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Ah. Pure unadulturated, shameless crack. <333

If you're unfamiliar with my random pairing hat... how fortunate for you. happy.gif We added a 'Legolas' paper to the drawing.

Don't ask me why... we just did.

I scare myself sometimes, y'know?

(Spoilers for the end. Yah, yah)

Tramps like us

He was underaged, and quite obviously so, which is why, as he approached the bar, he irritatedly waved his hand as if to sweep the bartender's apprehension away as he spoke,

"Just coffee for me," and slumped down upon the torn vinyl cushion of the stool.

It occured to the bartender to warn him that coffee might stunt his growth, but there was something he could read in the boy's venomous glance that such a comment just may result in his one or more missing appendage.

This particular bartender (The name was Phil, thank you very much for asking, since you all obviously care so much about his name) had a particular talent for reading people and understanding their problems, which all began in his tragic childhood with his kindly mother, but then, nobody wants to hear about that, now, do they? Nooo, no character development for the forgotten, nameless bartender (Yes, he's nameless now, because we've clearly all forgotten 'Phil' out of our apathy for this background character).

He smiled sympathetically at the blonde boy who was clearly having the greatest case of male PMS in history, and turned to fix him some coffee. His inborn fatherly sense of duty to nourish (Once again, a detail uncared for, much to the misfortune of all of you who may never have the pleasure of knowing such a kindly person, you apathetic bastards!) gave him the idea to mix some milk in with the boy's coffee, which he began doing, just as coincidentally, the teen called,

"No milk in there, 'kay?" Phil jerked, a little, but kept pouring casually, and hid the carton as he brought out the mug for his pint sized customer.

"I just put a little non-dairy creamer in there," he lied. It wasn't within his policy to lie to the customer, but his instincts told him that this boy was alone in the world and without parental figures to give him proper nutrition, and dammitt, if this kid was ever going to get some calcium, it might as well be now. (Ah, Phil. Sweet Phil. Sweet, sensitive, loving Phil.)

The blond considered the muddy looking brew rather disgustedly, before deciding to hastily down it anyway to calm his jumpy nerves.

It was sensible to be tense, what with all he'd been through. One way through the gate was a hell of a way to travel, but it hadn't ever occured to him that the gate wasn't just a link between two worlds, but a plethora of other every-which way dimensions up until he'd harnessed the power of gate travel and consquently had his guts scrambled in every unpleasant way possible as he got knocked from door to door like a hapless pinball, stopping at some worlds, and then moving on again before he finally got sick of the interdemensional upchucking and stopped for a break in this relatively normal looking dimension, where he was able to sit and relax for a drink with bartender whats-his-name.

He was more than a little unnerved. After all, he'd seen many, many unpleasant things...

"Still dosen't seem to be doing a thing," A voice several feet down the bar to his left commented primly, it's owner discarding what appeared to be his fiftieth shot glass with grace, "Are you sure this alchohol is working?"

"I'll tell you, it's been working since the beginning," Phil commented, "Since your first shot you've been rambling about 'internets' and 'fangirls' and all that nonsense."

Edward's ears perked up at this. "Internet"? "Fangirls"? Could it be?...

"But I'm telling you, it's the honest truth." The man, a traveller in odd clothes who appeared to be in his twenties, spoke sensibly, seriously with a proper accent that would have you expecting to see tea rather than vodka in front of him. Phil just smiled good naturedly and indulged the customer upon his request with yet another glass. Ed was intrigued.

"Oy!" He called casually towards the drinker beside him, who paid him no response, so he spoke louder, "Oooooy!" Still no response. He didn't especially feel like standing up again, plus, there was the fact that the butt of his leather pants was sticking helplessly to the vinyl seat cover, so he gripped the legs of the stool and used momentum to scoot-hop over to his left and lurch to a halt beside the still-not-innebriated-but-apparently-deaf Mister Fancy pants, and give him a miffed greeting punch on the shoulder.

"Hey! You'd think you'd hear me with those big ears of yours," Ed scowled, upset, but not waiting to beat around the bush, "What was this about that crap you were talking about? Where're you from?"

"I'll have you know, I am prince Legolas of Mirkwood, Middle Earth, and that was my arm you just punched."

"Yeah, whatever, Prince pansy. What's this Middle Earth now?"

"It's Middle Earth. The only one there is. Why must it be so difficult to explain this to everyone?" The indicated Prince Pansy had taken grip of his silky long blond hair and was yanking at it frustratedly, before he remembered that he wasn't supposed to damage the roots, and patted it down again. He coughed and continued, "I'm not quite sure how I ended up here. I was on my way to the Gray Havens, when I collided with some great door, and I wound up in several strange lands before finally ending up here."

Edward just pretended to know what Gray Havens were and nodded.

"And I'm telling you, the creator of this universe has some sick sense of humor my friend. In some of these worlds, they know about me, only it's not me. Well, you see, they know about myself, and all of my comrades as though we were... fictional characters. And on this confounded internet thing, which I will not even attempt to explain, mind you, they write disgusting works of literature featuring us."

The shorter visitor gasped, and realized where he thought he knew this guy from.

"Fanfiction..." He gaped, a little incredulous that someone else of his same predicament even existed, let alone happened to be sitting at the same bar as he.

"You know it?" Legolas asked, stunned.

"Yeah, and I think I know you. You're the pansyish slut of your group who's obsessed with your hair,"

"I most certainly am not!" Legolas declared proudly, "... although I wouldn't mind having a personal stylist like in that one story... NO! That's beside the point! I am a proud prince of woodland Elves! I will not stand for such disgrace to my name. And I most certainly am not a slut."

"Well neither am I, but tell that to the yaoi fangirls," Ed muttered, leaning on his fist and taking a sip from his coffee.

"Yaoi?" the prince asked, befuddledly.

"It's Japanese. The term they use for slash. Apparently, they all think it's cooler to use Japanese terms."

"Like... fangirl Elvish?" Legolas asked, tentatively.


"So we've both been exploited in the same way."


"And now we both just happen to be here at this bar together, in this world,"

"With Bartender Paul-"

"Phil!" The bartender interjected, a little hurt in his voice, pointing to his nametag.

"Well, anyhow, Fred aside, it's a pretty interesting coincidence, huh?" Ed laughed.

"That it most certainly is."

They settled into a silent pause, interrupted occasionally by unceremonious slurping, rather unsure of how to continue their conversation, considering how little they really knew about eachother, aside from what little they'd heard, and the exploitation they shared in common, which was a rather difficult abuse to discuss.

"So..." Edward began, tapping his finger on the countertop, his eyes dodging around, as he absentmindedly searched his brain for topics to bring up, and he tactlessly brought out the first thought that came to mind, "You really get around don't you?"

Legolas took a spit take with his drink and stuttered, "W-What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm sorry," Ed held his hands up in apology realizing his mistake, "It- It's just that- well.... in the fanfics... well, you know. You're quite a- a- a-..."


"Yeah, that's it. Manwhore. I mean, no-... yes-... I mean... uh- uh" He scratched his head akwardly, "You do it well. That's to say... well... you know- you're good manwhore material... y'know?"

"... well, thanks," Legolas muttered, "I suppose you are too. At least, you do have potential. You have nice hair, at least. That is a good start."

"Thanks." Ed blushed and looked at the bottom of his coffee cup.

"I've been thinking, actually," Legolas mentioned, tracing the brim of one of his glasses with his finger boredly, "About those stories, and stuff, and... well... They're not true, but, it has gotten me to thinking how I haven't had it in a thousand years. And I do get lonely..."

"I know what you mean," Edward lied. He really didn't know what he'd meant, since, screw a thousand years; he hadn't had it ever, but considering how much more slutting around Legolas had done in fanfiction than he had, he wasn't about to let him think that he had more experience than him. After all, he had his pride.

"I know this might be akward..." Legolas said, "But I have seduced hobbits before, or so they say..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HOBBIT?" Ed fumed, but was quickly interupted,

"-And in this world, there are no fangirls to watch and follow us around with their hidden webcams. So, don't you think, after all those stories, that maybe we do need a little lovin'?"

"I guess..."

The prince placed a hand firmly on the alchemist's shoulder.

"Let's go make out." He offered, bluntly, and yet somehow strangely charismatically. The alchemist looked, considered this for a moment, then shrugged.

"Sure. Why not? I got nothing better to do."

So they walked out of the bar, jovially, hand in hand.

"W-wait! You forgot to pay your-"


"-bill..." Phil sighed and gazed at the dirty unpaid-for glasses on the countertop in front of him. He supposed it was all for the best. Even if he couldn't really understand their situations, he was glad that perhaps he was able to help someone make their lives better, and certainly letting some bills slide out of charity would be fine once in a while. He was just a nice guy like that, you see.

And perhaps just being nice would pay pack in it's own way in the long run, through some divine justice...

The lights went out.


(Poor Phil. <333 happy.gif)
Ok, that was good and all, but.........
.......I can't see or get used to Ed...Yaoi?
It was good, I just don't care for Eddo taking part in any slash...
Oh well...noone ever cared what I thought anyways...good work otherwise.... tongue.gif
Saturn Stars
Hahaha! You get used to slash Sweetums. I am strictly EdxWin, but I still enjoyed this very much. You are going to add another chapter right?
QUOTE(Saturn Stars @ Apr 29 2005, 06:42 AM)
Hahaha! You get used to slash Sweetums. I am strictly EdxWin, but I still enjoyed this very much. You are going to add another chapter right?

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr slash sucks my arse!
*giggles like mad*

Toby-chan, Toby-chan...never do I tire of your twisted ficcage! biggrin.gif

Phil was the best. And Legolas really is a manwhore!! XD
Whoa! That is way to disturbing for comfort! Yet very creative..... blink.gif
Good job! Pat yourself on the back tongue.gif
Bunny Hooded Bombchu
I read this on a couple of days ago. I laughed maniacally. Nuff said. laugh.gif
i'm an obsessive roiai fan (who supports edwin but generally dislikes reading it), but i swear, toby, i'm starting to like any pairing you write about. your characters are so IC, and yet so...not. laugh.gif slightly disturbed and looking forward to the next installment of the Crack in the Hat.

(poor legolas! i don't think you're a manwhore. i still love you. ;__; phil too.)
Anyone care to see the cracked up Furuba crossover? laugh.gif

If you haven't already noticed, I'm having waaay too much fun with my crack pairings. Most of the ones that make the least sense end up being my favorites (Like my most recent random drabble; WinryxMartel)

I have no idea how I'm going to pull of GreedxKain. Stupid hat. And yet... it's so ingenious.
Phyco girl
Gotta love the hat Toby!!! I love your twisted little crackfics. Oh how they amuse me laugh.gif !!!

Ah, poor Paul! WE LOVE YOU PAUL!!!!!

Bartender: IT'S PHIL! PHIL I SAY!!! *starts to attack readers*

Me: AHHHH! I'm... sor...ry....

And I gotta say although yaoi generally disturbs me you pull it off my friend. A Furuba and Haragen crossover would be most interesting and I look forward to it.

*puts on an announcer's voice, complete with sound effects and... you get the point* Who will Toby pair up next? Kyo and Ed? Yuki and Winry? Winry and Tohru? Riza and Shigure? We may never know... or will we? Find out in TOBY'S NEXT POST!!! Dum, dum, dummm!!!
interesting.... very well thought out.
...I'm stuck between, laughing because it's funny, crying because it's true, or getting horribly angry because I like Legolas's hair.


*laughs maniacally*
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