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Hey! With some persuasion from Hagane_no_Tokage, I decided to join up and post my crack!fics on here... all of them are one-shot, some are crossovers. I hope you enjoy them!

The first of the set spawned from the "infamous" Hughes's Clues comic I drew a couple months back... here's a link (spoilers for episode 25)

This eventually lead to this:
IPB Image

Which eventually led to this drabble, which contains no spoilers for the series. XD I hope you enjoy my crack.


The soft patter of rain on the window was a bit of a comfort to the exhausted Roy Mustang, who sat silently behind his desk scribbling his signature on the last few pieces of paperwork he had to read before heading back home. Not that he was at all eager to leave his newly-refurbished office.

Due to his recent promotion, the higher-ups had been kind enough to buy him an entire set of new office furniture for him; he was shocked to see that the majority of it could talk. He had carried out a few deep conversations with his lamp, sidetable drawer, and his *seemingly unnecessery* Salt and Pepper shakers. However, there was ONE piece of furniture that always seemed to evade his irresistable charm... that being...

His "Thinking Chair".

Roy had been undeniably attracted to it when he had first seen such a grand display of craftsmanship... from it's large, comfortable seat to it's soft velvet armrests and cushion, he had found himself many a time staring at it desirably.

Now, as he stood from his stiff office chair, cracking his back, and unbuttoning his military jacket, he couldn't help but feel the chair's eyes on him. He glanced over at it, muttering, "Hey..."


"Oh, stop... you know how I get when you talk dirty to me."

Another long pause.

"I'm so glad you're starting to feel the same way I do. Come here, chair. Let's see what you've got under those cushions..."

I think Roy went crazy because the chair was eluding his pheromones. Of course... it's a chair. Maybe he was having bad luck with the ladies?
baaahahahah!! bokkun, luv, i'm soooo glad you're posting these here. this forum could use a few more good crack writers. you should chat with toby-chan i bet you two would get along swimmingly.
Hey Riza! I'll keep my eye out for her. ;P

I return, and with another crack!fic! All the fics that I'm going to post are pretty much request stories on a LiveJournal meme that I did, and everyone seemed to take a liking to my writing crack.

Pairing #2! Ed/Mongoose!

The first icon in my signature is a drawing the requester did for me after I wrote this story... I'm glad SHE liked it. XDD I hope you find it tolerable; I was actually thinking of writing a sequel. XD

Edward raised a questioning eyebrow at the small, fuzzy creature that had been shoved in his face by an entirely too enthusiastic Fuery.

"What is it?" he asked. Fuery grinned widely.
"It's a mongoose!" He said proudly. "I saw it outside the office... it had a hurt leg, so I took it in... but the nurse is out for a while. Could you help me bandage this little guy up for me?" Edward's eyebrow quirked.

"WHO DID YOU SAY WAS SO SMALL THEY COULD SERVE AS A PERFECT NURSE TO A MONGOOSE?!" He shouted angrily. Fuery drew back, appauled at Ed's reaction.

"I was just going to say, I was just asked by Havoc to assist him with some of the newer recuits... could you please take care of him for a little bit?"

Edward snorted and looked away, disgusted. When his comerade didn't give up, he shot him a nasty look, but even this did not scare away the adorkable soldier. After a moment, Edward heaved a sigh and held out his hands to accept the small, snake-eating beast. He never could say no to those big brown eyes of Fuery's.

Mumbling things to himself after Fuery had hurriedly run off to help Havoc, Edward started to bandage the little animal. It stared at him with large, interested eyes; Ed patted it's head lightly after he finished.

"There you go," he said, leaning back in his chair, looking down at the small creature in his lap. "Don't go messing yourself up again, I won't fix it next time." The Mongoose cocked its head curiously, listening intently. After a moment, it leapt up onto his chest and licked Ed's nose.

Ed made a rather undignified squawk at this forward display of affection and looked around to make sure no one had seen it. He sighed and stroked the little beast.

"Well, maybe I'll help you out next time...."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That was awesome!! The Roy/Thinking Chair one is awesome. I like the comic, too. ^^
QUOTE(Bokkuns_BlackRose @ May 27 2005, 01:42 PM)
Hey Riza!  I'll keep my eye out for her.  ;P

Ha, too late, bizzatch! I already dun kept my eye out for you, so there! You've been eyeballed!


Um, by the way; Nice crack.


That sounded like an awful pickup line. XD
QUOTE(Toby-Chan @ May 27 2005, 08:08 PM)
Ha, too late, bizzatch!  I already dun kept my eye out for you, so there!  You've been eyeballed!



XD Nice to meet you, and thanks for the... "compliment"?
BAAHAHAHAHAH!!! i'm sure you two are going to be great crack buddies.

...oh, gawd that sounds wrong... *facepalm*
My next request drabble was... OMFG... Tsume/Ed (you know, the grey wolf from Wolf's Rain? ;_; ). Needless to say, this was a bit of a challenge... and I have NO idea how it came out to be a serious fiction. In any case, enjoy.

"Well," Ed muttered bitterly to himself, shivering violently as he marched through the snow. "Isn't this just perfect..."

He had been on a train heading to Munich from St. Petersburg, and somehow the train had been de-railed during a horrid blizzard. Ed had been thrown from the wreckage as it flipped, and by some miracle, avoided injury; he had only been knocked out for a short time.

The ground was littered with bodies when he awoke, all of them dead. Being the lone survivor, Ed had almost thought of himself as fortunate... but now, as he trudged through the deep snow wrapped up in clothing stolen from the dead, he began to reconsider. Better to die quickly than slowly freeze to death in this barren wasteland.

He couldn't feel his face anymore... How long had he been walking? It had seemed like he left the wreckage decades ago. His vision began to blur and he tried desperately to blink them back into focus while he forced his numbing legs to work in the foot-high snow.

After only a few more steps, his frozen automail-leg gave out and he let loose a grunt of defeat as he plummeted into the snow. So ends the epic battle of man versus nature, he thought with a small, bitter smile. Just as he let consciousness slip away, he heard a nearby howl ring out over the whipping wind.

* * *

The first thing he realized was that his head hurt like a mother.

The second was that he was alive.

He took a deep breath in, partially relieved, but also confused as to who had saved him. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked, trying to get his eyes to focus. In his groggy state, he thought he saw two wolven silhouettes in the dark, but as he blinked again, they gave way to more human shapes; a young rusty-haired boy and a muscled unconscious man lying against the far wall of the cave he had been dragged into during his "nap."

Edward attempted to bring himself into a sitting position and was alarmed to find that his right arm was completely useless. When he managed to sit up, he shot the arm a dirty glance, as though it had betrayed him for giving out in sub-zero temperatures.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're all right!"

Edward looked up to who appeared to be his rescuer, the young auburn-haired boy that had been attending to the other man in the corner.

"W-Who are you?" Edward asked, trying to keep his teeth from chattering. The boy gave him a warm smile and said in his very soothing voice, "I'm Toboe, and that over there is Tsume." His smile melted away to a look of worry. "He's not doing so well, though... I just got him to sleep, and we got separated from our other friends. I found you when I was out scouting for them." Edward raised a dubious eyebrow.

"What are you guys doing out here in the middle of nowhere during a blizzard?" he asked. Toboe glanced around nervously.

"It's... a long story," he said hurriedly. "Well, anyway... I still have to go looking for them. Would you mind just keeping an eye on him for me?" The boy nodded towards the unconcious man. Edward still wanted answers, but he could see that the boy was not willing to give them to him. He nodded slowly and watched Toboe run out into the snow after saying a hurried "Thank you". Heaving a frustrated sigh, Edward pulled his jackets closer around him and leaned heavily against the wall, keeping a wary eye on the other man.

* * *

"Toboe..." The soft voice startled him out of his light doze. "Toboe, are you there...?"

Edward didn't respond; he wasn't sure how "Tsume" would react to a total stranger; he didn't look like the friendly type.

"I can hear you breathing, Toboe." His voice became thick with annoyance. "Where the hell are we? After I couldn't see, all I remember is falling... What happened?"

Snow blindness? Edward thought, struggling to his feet and dragging along his useless automail leg as he walked over to Tsume. He saw blood on the face of the blind man; Edward would guess he'd broken his nose.

The sightless amber eyes widened slightly in alarm. "Toboe, what did you do?"
"Relax," Edward said finally, softening his voice to match the tone of Tsume's missing companion. He sat down next to the injured man and said, "I'm fine. We're somewhere in a cave... it looks like you've got snow blindness and a broken nose-"

"I could've told you that!" Tsume snapped. "I can't smell a damn thing... Stupid pup."

Pup? An odd choice of words.

"-I'd guess you've got a broken leg as well," Edward finished, wincing at the slightly malformed limb that lay next to him. Tsume snorted slightly and slid down onto his side. "You've been talking with the humans again," he said. "I can tell."

"Don't play dumb with me, kid," Tsume said. "I know you have."
Edward blinked and the silver-haired man he had just been talking to was suddenly a wolf, looking even more battered and bruised than in "human" form. He yelped in surprise and scooted away from the now-wolf. The Wolf opened it's eye and asked angrily, "What?"

"N-Nothing!" Edward stammered in shock. "You... just look worse this way."

THAT'S a way of putting it!
Edward reached out and touched the wolf with a bare hand to make sure it was real, and realized the wolven body was extremely hot.

"You've got a fever," Edward said softly.

"Yeah, I know," Tsume murmured sarcastically before muttering something about how cold it was.

Taking pity on the poor.... "animal", Edward slid onto his side and snuggled up to the wolf. He gasped and barked out, "What are you doing?!" Tsume tried to move, but his body was too worn out.

"You must be cold..."

A long pause...

A tan, muscular human arm wrapped around him and pulled him a little closer.

"Yeah... I am."

So concrit is appreciated... XDD I need to know if I'm halfway decent as a normal writer, too... or if I should just stick to crack. I've got a few more works up my sleeve, and a Havoc 100 themes on the way.

Along with sequals to my first two crack!fics, once I write them. XD
It probably would have been better if I'd ever seen Wolf's Rain, but it was pretty good all the same. about EdxVASH???
Ed x Tsume .. O.o .. It's good though, but I've only seen one epi of Wolf's Rain.. LoL

If you've watched Inuyasha... try doing Ed x one of Inuyasha's characters?? (Sesshoumaru maybe)??
Hey, this is Bokkun... I'm at school and too lazy to log in.

I actually started writing an Ed/Vash yesterday while I was checking the forum at a friends house; unfortunately, a pop up came in the window of the computer and it wiped out everything that I had written. I think fate's telling me not to write anything. XD (I came to school this morning and all the stories I had written for our newspaper were completely wiped from the harddrive. I'm going to kill someone)

I'll work on Ed/Sesshomaru, too... and I'll try and re-write the Ed/Vash. Feel free to keep requesting; I like the "exercise". >D

Poor Ed. He's just an uber-uke. Better not let Winry know. XD

Of course, she'd prolly be the seme in THAT relationship anyway, with the way she lugs that wrench around...

Okay, so this next one was for a fellow Final Fantasy XI player, and she wanted a story about two gay elvaans. And, for those of you who don't know, San d'Oria is a city ALL about religion.... and that's where the Elvaan race is from. For those of you who said it couldn't be done (which was none of you XD), I now bring you the FFXI crackfic! I'm very sorry for those of you who don't understand the locales and miscellaneous information... I used to be a big FFXI nerd (LEVEL 32 BARD, BABY), so...

Today was a special day for the Elvaan Magriffon, a tall, strong warrior who had just come back from his endless travels across VanaD'iel to visit a VERY good friend of his... And today was the day he would propose to that person. It was the first night of the second annual Summerfest... and also the first anniversary of the day they had met. Magriffon waited patiently in front of the Temple of the Goddess in San d'Oria, the bishop going over the marriage rites silently as Magriffon smiled at the ring he had so carefully chosen for his partner.


The soft voice of his love rang out from above the crowd like music. He spotted the slender silhouette as it neared him, and was breathless at the sight of his old friend once they had stepped into the light.

"ICryWhenIPoop!" Magriffon cried out, his eyes brimming with tears. "I can't believe how long it's been!" Quickly, he wrapped his companion in a warm embrace.

ICryWhenIPoop had matured so much since the last time they had seen each other, all those months ago... And...

ICryWhenIPoop was also male, much to the bishop's shock and horror.

"ICry, will you marry me?" Magriffon asked softly.
"Oh no!" The bishop shouted. "Altana does NOT wish this to be! I cannot take part in this ceremony!"

Magriffon turned to his teary-eyed lover, his jaw set in a determined scowl.

"Come, ICryWhenIPoop! We mustn't let the church get the best of us! We shall wear purple triangles and rainbows and stand before the church in a nonviolent protest!"

It's kinda crappy, yes... XDD but who cares? It's a retarded fiction that I didn't REALLY wanna write anyway. And OMFG, there IS a character named "ICryWhenIPoop"! It was some person's mule, and they were sitting out in the street and were nekkid and selling things. I laughed my ass off when I first saw it.

I keep humoring the idea of creating an in-character photo journal for my character on FFXI... unfortunately, I have lost pretty much all interest I had in the game, so that wondrous idea is kinda scrapped. Plus, my character would look kinda slutty, since I'm always flirting with Elvaans... ALL THE TIME.
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