Okay, so there was this meme going around LiveJournal, and the meme was to pick a fandom and write a Mary-Sue. The catch is though, you had to be a well-respected writer in order to pull it off (as in, you had proper grammar, in-characterness, non-MarySues, anything that makes a good fic a good fic). Well, I think I'm a pretty good writer (not the best I assure you, but good), so I went and I wrote one.
It took everything I had to make it as choppy as possible and everytime I deliberately put bad grammar, I literally cringed. I read it to my best friend and she said that it was one of the most hilarious things she had ever heard it was so damn terrible! Anyway, I wanted to freak you all out and post it under an Unregistered account, but the forum won't let me, so you all know who I am and yes, I wrote this.
Oh, please, please make sure your reviews are heartless, cruel, anything that would make an Uruk-Hai look huggable (and if you have never seen Lord of the Rings, may God have mercy on your soul). Oh, rip my soul to shreds, I beg thee!
Ed meets a girl with powerful electric alchemy but there is more to her than he thinks.
One day Ed Elric and his brother Alphones was searching for the Philosophers Stone a big red stone that could make alchemy without any costs. As they were searching they ran into this girl. She was a gorgeous girl with bright red hair and large blue eyes that caused any man to look into them to go into a frenzy. She was very skinny and wore a skimpy leather outfit with rip marks in the pants and a top that showed off her round breasts Ed blushed as soon as he saw her. “Wow, she’s hawwwt!” he said to Al. “I wonder what she’s doing here,” Al said.
“Are you Ed?” the girl demanded. “I’m here to fight you!”
“Yes I’m Ed,” Ed answered. “But who are you? Why do you want to fight me?”
“I’m Luna,” she replied and she pulled out a sharp dagger from her thigh. “Fight me Fullmetal!”
The girl, Luna, suddenly came after him with the knife and Ed had no choice but to transmute a lance from the ground…with no transmutation circle! Luna was shocked but he was not the only one who could do that. Suddenly her dagger started to glow and lightning shot from the blade, hitting Ed full force. “You’re a lightning alchemist!” he cried. He was stunned and she looked down at him smugly. “Well your easier than I thought.”
“Don’t count on it sweetie,” Ed shot back with a smirk and his lance came up quickly. Luna barely had time to block it. “Your good. But not good enough.”
They began to fight. Luna was awesome, twisting and turning out of his grasp in all the right times. Ed had to admit that he liked some of the point-of-views he got when looking at her full butt and sexy curves. Soon she was on the ground, looking up at him. “Wow,” she breathed looking up at his bright yellow eyes and long blonde hair. He was so hot. And he was also lying on top of her. Unable to resist she kissed him passionately. And he began kissing her back. Then they were making out right there in the middle of the street.
“I think I love you Ed,” Luna whispered.
“Don’t love me,” Ed said coldly as he got off her and began walking away. Luna stared at him with wide eyes before she began to cry cold bitter tears.
The next day Ed and Al were still in town but this time Winry was there too!!!!! (A/N: Run Ed run!!!!!11) Luna saw the blonde slut walking down the street and she instantly knew that was the one Ed liked. “Hi,” she said to Winry sweetly.
“Hello,” Winry replied. “So you’re the one Ed kissed. I’ll have you know he’s my man!”
“Oh no, my dear, he’s my man and you can’t have him, bitch!”
They began to fight. Of course, Luna won as Winry was too much of a chicken to stand up for herself. She even squealed when Luna’s powerful lightning alchemy came after her. Now Winry was lying on the street, all bloody and bruised and Luna now could go see Ed, her one true love!
She went inside and found Roy Mustang. He was hot, but not as hot as Ed. “Hi,” Luna said shyly. “I’m looking for Ed is he here?”
Mustang looked up at her and instantly felt his face burn. Wow, she was so beautiful! The most beautiful thing he had ever seen! “I’ll take you to him myself,” Mustang said.
She nodded, there was something about Mustang she didn’t like in spite of his hotness. Suddenly he pressed her against the wall and began kissing her! She tried to get out of his grasp, but he was too strong. “Whats going on!?!?!”
Mustang let go of Luna and she stared into the horrified eyes of Ed. “Ed!” she cried, “it’s not what you think!” She tried to reach for him but he pulled away.
“Stay away from me you slut!” he yelled before running off. Luna tried to run after him but he was too fast. She reached the outside but couldn’t find him anywhere. It began to rain.
“Ha ha!” Winry laughed (A/N: GAWD, what a bitch!!!!) evilly. She was still bleeding pretty bad. “You can’t ever have Ed now!” Mustang showed up and began kissing Winry. “We planned it,” Winry said. “So that you can’t steal Ed away from me!”
Luna burst into tears but she had to be strong! Pulling out her dagger with a transmutation circle engraved on the blade, she used her lightning alchemy and fried up Winry and Mustang stopping their laughs. They weren’t dead yet. But she couldn’t think of that right now! She had to find Ed! She had to let him know what was going on!
She found Ed fighting with some guy. He was a military officer! But why were they fighting? At that moment Ed was thrown against the wall and slumped there and the officer pulled out a gun. “NO!” Luna screamed and ran to protect Ed. She jumped in front of him as the gun went off. It hurt but she didn’t yell out in pain. Instead she smiled at Ed as she fell to the ground.
“Luna!” Ed cried, holding her bleeding body in his arms. “Luna don’t die!”
“I…I love you, Ed,” she whispered, running her hand down his face. He kissed her deeply and realized she had to get to a hospital soon. After killing the military officer, he ran as fast as he could. Luna save him, and now it was his turn to save her.
The next day Luna woke up with Ed sitting beside her. “Ed,” she said in surprise. “Why are you here?”
“Al told me everything,” Ed whispered. “Luna, I was a fool. You are the one I love.”
“Oh, Ed” she breathed as he began kissing her. There kiss went deeper and soon he was lying on top of her. Soon their clothes were off and they began doing it (A/N: eeeewww!!). “Faster, Ed,” Luna begged. “Oh, Edward, Edward!!” Then they both came in ecstasy and lay there for a moment, now having realized their love for each other, a love that was deep and pure and would last forever…
…then Ed woke up and realized that he had been hypnotized and it was all just a big fantasy, and the evil Winry in the story was actually a Winry clone, and the horny Mustang had really been drunk and thought Luna was Riza and then thought Winry was Riza because the hair confused him, and Luna is actually nothing more than a figment of the authoress’s imagination whose name happens to be Shardy, and for some reason Shardy undergone this self-torture in deliberately writing this terrible fic (which she is actually quite proud of if she gets enough blood-thirsty reviews) and then Shardy forced Ed to go to Resembool where the REAL Winry proceeded to bitch-slap him with her wrench because that’s the way true love really works and they all lived happily ever after.