I made a fan fic where my fma character finally tells Al how she feels. but since she suffers from long term memory loss,she soon forgets who al phonse is.so her older sister Lee,(my Detective conan/case closed character) tries to restore her memory by preforming her strange ceremonies on her and her attempts are sucessful.

If you're gonna post a story like that, you should post it in chapters.... So... Tell us your story...

oh sounds pretty good can you post the story?please

okay,every day I will post a lttile on it
(please note that my Fma character's name is Amara)

CHAPTER 1
Ed:(just walk outta Roys office)Okay I am about ready to Strangle him!
Al:What did he do now?
Ed:HE IS TELLING ME THAT I HAVE TO (imatates roy)"Be more precise with my actions and that I have to watch what I do because I might get myself killed!!!"
Al:Well,in a way he is right...I mean,you can be reckless at times Bro...
Amara:Listen to the your siblings because they might be right,c'mon lets get a move
on.
(Some where in the town)
Ed:Man,this is going to be a crappy day....The Colonel tolled me the library is closed beacuse of Plumbing problems
(show Hughs with a plunger yelling over the rushing water"ROY WE GOT THE BOOKS OUT SAFELY AND NOW HOW THE HECK ARE WE GOING TO FIX THE D**N TOILET")
Amara:I won't be suprised if this is the result of Havock's stupidity.....
Ed:I hate having to wait around,once the library's open we will get more info an the Philoso-
Al:Brother, who know how far we will get without running into Scar,
Amara:or those Humunculi...
Ed:but if we sit around we won't find anything at all and they will come to us..
Al:Ed,if you get your automail broken again because of Scar or the Humunculi,Winry is going too kill you
Ed:*shuders at the thought of Winry with a Huge Wrench the size of a Vacum*
Maybe your right,but what can we do in the mean time huh?Roy hasn't got an Assiment for either Amara or Myself...
Al:We can get the library open sooner if we help out let's go!
(At the Central Library)
Ed:Hughs!* pant*We came to help with the---OH MY GOSH!
*Hughs turns aroung and his face in covered in toilet cleaner *
Hughs:Oh hi boys,and girl,as you can see that the plumbing in the library was a complete disaster.
Al:any idea who sabatouged the pipes?
Hughs:Well we have a pretty good idea*looks over at Havock who is whistling with a monkey wrench behind him*
Amara:Anything we can do--
*Ed runs into the library*
(Inside the library_
Ed:Oh man this is going to take an easy and quick fix* looks around and finds the broken pipe* okay lets fix this!*Claps hands and transmutes the pipe into one pice again
Ed: Glad thats over wi---
Winry:EDWARD!I CAME OVER TO VISIT FOR VALENTINES DAY!!
Ed:--th....Valentines Day?!*crouchs in a feedle posttions.

END CHAPTER ONE

First I think it would be better if you didn't write in script format.

lol! I love it so far! Please write more! And I think script fromat is good for beginners, Fresh_coffee. Give em' a break.

She was only being constructive and frankly I agree. Thats not to say this work is bad however.

Well,this IS the first fanfic I have ever written ,but I am open for comments...

I never said it was bad, it's just that it would be much better if it wasn't written in script format. If this was posted on fanfiction a lot of people would FLAME Lorien .



I repeat this isn't bad it's just that even if it's your first fanfic script format isn't the way to go. If you open a book you never see:

Edward: *Dodges sword* That's sucks...

Unless you're writing a play.

I also agree with the comment about script format. It makes the writer look lazy.

It's hard to follow, so you should try to clean it up. Such as putting spaces between the colons and the words, using correct grammar and proper spellilng. Little things like that can really make your writing look better.

Advice taken and I will change the layout in the next Chapter
@Fresh coffee:Wadda mean Flame Lorien??

A flame is another term for a bad review a really bad one an example of one below.

Example :
This is a horribly written story, there is mary-sueness the plot is non-cynical please stop writing you're blinding the kids. STOP WRITING IT'S HORRIBLE! GET A FREAKING DICTIONARY.

This is actually really nice...

It's a pretty good story so far, but who is Amara?

Amara is my FMA character, just say if you don't wnat her in there but then I guess the whole story would be rined...
@coffee:Ok....I just didn't know what flameing was

well, anyway I'm looking forward to your next chapter and see how you've improved. (=

Decent but script format needs to go. Well that's what everybody else has said before me, I want to see if your next chapter has hopefully improved or is worse. Don't hate me for not putting in complete faith but I learned the hard way never put complete trust always assume the worst so you never feel bad.

CHAPTER TWO
"Valentines day....."Ed stands there stareing at the ceiling"OH NO!!!!"
"What didn't expect me?":)
"W- w- Winry!,to tell the truth I had no Idea that Valentines day was so close I uh gotta go!"
Ed ran out of the room as fast as he could,past Al,Hughs and Amara who were waiting outside.
"ED WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING!"Al started to run after Ed also
"I'll never understand what makes biys tick"Winry sighed she walked up to Amara.
"What are you going to give Edward for Valentines Winry-san?"
"Well,I was going to tease him a little and give him a pair of Elevator Boots,bu thow about we go shopping for gifts,you and me,I'll bet you want to get something for Al huh?
Amara stared blushing
"Well,I um-"
"Just admit you like him!"
Hughs stares blankly as Winry pulls Amara towards the Market Place

WITH ED
*Pant,wheeze*Gosh,I am so tired-"
"Really?why'd you run?"
"EEEEEEEEEK!"
Ed jumed as Al tapped him on the shoulder
"AL DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"
"Right sorry!So why did you run from Winry?"
"I don't know wht to get her from Valentines day.I dont want to settle for roses and choclates,sounds to orginal."
"ED"Al did a playful slap on the back of the head"You know Winry better than any one and even I would know what to get her for Valentines day,I mean your the one who likes her"
*Twitch*
"hey yoou seem depressed,well,Alot more depressed I mean,What wrong Al?Don't tell me your sad because no likes you"
"Well,Kinda"
"Lets go find something for Winry,Maybe you can get her a gift to"
(Ed thinks to himself)"I hope Al is TO sad..."




END CHAPTER TWO

HAHAHAHAHAHAH that was soo funny. I like it. Chapter one was great, and chapter two was better. Keep it up Hali!

Hey, keep writing!

You could neaten up your work a little bit. Like put spaces in between lines, and even words. But other than that it's a pretty humorous piece. I eagerly await more.

Saturn Stars

CHAPTER THREE
Al and Edward roam the market place.

"I geez.....I don't think they have any thing Winry would like here.It's alll Girly Girl stuff and we Know she's a Tomboy..."

"I don't know,you could ask they Colonel for a spare watch for her to take apart"

"He won't let me besides I am still kinda angry at him"

"Hey!Brother here is something she'll like!"

Al pointed at an old jeep sitting in the "TO BE THRON AWAY"Area

"Excuse me sir!"Ed called out to a guy standing in front of the pile.

"May I purchase this old junkered off your hands ?"

The salesman gave Ed a strange look( the kinda look that says"your crazy) and he began to laugh

"HAHAHAHA! BUY IT,KID YOU CAN HAVE IT,Think you'll need a BOOSTER seat to go with that ahahahahaha!"

"GRRRRR! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SUPER SMALL RICE GRAIN THAT HE CAN'T BE

SEEN EVEN THROUGH A MAGNIFYING GLASS YOU FATSO!"

"Ed,sorry sir,we'll just take the jeep,CALM DOWN ED!"


ABOUT 5 MINUTES LATER

Ed and Al were driving the new looking jeep(fixed by Ed)

"Do you really think she'll like it?"Ed asked as he fastend a blue tag to the wheel that said "TO WINRY ,FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD PAL/PLAYFULL IDIOT,ED

"Don't worry about it.She'll either thank you,squeeze your guts out,then take it apart OR she'll drive,THEN thank you And THEN squeeze your guts out in lovable hugs eheheh"

"hahaha...very funny.....but,thanks for the reassuring Al

WITH WINRY

"AUGH!I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ED'LL LIKE, do you think I should het him a new automail kit to help him KEEP his automail in shape or---"

"Why not get a Watch, one of those new ones that you can keep pictures in,Well take some pictures of you and Al,an then give them to him at the end of the day"


"OHHHH sounds great!Now let's find what you can get for Al"

"I know he can't eat,but I am going to make him honme* chocolate"


"Great Idea.and lets get a group photo of You,me And Ed together!"

"Alright, I just hope that Ed doesn't do anything involving any stupid ideas during the photo,you know since he's half camera shy "







*Honme chocolate is what you give to lovers and people you llike on Valentines day in japan.It is homemade.



END CHAPTER THREE

i loved it !! why didn't you tell me you were writeing a fanfic earler it was great

Great! You are really improving! Can't wait to see some more

CHAPTER FOUR

"Hey Winry?"

"Yes?"

Amara and Winry were eating lunch at an outdoor cafe.

"What should I get for Al?I have no idea what he likes or what--Hmmm maybe I could adopt a cat for him,but he'll stay at my house wwaddya think?"

"That sounds good,Al always loved cats,but who'll take care of it?"

"Proably one of my sisters.My older sister loves to take care of animals.It'll be his cat but we are just going to take care for it"

"Okay!Lets finish eating and then go to the pet store!



ED AND ALPHONSE

"Okay, a new coat of paint,and few layers of turtle wax and a few hours of work and it's done!"

"i think it looks great but ummm"

Th jeep Ed bought for winry was now crimson and had black writing on one side that said

WINRY ROCKBELL'AUTOMAIL KICKS ASS

and the hood said
WINRY ROCKBELL'S AUTO MAIL ROCKS!


"Tink we over did it al?"

"No,I think she'll like it"

LATER

"EDDDWARDDD! C'MON LETS GO TAKE SOME PICTURES TOGETHER!"

Winry and Amara found Ed in front of the national library and standing in front of the shiny jeep


"Winry have I gotta gift for you!"

He stepped aside to show winry the jeep

"Oh.....my.....GOSH ED THIS IS FOR M-M-M ME!"

She looked at the tag

"Oh ed,thank you so much,lets go takes some pictures for my gift to you"

Ed's face locked in a nervous look

"Pic...tures..."


"We'll gladlly take them for you!"

Ed and his friends looked over to see The "Military dogs"

(Mustang,Hawkeye,Havock,Fury,Breda,Fallmen,Armstrong,)

"OKAY LETS GET STARTED!"

they took four pictures,One of the Elric Brothers,
One of Winry alone,the A group photo with Ed,Al,Amara and Winry,

and the last one was of the "Military Dogs"


Amara presented her gift to Al and his reaction was....


END CHAPTER FOUR