." replied Edward.
"Yeah, Heather you should head back to your own seat." said Alphonse. "Yeah, night guys." said Heather."Night." said Edward and Alphonse.They watched Heather walk back to her seat and then lay down and cover herself with her coat.

Central, Day 2, 1914

Heather woke up to the bright shine of the sun. To her suprise they were in central. Ed and Al greeted her and they got off the train.Edward was complaining about his hunger, so Heather and Al agreed to stop for some food. They stopped at a little cafe' , witch reminded Heather of her cafe' back in Rush Valley. Thinking of that made her miss Kolulu, but she was also happy that she found her brothers. After they were done eating they, stopped by a hotel to rent a room, thanks to Heather, they got to stay free! Heather was famous around central. "Hey, Ed, are we really going to stop by to talk to Mustang?" asked Heather curiously. "No, whatever he's got to say, I would'nt care about it." replied Ed with a smile on his face. "Does he ask you to meet him alot?" asked Heather. "No, not really." replied Alphonse. "Hey, Heather, are'nt you a state alchemist?" asked Alphonse."Um, yeah, I am." said Heather, "Lt. Major Heather Elric, huh?" Said Edward. "Yeah, how did you know?" replied Heather. "I've heard rumors about you." anwsered Edward. "Yeppers, I'm pretty famous, but you you're the most amazing alchemist ever ,Ed! The FullMetal Alchemist, hero of the people, and I'm The Blue Sky Alchemist, super~dog of the miliatary." Heather said looking up at the sky. "Well, yeah, but your alchemic powers are amazing! You can transform the human body!" replied Edward."The human body....." said Heather putting her hand on the back of her neck."Hey, Heather! Found some boys to hang out with?" said a familiar voice. Heather turned around to the direction the voice was comming from. "Kolulu?" said Heather shakly. Kolulu came out from where she was hiding and gave Heather a hug, Heather pushed her away."What are you doing here?" asked Heather softly."I left early!" replied Kolulu. "Why?" asked Heather."To see you!" Kolulu said cheerfully.
"But why? You finally got a chance to go see your family!" scowled Heather. "Yeah, but I felt sorry because you did'nt have any family to see!" Kolulu stared at Ed and Al for a minute and asked, "Who are they?". "It's Ed and Al! Silly!" Heather said smiling. "Ed and Al?......" Kolulu stared at Al. Edward and Heather watched Kolulu creep up to Al, "Alphonse? What happened?" asked Kolulu. "They tried to bring back Trisha." replied Heather staring at the ground. "Your mom?" asked Kolulu. "So you lost your body?" asked Kolulu. "Kolulu, don't bother them like that!" said Heather clinging on to Kolulu's arm. "Well, I can relate!" said Kolulu shaking her arm around, Heather let go and fell to the ground, her hat gently fell to the ground, Alphonse helped her up. "What do you mean by you can relate?" asked Edward. Kolulu rolled up her pant legs to revel her automail legs, and kneeled back a little. "See, me to!" said Kolulu as she let her pant legs fall back down and flop over her pink boots."What happened to you?" asked Edward. "A bad fire and I could'nt get out in time, I barily made it out by my knees!" replied Kolulu. "Heather, how'd you get your's? You never told us." asked Kolulu.
Heather felt nervous. "Let's head back to the hotel first, then we can talk." replied Heather as she started to head back to the hotel, Edward, Alphonse and Kolulu soon followed.They made it back to the hotel soon after, Kolulu got a room two rooms down. The room that Heather, Edward and Alphonse were staying in had two rooms put together. "I'm going to go change." said Heather walking into her part of the room and closing the door. A few minutes later she came back out and was wearing an outfit similar to Kolulu's but it had sleeves and was black-blue. She walked over to Edward and sat down. Ed had taken off his coat and shirt-jacket, and was wearing a black tanktop."I'm going to bed guys." said Heather giving Ed a kiss on the cheek and going back to her room. "Night, Heather." replied Edward and Alphonse. They watched Heather walk back to her room and close the door. Soon after Ed and Al fell asleep too.


NO COMMENTS THAT ARE'NT NICE!
Elderberry
..Heather-san, when you write and post fanfiction, you don't stick little notes at the end demanding that people comment nicely. What you're supposed to ask for is *ahem* something known as "constructive criticism." So....with that in mind...I'll try my very best to give you an honest review (seeing as I don't have much to do right now anyway~). happy.gif

The first thing I noticed was that there is a HUGE abundance of plot holes in this fanfic...ohmy.gif||...it seems that Aru and "Heather" not only share the same age, but the same mother as well. I'm not sure if she's meant to be an imaginary twin sibling of the Elrics, but there is no mention of it. Heather seems to be somewhat like a female clone of Ed (but with a blue motif), but I'll let you decide how much of a Mary-Sue she is, since I have no experience with those. rolleyes.gif

Trisha's character is also a bit flawed...it's very clear that she cares for her dear children unmeasurably, and would not trade them for anything in the world. In episode 3, when Trisha is ill and laying in bed, she informs Ed and Aru about a store of money that their father left behind, and tells them to use it to support themselves. This occurs when the Elric brothers are ages 11 and 10, and Hohenheim left soon after Aru was born.

The character Kolulu also seems to be having trouble fitting into the Hagaren world. Um...her hair and eye colors are extremely unrealistic (the Ishbalites have red eyes, but I doubt that there'd be any characters with "magenta-orange" hair...mellow.gif), and I don't really see how she fits in with the mechanical Rockbell family, since she seems to have little knowledge/interest in automail, etc. Also, the many layers of pink clothing, specifically the "kimono pants" seem quite out of place in Rush Valley (but that might just be my fussy mind).

Heather's unusual ability to transmute human flesh for a temporary period of time seems to blatantly violate the laws of 'touka koukan,' but perhaps there's an explanation coming up somewhere...rolleyes.gif Also, it's rather interesting that she's attempted human transmutation before and is a famous state alchemist herself, when she was working as a waitress somewhere in Rush Valley.

Also, as far as I can tell, Kolulu lives with or very close to Heather in Rush Valley...so there's no plausible reason for her to pop up at Central before Heather just to "see" her, especially when the train ride seems to extend overnight. And according to the start of the story, Kolulu wasn't taken away with Heather, so I find it a bit odd that she couldn't recognize Ed or Aru, since I can't quite see her moving to Rush Valley by herself at such a young age.

You mentioned 'yen' at one point of the fanfic, but Rush Valley doesn't seem to be a Japanese society.

Oh, and I really have to mention that you're supposed to start a new paragraph everytime a new or different person speaks. ohmy.gif The huge, bunched-up paragraphs felt a bit cluttered, and somewhat tiring to read. happy.gif|| Aside from that, your English grammar was decent, although the wording of some lines could have been more fluid.


...aside from that, well....I actually somehow amused myself reading this, despite the many gaping plot holes. So...um....if you really feel compelled to continue writing, by all means, excercise your creativity, but do try to watch out for those plot holes!! biggrin.gif
Copycat-Heather-Elric
>.<
I'm scared!
Hehehehe, you and me think the same way about Kolulu.
I did'nt make Kolulu up, my friend did, I did complain about her, but my friend just beat me up.
Are'nt all fanfics just fiction and could never happen in the world (of the show or anime) the story could be about anything if is like that and makes just the tiniest bit of sense.
Right?
But thanx anyway.
foolmetal alchemist
Well, I certainly think it's alright to go against minor details of the anime, but you should always follow the major facts. For example, you should always stay true to 'equivalent exchange', or 'touka koukan'. Otherwise, your story could turn out very unlikely. Fanfics tend to be much more interesting when they are close to the real story. It makes you feel like it's an extention of the anime.
Copycat-Heather-Elric
Fine, see if I ever post the sequel.
foolmetal alchemist
Why wouldn't you post the sequel? Criticism makes you a better writer. You should listen to other's opinions.
Copycat-Heather-Elric
Well all it sounds like your doing is being mean.
foolmetal alchemist
It's not "being mean". It's constructive criticism. Criticism tells you what mistakes you made. If you can see your mistakes, then you can be sure to aviod making them again.
Copycat-Heather-Elric
I still don't like it.
Fresh_Coffee
QUOTE(Copycat-Heather-Elric @ Aug 10 2005, 03:38 PM)
I still don't like it.
[snapback]247985[/snapback]



Then will you want people to keep pointing these mistakes, do you not want to improve?
Radical Alchemist
QUOTE(Copycat-Heather-Elric @ Aug 10 2005, 02:38 PM)
I still don't like it.
[snapback]247985[/snapback]


If you don't want people's feedback then you probably shouldn't post your work on a public site. Nobody's insulted you. They were giving you advice to make your fanfic better.
Saturn Stars
Hun, they are not being mean.

Guys, even though I know you are giving her constructive critiscm, I think you can see it's a little too much for her.

They were just trying to help so they can see you improve, they aren't being mean at all, they are actually being nice. Especially Eke-San who took her time to write out a whole big concrit of your story just so you could improve.

So don't let her down and write the second chapter even better!
Prinz_Zoisit
waaaaah >.<

no <<réunion>>.....louis XIV. shall be conteted with his french empire....
Luckyalchemy27
Well, aside from what EKE said, the thing that I must point out is the lack of periods. It just...bugs me.
Elderberry
QUOTE(Heather-san)
I still don't like it.
It's selfish to think that you won't ever encounter negative experiences in life, so the least you can do is learn to deal with them maturely. happy.gif

And despite all the plotholes, I'd still like you to finish this up~ smile.gif
theothersin
-this will make me sound like a teacher or something, and it goes totally against my personality, but here it is-

You should definatly continue writing this fic. I can see how you would take the constructive criticism, because I often take it harshly as well. But it is a part of every story/fic writers work. They aren't calling you a bad writer, they're just showing you how and where it is possible -and it is always possible- to improve. Your fic has to much potential to just stop writing it, so please continue, even if your just writing it for yourself instead of others.

Warning you that I will hunt you down if need be,
Witt
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