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Huzzah, yet another fic so high on the crap charts. *gnaws on a corn muffin* The characters will most likely be OOC in this fic, but I honestly don't give a damn right now. The idea for this one's been buzzing around in my head (plenty of room for it to buzz, too, it's so vacant in there O_O) and I just need to get rid of it. Alrigh-tay then! Here we go.

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd love to say I own FMA, I don't.

Chapter Numero Uno

"And then she told me that I was the most selfish, disrespecting waste of space she'd ever met. Can you believe it?"

Roy put his hand over his eyes, massaging his temples with his thumb and index finger. "No, Jean," he sighed. "I can't believe it."

They were in the lounge at East HQ. Roy was seated at the table while Jean Havoc paced the room, rambling on about his latest date.

"I'm telling you, women these days must be crazy!" complained Jean. "I haven't gone out with anyone in months who hasn't told me the exact same thing. I just don't understand it. I mean, I'm a nice guy, right?"

He paused and glanced at Roy. "Right?"

Roy lowered his hand and turned his ebony eyes on the man in front of him. He was tired of the conversation, but Havoc simply wouldn't shut up.

"Yeah, Jean," Roy replied tonelessly. "You're a great guy."

"I know!" cried Jean. "But I can never keep any of my girlfriends!"

"I simply can't imagine why," said Roy dryly.

Jean opened his mouth to go on, but at that moment the lounge door opened. Riza's head poked into the room. "Havoc," she said. "Lt. Breda was asking for you."

Jean sighed and turned around. "Duty calls, I guess. See ya later, Mustang."

He exited the room. Roy leaned back in his seat, an expression of intense relief spreading over his face. "Thank you," he mouthed at Riza. She cocked her head, her eyes questioning, then nodded and ducked back out of the room.

Roy stood up and stretched, yawning. He looked down at a sleeping Fuery. The poor man had also been forced to listen to Jean's complaining, but his will hadn't been as strong as Roy's. He had drifted off halfway through the rant.

Roy poked him in the shoulder. "Come on, Fuery," he said. "Nap time's over."

"Hmnnn...wha?" Fuery shook himself awake. He sat up, staring groggily at Roy. "Oh, yes. Sorry, Colonel."

Roy sighed again and headed for the door. He stepped out into the corridor, which was bustling with activity. Men and women in blue uniforms scurried in and out of offices, toting stacks of paperwork. Roy walked briskly past them all, and at the end of the hall turned left, into his own office. He made sure to close the door behind him before sitting down in his big, comfy desk chair.

He propped his elbows up on the desk and rested his chin on his hands. He had to do something about Jean. The man was just too annoying. He was almost as bad as Hughes! He needed to be stopped.

But there was only one way to fix this problem. Havoc needed to get a girlfriend.

And Roy was going to find him one.

Okey-dokes, that's chap one. Free corn muffins to anyone who reviews. *sets them out on a table and waits*
Corn muffins! You can never resist corn muffins. xD -Munches on one.- Very nice, but it makes you impaitent because you have to wait to see who the suprise pairing is. :D See? 45 seconds after reading already made me impaitent. X3 Keep going! n_n
Saturn Stars
I agree! *Takes corn muffin gladly!* You need to write more till I can tell how excellent it will be. But I am definetly impatient! YOu have a reader here! Keep going
-scarfs down the few cornmuffins on the table- yum. I'M SO DAMN IMPATIENT! Hope you update again soon!
Yeeees. Bow to the power of the almighty corn muffin. Kudos to hagane no tokage for giving me the idea to try them. Sooooo gooooood. X3
Chappy Two

Roy waited patiently at his desk, his hands clasped in front of him. Riza Hawkeye entered the office. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes. Please sit down." Roy got up and walked across the room. He shut the door while Riza settled down in the chair facing the desk.

As soon as the door had closed Roy dropped his professional manner. He went back to his desk chair and flopped down into it.

"Hawkeye, I need help. Desperately," he said. "I am prepared to beg you. Please help me."

Riza raised an eyebrow. "What do you need?"

Roy rested his forehead on the heel of his hand. "I need a date for Jean. Do you know anybody, anybody, who's up to the job?"

Both eyebrows went up this time. "Jean? Jean Havoc? That Jean?"

Roy nodded slowly. Riza couldn't help herself. She laughed. "You're kidding, right? You are trying to set up Havoc?"

She was giggling uncontrollably. "I don't think anyone I know would be up to it."

Roy moaned softly. "How about you, then?"

Riza's giggles immediately ceased. Her mahogany eyes narrowed dangerously. "No," she said sternly.

"Aw, c'mon," Roy coaxed. "Just one little date! I'm not asking you to be his girlfriend or anything-"

"I said no!" snapped Riza.

Roy sighed heavily. "Do you know anyone else I can ask?"

"How about Maria Ross?"


Riza thought hard for a moment. "What about the Elrics?"


"Yes, the Elrics! They have that mechanic friend, Winry. She might know someone."

Roy stroked his chin thoughtfully. "That's a good idea," he decided.

Riza smiled faintly. "I'm glad I could help, sir."

"Yes. Thanks, Hawkeye."

She nodded and stood up. "I'll see you later," she said, and exited the office.

Roy grinned and picked up the phone. He dialed the familiar number, and after two rings Hughes picked up.


"Hey, Maes. It's me."

"Oh, hey, Roy! What's up?"

"Maes, have you seen the Elric brothers around here lately?"

"Actually, yeah. They were here earlier. You can probably catch them if you hurry."

Roy's grin broadened. "Thanks, Maes!"

"No problem. Why-?"

Roy hung up before Hughes could finish the question. He leapt up from his chair and burst out of the office. He nearly flew down two corridors and into the front lobby of HQ. He was in luck. Just as he skidded into the lobby, he saw a flash of crimson among the blue.

"HEY! Fullmetal!" Roy shouted.

The red-clad figure paused. Roy jogged up to the young alchemist, panting. "Fullmetal, I need to get the phone number of your mechanic."

Edward's golden eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why?" he asked.

"Never you mind," snapped Roy. "I need that number now."

Ed gave him a funny look before rattling off the numbers. Roy's face split into a huge, maniacal grin. Free of common sense, he then did something he never thought he would do. He hugged Ed, then whirled around and dashed down the hall.

"I'll pay you back someday!" Roy called over his shoulder. "Unless I forget!"

He was tempted to skip back to the office, but he had already lost a lot of dignity that day. This was one of the happiest moments of his life, the day he was going to cure Jean Havoc of his evil ways. Thank God for Winry Rockbell.

He perched once again on his desk chair and picked up the phone, still smiling. He quickly dialed the number. After two rings someone picked up.

"Rockbells' Automail," said an energetic female voice.

"Winry Rockbell?" asked Roy.

"Yes, sir," said the voice.

"Hello, this is Colonel Roy Mustang. Miss Rockbell, I have a job for you."

Yes, I know, it's short. Get used to it. I'm too lazy to write a long chapter. Anyway, please review.
foolmetal alchemist
I'm enjoying this! Good job lucky!
"How about Maria Ross?"


Riza thought hard for a moment. "What about the Elrics?"


"Yes, the Elrics! They have that mechanic friend, Winry. She might know someone."

that was tooo funny.... but i thought for a second that this was gonna turn into yaoi..... i swear i wasn't dissapointed *darty eyes* ph34r.gif
*pats shoulder* I'm sure you weren't. ;3
Omg Lucky I love it, This is an awesome fic! It's absolutely hilarious! I lmao like crazy!! I'm dying for the next chapter, so please don't make use wait long!! laugh.gif *Munches on a Corn Muffin* Cannot wait for the next chapter! lol It did look like yaoi for a split second there. lol That was so great. tongue.gif
Huzzah. Another chapter. This one is uber-short. Ask nicely and I'll update tomorrow. ;3
Chapta Three!

After being informed that he worked with Ed, Winry cooperated very nicely with Roy. She told him that one of her clients had a sister who was desperate for a boyfriend. According to Winry, she was pretty, nice, and very strong-willed. She would be able to stand up to Havoc if she needed to.

"Her name is Aideen Knott," said Winry.

Roy's smile nearly popped off his face. "She sounds perfect!" he exclaimed.

After another hour and a half of phone calls and schedule changes, everything was set up. Jean was going on a date with Aideen whether he liked it or not.

As he hung up the phone for the last time, Roy raised his fist to the cieling and let out a victory cry. Riza entered the office once again, a stack of papers in her arms. She set them down on Roy's desk. "Why're you so happy?" she asked.

"I finally got Havoc a date," said Roy smugly. "He and Winry's friend are going to that new restaurant, Cafe Le'Ron, next Thursday. It's all set up." his dark eyes gleamed. "Only one more thing left to do."

"And that is...?"

"We tell Havoc."

"You mean he doesn't know yet?" cried Riza. "And what do you mean by 'we'?"

"You're going to help me, aren't you?" asked Roy innocently.

Riza glared furiously at him, crossing her arms. "And why should I do that?"

Roy pouted. "I need a woman's advice to help me get Jean fixed up for the date. Please will you help me?"

Riza's face didn't change, but her brain was working hard. Damn, she hated it when he got all pathetic like this. She unfolded her arms. "Fine," she sighed.

Roy perked up immediately. "Thank you, Hawkeye," he said sweetly.

Riza rubbed her forehead. What had she gotten herself into?
LOL Roy is so damn funny! still lol from this one! It just keeps getting better and better! Please update asap Lucky! I'm begging you! I'm dieing to read the next chapter! laugh.gif
go Lucky!!!!

*steals a cornmuffin*

ah the first thing i've had to eat all day thanks to mad rush finishing costumes for this weekend's con... biggrin.gif Thanks!!!!

Update soon please, i really like this!
Didn't they already make an episode about this? o.o ... ::Snatches muffin and gobbles it::

There is some oocness, not, mind you, that it is a major problem running in this story (I have seen and sporked far worse cases) but things such as Roy's anxiety, and desperateness, considering that the Lieutenant whining about women is not something severe, nor is it very new, are a bit out of place, even in a comedy.

This... in't gonna be Havoc x OC, is it? <<;;...>>;;

Make it Havoc x Fuery. :: Puppy eyes ::
please please update soon!!! Roy is soo freakin desperate, wonder how the girl would be like..he he..
@Toby-Chan: Was there an ep about his? I don't know, haven't seen the whole series yet. And, yes, OOCness. I know. I don't really care at this point, though. I'm writing this fic because I got bored. Thanks for the advice, though. I should really work on that.
@everyone else: Thank you so much! ^^

Chappy Four

Six days after setting up the date between Jean and Aideen, Roy had no choice but to tell him. To his surprise, Jean was absoloutely ecstatic.

"Thank you so much, Mustang!" he shrieked, tears of joy streaming down his face. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to this place!!"

Roy's mouth curled into a broad grin. "I know," he said smugly.

Riza's eye twitched. Men, she thought savagely. "Havoc," she said sharply.

"Huh?" Jean jerked his head in her direction.

"Since your date is tomorrow, the Colonel and I wanted to help you get ready. You need to look your best." Riza informed him.

"I can dress myself!" objected Jean.

"I'm sure you can," she told him. "But we can do it better."

This was step two of Roy's plan. Jean was a total slob around the office, so he probably wasn't any better at home. They were going to do the whole shabang- everything from clothes he wore to the mouthwash he used before he left the next day. Rest assured, all would end well.

The threesome left HQ early that day and took Roy's car to the apartment Jean lived in. The moment Riza entered the room, she saw that it was a complete disaster. Dirty clothes lay everywhere, and cans of soda and beer littered the carpet. Riza closed her eyes and took a deep breath. They really had their work cut out for them. This job wasn't getting any easier.

* * *
It took four and a half hours of sweat and frustration to clean and organize the apartment, but finally they had it decently clean. The clothes were neatly folded and stored in hampers, the countertop had been polished, and the whole place had been dusted thoroughly. Riza had even chosen an outfit for Jean. He was to wear a brown leather jacket over a long-sleeved white shirt and a clean pair of jeans. The outfit was sensible and stylish at the same time. Indeed, Riza was quite proud of herself. They had accomplished quite a lot.

Roy lounged on the couch, yawning. He pulled the silver watch out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Ten thirty," he announced. "I should be going now."

"That's a good idea," said Riza, stretching her arms. She stood up and brushed off her shirt. "I'm going to leave, too. Goodnight."

"G'night," said Jean. "Thanks again for helping out."

"No problem," said Roy. Riza nodded in agreement before pulling on her coat and exiting the room.

Today had been difficult, but tomorrow brought the real challenge. Tomorrow they took on Aideen.
That was good. Sorry for not revewing...I've been busy thinking of my own story right now, which needs to be desperatly updated.... blink.gif Any who, great chapters! Please update again soon! -steals all the corn muffins, and replaces them with m00fins- Heh, heh, heh...... ph34r.gif
I love Havoc so much. I'd date him myself, damn it. Well written, very very well written, Lucky. More soon, or else, sis ;D
Ymsg took the words right out of my mouth, Lucky! The fic is going very well, and is absolutely fantastic so far! But Chapter 4 was to damn short! Please update Lucky! PLEASE!!! or else... *evil grin...* tongue.gif J/K sis, do your best! I'll be looking forward to reading the next Chapter! laugh.gif
Lucky this is hilairious please kleep writing it I absolutely love it. !!!
foolmetal alchemist
Keep going Lucky!!! I love your fic!
Fayth Prophecy
I loved it. It's so funny!!! but i think it would be better if it were HavocxFuery.
Ah, the last chapter of a very short fic. It was actually very fun writing this. I'll need to start writing crackfics soon. *ponders the idea* Anyway, you Royai supporters are going to love me today. Although people will kill me because of the OOCness of it all. Ah, well.
Chapta Five!

"Here, here, and here."

Riza swiftly plucked the cigarette out of Jean's mouth, stuffed a mint in, and shoved a bunch of flowers into his hand.

They were seated in the back of a car, Riza putting the final touches on Jean while Roy drove. Riza leaned back and admired her handiwork. Jean looked great. She had even got him to slick his hair back. "Perfect," she told him.

However, he didn't seem to be reassured. His hands were sweating slightly while his brown eyes widened nervously. It wasn't like him to be so on edge, but obviously being put together with someone Roy, of all people, had chosen, made him a little panicky.

In no time they had arrived at the train station. Roy and Riza got out of the car, but Jean didn't move. "I'll be right there," he siad. "Go ahead. I'll catch up to you in a minute."

Royh nodded and started walking. As they approached the tracks Roy caught sight of someone waving to them. It was a blond-haired girl with large blue eyes. Roy recognized her at once. "Hello, Miss Rockbell," he said, going up to her.

"Hello, sir," said Winry. "This is Aideen Knott." she guestured to the woman standing behind her.

Aideen was beautiful. She was tall and slim, with shoulder-length black hair and dark green eyes. She wore a purple spaghetti-strap top, and, (Roy grinned slightly at this) a tight black miniskirt.

She smiled and turned her emerald gaze on Roy. "Hello, there," she said. "You must be Jean Havoc."

Roy laughed. "No, I'm not. I'm Colonel Roy Mustang."

Aideen moved up to him so that she was only inches away. "That's alright. Tell me, is this Jean guy as hot as you?" she smiled slyly. Roy blushed, too taken aback to say anything. "Why don't we get back on the train. We can go back to my place," Aideen continued, placing a hand on his chest.

Riza's eyes narrowed. She stepped forward and pushed herself between the two. "He's already taken," she snapped.

Aideen frowned at her. "Oh, really?" she said haughtily.

Riza's lip trembled slightly. She whirled around to face Roy, and she grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down. Then she kissed him full on the mouth. Roy's eyes nearly popped out of his head, but he made no move to back away. Riza wrapped her free arm around him. After several long seconds they broke apart, both breathing hard.

"Wow," gasped Roy.

Aideen sniffed. "So where is my date, anyway?"

"I'm here!" called a voice. Havoc came jogging over. His face brightened when he saw Aideen. His eyes flashed up and down. A thin trickle of blood leaked out of his nose at the sight of the miniskirt. Aideen's smile returned. "Hey, you are cute," she said.

Jean's face flushed. "Here," he said, holding out the bunch of roses. Aideen took them. "Thank you! They're beautiful."

They both just stood for a moment, staring at each other. "Well then!" said Roy cheerfully, straightening his tie. "Let's get a move on!"
* * *

The date was a total success. Jean and Aideen talked and laughed throughout their dinner while Roy, Riza, and Winry sat a few tables away.

Roy's grin was so wide that the corners of his mouth were nearly touching his eyes.

"Smug bastard," grumbled Riza, but she was grinning as well.

After dinner Jean and Aideen declined a ride back. "We're walking back to my apartment for dessert," he told Roy with a wink.

All in all, it had been an excellent evening. Roy was feeling particularly proud of himself. He had finally accomplished his goal. "Hey, Hawkeye," he said suddenly.

"What?" she asked.

"Did you really mean it when you said I was taken?" said Roy, his grin growing even wider.

Riza's eyes widened in surprise. Her cheeks turned a brilliant shade of pink. "No," she said firmly, and stalked away, leaving a slightly dissapointed Roy behind her.

Two weeks later...

The afternoon found Roy, Riza, Fuery, Falman, and Breda all sitting the East HQ loung, dying of boredom.

Fuery and Breda were both snoring, their heads resting on the table. Falman sat very still, staring off into space. Roy's head was in his hands again, and Riza was grinding her teeth.

Havoc and Maes Hughes were seated near the door, both holding up photographs.

"Look at Elysia," gushed Hughes. "Here, in this one she's posing with the neighbor's new puppy...!"

"Isn't Aideen gorgeous?" Jean crooned. "Just look at those eyes!"

Roy folded his arms on the table and buried his face in them. He had created a monster. Havoc was a regular Hughes clone! So much for his spectacular plan. Apparently some habits, particularly annoyance, were just too hard to break.

a terrific finish luck
! write anothter like this I really enjoyed reading it. Riza kissing roy that was sweet Thank you for putting that in (royXriza forever!)
AWWWWWW That was awesome !!! and I don't care about OOC-ness in Riza ^^;; I LOVED THAT!!!

Lol The ending was terrific, Havok x Aideen ^^;; Havok = Hughes' clone xD
That was a completely awesome ending Lucky! And it caught me totally be suprise! lmao Havoc and Hughes just about killed me! laugh.gif And Riza's suprise kiss was great! biggrin.gif *two thumbs up and a high five for Lucky* I loved it to pieces, and I'm dieing to read some more of your fics! There wonderful! smile.gif
*bows* Thanks, ya'll. ^^
Fayth Prophecy
i luved the ending!! i have an idea for a fic...but i'll keep it to myself.
OMG, that was absolutely hilarious!!
Kai- The Bullet Alchemist-
Well, I must say... It was interesting. I enjoyed the five minutes I dedicated to reading it.
Yeah. Short, ain't it? I is too lazy to be detailed and write good things. I should work on that. *thinks* Nah. Takes too much effort.

*toys with her pencil* I was thinking of writing an alternate ending for all you Havoc x Fuery fans. Whadaya think?
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