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shardypsykoelf
Okay, so there was this meme going around LiveJournal, and the meme was to pick a fandom and write a Mary-Sue. The catch is though, you had to be a well-respected writer in order to pull it off (as in, you had proper grammar, in-characterness, non-MarySues, anything that makes a good fic a good fic). Well, I think I'm a pretty good writer (not the best I assure you, but good), so I went and I wrote one.

...wow.... blink.gif

It took everything I had to make it as choppy as possible and everytime I deliberately put bad grammar, I literally cringed. I read it to my best friend and she said that it was one of the most hilarious things she had ever heard it was so damn terrible! laugh.gif Anyway, I wanted to freak you all out and post it under an Unregistered account, but the forum won't let me, so you all know who I am and yes, I wrote this. unsure.gif

Oh, please, please make sure your reviews are heartless, cruel, anything that would make an Uruk-Hai look huggable (and if you have never seen Lord of the Rings, may God have mercy on your soul). Oh, rip my soul to shreds, I beg thee!

***
Silver Lightning

Ed meets a girl with powerful electric alchemy but there is more to her than he thinks.


One day Ed Elric and his brother Alphones was searching for the Philosophers Stone a big red stone that could make alchemy without any costs. As they were searching they ran into this girl. She was a gorgeous girl with bright red hair and large blue eyes that caused any man to look into them to go into a frenzy. She was very skinny and wore a skimpy leather outfit with rip marks in the pants and a top that showed off her round breasts Ed blushed as soon as he saw her. “Wow, she’s hawwwt!” he said to Al. “I wonder what she’s doing here,” Al said.

“Are you Ed?” the girl demanded. “I’m here to fight you!”

“Yes I’m Ed,” Ed answered. “But who are you? Why do you want to fight me?”

“I’m Luna,” she replied and she pulled out a sharp dagger from her thigh. “Fight me Fullmetal!”

The girl, Luna, suddenly came after him with the knife and Ed had no choice but to transmute a lance from the ground…with no transmutation circle! Luna was shocked but he was not the only one who could do that. Suddenly her dagger started to glow and lightning shot from the blade, hitting Ed full force. “You’re a lightning alchemist!” he cried. He was stunned and she looked down at him smugly. “Well your easier than I thought.”

“Don’t count on it sweetie,” Ed shot back with a smirk and his lance came up quickly. Luna barely had time to block it. “Your good. But not good enough.”

They began to fight. Luna was awesome, twisting and turning out of his grasp in all the right times. Ed had to admit that he liked some of the point-of-views he got when looking at her full butt and sexy curves. Soon she was on the ground, looking up at him. “Wow,” she breathed looking up at his bright yellow eyes and long blonde hair. He was so hot. And he was also lying on top of her. Unable to resist she kissed him passionately. And he began kissing her back. Then they were making out right there in the middle of the street.

“I think I love you Ed,” Luna whispered.

“Don’t love me,” Ed said coldly as he got off her and began walking away. Luna stared at him with wide eyes before she began to cry cold bitter tears.

The next day Ed and Al were still in town but this time Winry was there too!!!!! (A/N: Run Ed run!!!!!11) Luna saw the blonde slut walking down the street and she instantly knew that was the one Ed liked. “Hi,” she said to Winry sweetly.

“Hello,” Winry replied. “So you’re the one Ed kissed. I’ll have you know he’s my man!”

“Oh no, my dear, he’s my man and you can’t have him, bitch!”

They began to fight. Of course, Luna won as Winry was too much of a chicken to stand up for herself. She even squealed when Luna’s powerful lightning alchemy came after her. Now Winry was lying on the street, all bloody and bruised and Luna now could go see Ed, her one true love!

She went inside and found Roy Mustang. He was hot, but not as hot as Ed. “Hi,” Luna said shyly. “I’m looking for Ed is he here?”

Mustang looked up at her and instantly felt his face burn. Wow, she was so beautiful! The most beautiful thing he had ever seen! “I’ll take you to him myself,” Mustang said.

She nodded, there was something about Mustang she didn’t like in spite of his hotness. Suddenly he pressed her against the wall and began kissing her! She tried to get out of his grasp, but he was too strong. “Whats going on!?!?!”

Mustang let go of Luna and she stared into the horrified eyes of Ed. “Ed!” she cried, “it’s not what you think!” She tried to reach for him but he pulled away.

“Stay away from me you slut!” he yelled before running off. Luna tried to run after him but he was too fast. She reached the outside but couldn’t find him anywhere. It began to rain.

“Ha ha!” Winry laughed (A/N: GAWD, what a bitch!!!!) evilly. She was still bleeding pretty bad. “You can’t ever have Ed now!” Mustang showed up and began kissing Winry. “We planned it,” Winry said. “So that you can’t steal Ed away from me!”

Luna burst into tears but she had to be strong! Pulling out her dagger with a transmutation circle engraved on the blade, she used her lightning alchemy and fried up Winry and Mustang stopping their laughs. They weren’t dead yet. But she couldn’t think of that right now! She had to find Ed! She had to let him know what was going on!

She found Ed fighting with some guy. He was a military officer! But why were they fighting? At that moment Ed was thrown against the wall and slumped there and the officer pulled out a gun. “NO!” Luna screamed and ran to protect Ed. She jumped in front of him as the gun went off. It hurt but she didn’t yell out in pain. Instead she smiled at Ed as she fell to the ground.

“Luna!” Ed cried, holding her bleeding body in his arms. “Luna don’t die!”

“I…I love you, Ed,” she whispered, running her hand down his face. He kissed her deeply and realized she had to get to a hospital soon. After killing the military officer, he ran as fast as he could. Luna save him, and now it was his turn to save her.

The next day Luna woke up with Ed sitting beside her. “Ed,” she said in surprise. “Why are you here?”

“Al told me everything,” Ed whispered. “Luna, I was a fool. You are the one I love.”

“Oh, Ed” she breathed as he began kissing her. There kiss went deeper and soon he was lying on top of her. Soon their clothes were off and they began doing it (A/N: eeeewww!!). “Faster, Ed,” Luna begged. “Oh, Edward, Edward!!” Then they both came in ecstasy and lay there for a moment, now having realized their love for each other, a love that was deep and pure and would last forever…


…then Ed woke up and realized that he had been hypnotized and it was all just a big fantasy, and the evil Winry in the story was actually a Winry clone, and the horny Mustang had really been drunk and thought Luna was Riza and then thought Winry was Riza because the hair confused him, and Luna is actually nothing more than a figment of the authoress’s imagination whose name happens to be Shardy, and for some reason Shardy undergone this self-torture in deliberately writing this terrible fic (which she is actually quite proud of if she gets enough blood-thirsty reviews) and then Shardy forced Ed to go to Resembool where the REAL Winry proceeded to bitch-slap him with her wrench because that’s the way true love really works and they all lived happily ever after.

~The End~
Mortari
That was interesting. Really bad, but it was hilarious. laugh.gif I like the last paragraph the best. laugh.gif Good job on being bad! biggrin.gif
Water Achemist
~applauds~That was perfect~Perfectly horrible and hillarious. And wierd.Oh, wait I'm supposed to be telling you how horribly horrible it was. O.k. There you go! It's horrible!
Luckyalchemy27
*laughs* That was pretty amusing. But bad. Wait...you wanted it to be bad. So that would make it good. But then- argh! I'm just confusing myself. Just forget I said anything. Nice job, Shardy.
ed's secret agent
It made me want to vomit. XD I'm kidding. It was really funny.
darkangelslayer
I'm crying it's so funny!!!!!

QUOTE
“Hello,” Winry replied. “So you’re the one Ed kissed. I’ll have you know he’s my man!”

“Oh no, my dear, he’s my man and you can’t have him, bitch!”

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
The last paragraph was the absolute best!
Xithion
Hmm.....we need judges like on American Idol.

I volunteer to be Simon!

*talks in a strange accent* That was as good at Napoleon Dinamite! And thats not saying alot...

Edit: I realized that this sounded really mean so I better put something else. I was not trying to be mean. I was just playing around. Actually, being a guy and reading that...well lets just say that certain thoughts went through my head.
hagane_no_tokage
wow...i'm glad that was bad on purpose cuz uh...yeah...if that had been a serious attempt at fanfiction i would have to shoot you and put you out of everyone's misery... @_@
shardypsykoelf
That's when you go read my other one, My Childhood Playmate, and realize just how opposite this really is. biggrin.gif

@Xith: Darling, I know what you meant. I wanted reviews to be nasty. If they weren't, I wouldn't have done a very good job of making a BAD!fic.
Yukina_Raven
*Dies of laughter* Loved the end where Winry 'bitch-slapped' him with her wrench. This fic was a terribly wonderful. Great job! wink.gif
nekodesu
NEVER WRITE FANFICS EVER AGAIN!!!....just kidding XD but yes...it was quite terrible but it was funny ^^
Hagane no Renzy
*PPFFFFFFT!!!*

*dies*

Oh well. That's what happens when fanfics SUCK. Good job! tongue.gif
Toby-Chan
Well... it's better than my mary-sue parody. >.>;;
Hagane no Renzy
*points at Toby-Chan* STOP RIGHT THERE!!! please. Can I read yours? smile.gif
Sonic-Teal
Lol I was going to put a flame list up, but then I saw it was a joke. I was like wtf shardy I thought you were good, but then I read the forward (I never read forwards) in hope to see if this was a joke, and well I realized it wasent serious. It was hilarious becase it sucked so badly, I could take a peice of crap my dog had on the lawn, wrap it in tin foil, and say it's fan fic and it would be better.

Though good job shardy it made me laugh tongue.gif
Toby-Chan
QUOTE(Hagane no Renzy @ Mar 27 2005, 12:19 PM)
*points at Toby-Chan* STOP RIGHT THERE!!! please. Can I read yours? smile.gif
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::Freeze:: .... ::Pose::

I don't thing I should be talking about myself on someone else's thread, but my parody was really popular on ff.net. I think I just lucked out with the fact that everyone on ff.net at the time ansy and angry about the n00b count. It has 7 chapters, each a different bad-fic imitation.
I'm only proud of, like 2 gags. <.< I need to work on making my parodies, y'know... clever.
Shardy, yours is super cool. It encompasses all the cliche's. Well done.
Hagane no Renzy
...
*shrugs*

Whatever. You can stop freezing now. biggrin.gif
-Kr!zY-
ohmy.gif wtf was that sh*t??!!!!! mad.gif ....nah, just kidding!!! laugh.gif ah, shardy that was funny!...bad, but friggin' funny!!! *falls over laughing*.... tongue.gif um, yeah.. i think i'll definitely stick to your other fic!!!! lol!!!
Phyco girl
BWA HA HA HA! Gawd that was terrible! YAY! I really liked the ending paragraph! I mean I knew it was a joke from the beginning but I was like "Wow, this is such a horrible fanfic I could kill myself!" But you wanted it to be bad so... I SALUTE YOU!!! biggrin.gif
Sonic-Teal
Reading it over again I almost peed myself, speak of the devil I just did. Man that ending is my favorite getting bitch slapped by Winry's wrench aint it true?
Phyco girl
Ah, yes the bitch-slap. RIGHT ON!!! biggrin.gif
Toby-Chan
QUOTE(Hagane no Renzy @ Mar 27 2005, 05:12 PM)
...
*shrugs*

Whatever. You can stop freezing now.  biggrin.gif
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*Phew!* I thought I was gonna have to hold that ballerina pose forever. biggrin.gif
sakura_saara
HAHAHAH OMGGGGGG its so funny
TSilver Fox
Wow I can't believe I made it through reading that entire thing! To be honest I almost didn't. I never would have continued reading it after the first 2 sentences If I didn't know it was a joke, or if It was from a newbie writer... And I was reviewing it. Those are about the only two ways you could get me to read something that stomach turning!

It was very funny as a joke, although I have to say the only real point in which I laughed was at that end paragraph when it was over and the "Winry Bitch Slap".

I missed seeing this when it was first posted here, Can't say I feel as though I missed out on anything, lol.
Good Job on creating a bad fic!
I hope to never read this one again. happy.gif
Squirrel of Doom
I love your new story but DANM IT GET OVER THERE AND POST THE REST OF THAT DANM STORY WE'RE GETTING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But nice job anyways. tongue.gif
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