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I did it. And I am unashamed. ^__^

Yes, I drew these pairings; not just thought them up.

My hat has a mind of it's own. >.>;; And it's smarter than me.

Okie dokie! Crack, conspiracies, shounen/shoujo ai, sailor fuku, and silly man-fanservice!

El Wheee!

Central Scramble

Roy leaned back in his chair pensively, gazing over the various papers in his hands, before finally smirking with satisfaction and set them back upon his desk. He folded his fingers together, conspiring megalowmaniac style, and peered over his little finger steeple of doom with an admittedly impressive smirk.

"So, do you suppose this could really work? Am I honestly benefitting from this plan of yours?"

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" Came the giggle from behind a splayed japanese fan, which was nearly as impressive of a smug-superiorist-image tool as was Roy's hand placement. The colonel decided to position his right foot upon his left knee to give more of an important posture. One can never be too careful when trying to assert his superiority.

"I believe you'll find all the plans flawless. With my academic expertise, there's no way we can lose. It's perfect." His guest snapped back his fan to reveal a jovially grinning young face. He wasn't quite as commanding in appearance as the colonel whilst wearing his boyish grin, yet the evil mastermind aura behind it was keeping the flame alchemist on the subconscious gaurd.

In spite of the uneasy competition in the air, Roy definitely liked this guy. Of course, having only met him about a half an hour ago didn't count for much in the trust department, but their minds had instantly clicked upon their meeting, and in no time, the Flame Alchemist's office was thick with the pungent air of a conspiracy brewing.

"It seems so simple... yet I wonder why I never thought of it before. Recruiting high school girls into the military..."

"Yes indeed. Nobody will suspect the strength you can muster. They seem so innocent, but few people know that teenaged girls hold the keys to most aspects of the world. Capturing their interest is instant success. Why else do you think I'd write these romance novels?" The man in the guest chair displayed a set of pastel colored novels with the charisma of a seasoned salesman. Not only did the impressive confidence intimidate Roy, but he squirmed a little, reminding himself that he had actually accidentally enjoyed that series and was currently itching to know whether Fujiko and Kosuke would really find true love in the end. He coughed and continued,

"Well, that's all just fine. But are you certain we can make the recruiting subtle and swift enough to be effective?"

"No problem there. I've already manipulated documents, and slipped copies of the propaganda letters into all the popular magazines. You'll have lovely young soldiers knocking at your door in no time. They'll be able to help you climb your way to the top."

"Well, that's excellent. But more importantly... I'm fascinated by these uniform designs you've presented."

"Oh, do you like them? Yes, I sketched them myself, you see. Based upon the uniforms of some local high schools, blended into one super-outfit with my superior artistic techniques!" The green yukata clad man struck a pose which made his ego appear at least five sizes larger. Roy was rather reminded of Armstrong, sans the sparkles... and the obscene amount of muscles... and the semi-nudist tendencies.

He got up from his chair, remembering to retain his greater-than-thou smirk all the while, and approached his clever guest.

"I suppose we have a deal. But I don't believe you will be able to go unnoticed in that- that... getup." Roy guestured to the novelist's... interesting attire.

"I'm already one step ahead of you. While I do hold true to the theory that a novelist cannot be without a kimono and a pen, I am always prepared to go incognito. If I may show you." He materialized a photograph from his pocket, a dashing image of the juvenile author in a crisp black suit.

'Damn, this guy looks good in a suit. I'd better watch my back.' Roy unconsiously pulled on his collar.

"In that case, I will cooperate with you. I look forward to working with you, Mister Sohma." Roy had no sooner shaken the man's hand than a loud crash signaled the breaking of his office door.

"Stop right there, Colonel!" The familiar and frightening voice of Hawkeye commanded.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!" Roy half squeaked, trying to maintain his wits about him, as much as a person can when confronted with a pissed Hawkeye's gun, and the remnants of a broken door.

"That's Brigadier General Hawkeye to you, Colonel. I'm giving orders now, and I'm here to stop this little coup of yours before it gets any further." Roy absently noted how lovely the barrel of a gun could be when you believed it might be the last one you ever see, when he noticed her companion, arms folded, and wielding a lead pipe.

"Brigadi- how did- ... who is she?"

"Arisa Uotani. Nice to meet you, sir. And she's brigadier general now because we uncovered this little hairbrained scheme Shigure has been plotting for months, and so we decided to climb before you did so we could overpower you. Just through good old fashioned physical threats and all that stuff. Girl power!" The blonde flexed and grinned.

"Th-that's all very nice, but... Shigure, you mean to tell me you've been planning this for months? And Hawkeye, why didn't you help me climb the ranks that fast before?"

Hawkeye cooly shrugged without lowering her gunpoint, "Didn't have an Uo before."

Well, that made sense.

The novelist watched the spectacle, frozen with fear, but still with his goofy super deformed grin plastered to his face. The younger blonde approached him, patting the pipe against her palm threateningly.

"You just couldn't keep the perviness to yourself, could ya, Sohma?"

"N-now, Arisa- m-miss Uotani... there's no need looking at me like that. After all, I'm just- just- OH, LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" He pointed behind her shoulder.

Now, in most situations, there would have been no reason for a relatively sensible girl such as Uo to fall for such a comically ridiculous trick, but incidentally, there was a smash, and she turned to see what was going on, allowing the novelist to dive beneath a couch cushion and cower.

"Was that good?" A woman's sultry voice asked.

"Yes," replied a mellow teenage girl, "I believe that is a splendid entrance. Very nice job at breaking that light." The two figures stepped through the doorway across the shards of broken glass.

"Hanajima?" The gangster girl asked inquisitively, "What the heck was that for?"

"I wanted to make a decent announcement of our arrival. And seeing as you'd already broken the door, I didn't want us to be outdone."

"'Us', eh? Who've you got there?" The yankee guestured toward the black clad woman who was holding Hana's hand, and brandishing her talons with the other hand.

"This is Lust," Stated the gothic girl matter-of-factly, "She is one of the homunculi, and she has some of the most fascinating denpa waves I have ever sensed."

Roy made a face that indicated that this had to be one of the oddest statements he'd ever heard (Outside of some odd quips originating from Hughes' drinking parties back in college, but we shant get into those.)

Hana sensed the utter confusion coming from the Colonel, and decided to put things more plainly.

"We have a deep understanding of each other, you see. Lust, in spite of what you judging fools may believe, is simply misunderstood. She just wants to love and be loved, and understanding that, I have indulged her. So, yes, Mister Roy Mustang, we are indeed an 'item' now. I'm certain you don't have a problem with that."

The yankee girl placed her hands on her hips and laughed heartily,

"No, way, girl. More power to ya!" She made an enthusiastic fist.

Roy got the sinking feeling that he was being drowned in estrogen, and for once, it wasn't a good thing.

"Well speaking of power," Lust spoke up, "As a team, we've realized we've become more powerful than ever. More powerful in fact, than, -forgive me Riza darling-, than Hawkeye and Uo-Chan themselves. We've already staged and carried out a successful coup, and with our denpa-talon combination powers, we have already taken over the entire military."

Roy's jaw dropped to the floor. It had taken years of blood sweat and tears for him to make it this far, and now what? His coveted position was being usurped by a pair of violent gothic lesbians? What was the world coming to?

"Well, that takes care of that. Now, on the topic of what to do with these guys," Hawkeye guestured to the two solitary males in the room who were now completely petrified and a little bit intrigued.

Hana shot a slicing glare in Shigure's direction,

"And no, Mister Shigure, you may not 'watch'."

Lust rolled her eyes,

"Men," She scoffed.

Uo twisted her lip curiously as she came upon the stack of papers on the colonel's desk, and flipped to his rather fascinating fashion sketches.

"Well, since they seem to like sailor fuku so much, I think I have an idea..."

It was bad enough that they were exploited as the uber sexy cross-dressing mascots of the military in propaganda for the teenage audience, but really, using a yaoi appeal as well? That was just cruel.

*crawls in a corner to die of happiness*

I have said this before and I will say it again...I never tire of your twisted ficcage!! This was even better than the Legolas/Ed fic! Girl, you kill me!! XD

Oh, please, may the hat give us more! biggrin.gif

best line evar. laugh.gif that and the "pungent air of a conspiracy brewing" bit. and the thought of roy and shigure teaming up is almost as frightening as the thought of hawkeye and uo-chan teaming up is. you're an awesome writer. i'm looking forward to the next installment of the Crack in the Hat muchly. biggrin.gif
Phyco girl
I love all your fics and that hat of yours is as brilliant as you are!

I can't wait for the next hat fic tongue.gif
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