Edward and Alphonse Elric. Youngest State Alchemist one is. Sent to the little Run down town of Faith. Only business left in town is the Diner. Besides that just a couple of old Fashion wood houses. Not really a tourist site when it's surrounded by desert. In fact the only thing in Faith worth going to see is their nuclear power plant. This is why Ed and Al are here.

Roy Mustang has sent the two boys here about a week ago. They had traveled by train. Al didn't mine but Ed most certainly was aggravated by all the minuscule jobs Roy had them running.
" Al can you see the town yet?" Ed said wrathfully.
" Yes brother it's just over the Horizon. We should be there in about 20 minutes."
"Good. Al have you noticed all the missions we've been on lately haven't been top notch." Ed said with a little worry in his voice.
" Yes so why do you ask brother."
" We are losing sight of why we even joined the State Al. Remember the Philosopher's stone." Ed was dead serious about this. He wanted his arm and leg back.
" Of course I do brother but we have to also do the work here. We are responsible for the work handed to us." Al tried to reason.
" I know but.." Ed got cut off by the conductor's voice over the intercom.
" We will be entering Faith in 5 minutes." Ed and Al remained quite for the rest of the trip until they got into Faith.

" I'm tired Al you wanna find a place to rest for tonight." Ed said wanting to go to sleep and just think.
" Sure brother but first we must find a place to sleep." Al stated just comprehending the scene of emptiness in the town.
" That might be a problem." Ed agreed.
" Hey are you two tourist." a stranger asked apparently from the town.
" No we are...." Al got cut off by Ed.
" Quite maybe they'll give us a room if they think we're tourist. I mean the town looks like it hasn't had one in ages." Ed whispered into Al's ear.
" Well are you?" the man asked again.
" Yes we are." Ed answered back.
" Do you have a room we can stay in?" Ed asked hoping this would work.
" Do I." the man answered back almost dumbfounded.
" Just follow me." He added and they did hoping for a good night's rest.

To Be Continued....

It's nice to see that you haven't given up. I suppose I commend you for that.

Here, you are doing a better job than what you did last time, which is good. Now, if you mind my constructive criticism, you don't have to read the following.

Since you have thrown the screenplay format out the train window, you should form your sentences better. Your details are no longer stage directions --- they must be prose. Link your sentences more in the first paragraph. Also:


Don't narrate like Yoda. Unless the narrator is supposed to be Yoda.

No space needed between the initial quotation and first word of dialogue either.

Other than that, as I have already mentioned, it's much better than your last attempt. As for spelling errors and stuff, I'll let everyone else take care of the rest. Or better yet, you could fix them yourself.

Hmm... were you really trying to avoid the word "said" like the plague?

It certainly does seem so. But when you don't use it altogether, it just looks like you're trying a little too hard. No offense.

Either he's very very brazen, or very very stupid to show his face again...

*applauds* shadow, i'm impressed. honestly, i mean that. it's so nice to see that maybe something we said got through to you. the prose looks infinitely nicer than the screenplay format did, so kudos. so while we're on the upswing, fix one or two other things and i'd say maybe you're on your way off that bounty poster and in the right direction.

gotta agree with what quis in that the yodaspeak is a little...uh... yeah. i know you can formulate a proper sentence...you spotted your arguments with them, they were there, even if the point wasn't. you've still got a lot of work to do on your grammar, but at least you're putting forth the effort this time. i still recommend a spelling and grammar checker... and a thesaurus. your sentences, while they *are* sentences this time, are painfully bland.

also... *sighs and takes shadow by the shoulder* listen, kid...i know there has been a lot of...friction between us...but what it comes down to is that i hate to see a good imagination wasted on bad writing. the potential was always there...you just didn't want to burn away the muck that was smothering it.

if you will listen to me...if you will take what i have to say and *use* it... if you will accept the criticism of someone who has been doing this a LOT longer than you have...someone who has STUDIED to learn to do this for i would bet money longer than you have known how to type on a keyboard...i will help you make this a story that people will remember for its content and not its mistakes.

*puts hands up* or i'll just shut the hell up right now and leave it alone. it's all up to you. you've made some progress...but you've got a long way to go. i can help you, or we can go our separate ways.

your call, sport.

Here's a suggestion: Sentences don't have to start with a subject, you know.

*Looks at Takage. nah just playing Tokage* Find but all I ask is one thing from you in return. Yes I do know I shouldn't even be asking for this. Don't see me as a under link as someone you can push around. Besides that i'm yours.

Ok i'll bite the narrator scheme to me is to make it sound more like a story. I usually use it for describing time passage, scenery, etc. This is the only way I know so what you got for me.

Ok when it comes to grammar and spelling yeah it blows a whole lot. The spelling I use your everyday spell check for but even to me that isn't cutting it. The grammar and proper English skills are atrocious. Thesauruses I use but usually not enough. I never seem able to find good enough words. Although this is on me to another level considering the words I get in school.

Avoiding the word said is all I try to do. Using to much kills your writing but not enough goes around it. So what you got for me here.

P.S. Don't take me pettiness serious. sometimes i'm in a bad mood sometimes i'm just thick-headed. But believe me when I say this. I don't always show it but my mind is advanced because of what life has taught me. True I have much to learn and I am not denying that. But in the end sometimes it's my foolishness of my youth that waves away opportunity. I'm just hoping you can be different and wait it out. Not just pass on by.

Anyway so what can you do for me here before I continue.

Gashole, it's like he doesn't even acknowledge the rest of us. Oh, well, I'll say stuff anyway.


I was wondering if you ever read other books. Follow the other authors' examples to establish your own voice. And take note of how their sentences are complete, and usually contain 5 words or more.


My advice would be to invest in a dictionary, then go further to invest in at least 5 minutes a day looking up a few everyday words.


You've already said everything that needs to be said on this subject in that sentence alone.

It's nice to see that you actually took some of the criticism to heart this time.

Yea, it's very recommended that you read various kinds of books written. You're gonna realize which style you like and which style you don't and use it in your writing.



In fact, you'll learn what to do with this problem if you read enough books.



Did we have a tragic life or did we read too many Chicken Soup books?
Edit: When we're at a certain age, we always think we know everything. Then a few years later we look back and realize how stupid and conceited we were for believing so.

.........*just starts laughing*



first of all...it's 'underling', and secondly, i never think of my students as such. if you can be civil and responsive and absorbent of what i have to tell you, i will see you as a peer...as an equal. but the second you fall back into your old attitude, we're finished and you're on your own. capiche?



if i may, would it be overstepping my bounds to take what you have and reword it to show you what you could make it into?



all i can really suggest to fix that is practice practice practice. if you don't stick out the grammar it will never get better. if you don't work on vocab and spelling it will never improve. as has already been said...read a couple of good books. it's amazing how much you can pick up by emulating the style of the masters.



a thesaurus can do wonders in this situation. there are a million different ways to speak your mind. your words can be said, shouted, growled, or grumbled. they can be snickered, snorted, bellowed or bleated. it all depends on the mood, the situation, the whole context of a sentence can be changed simply by how someone says it. put yourself in the character's place. if you were saying what they were saying...how would YOU say it? you wouldn't whisper where you are supposed to howl...and you wouldn't scream where you are supposed to drawl. grab that thesaurus and go nuts. you can't go wrong when you play with semantics.[/color]



okay, dear, uhm...here is where i have always had one of my biggest complaints... your thought process is all over the place. when you say something, think about what it is you are trying to say, and organize the thoughts a little better. i had to read that paragraph like three times before i really understood it, simply because it's just so erratic. the grammar problem doesn't aid the situation. i'm not trying to give you a hard time... well, maybe a little... but the point is, you need to present your idea in a more organized fashion with punctuation to keep things in line, or else your paragraphs will just run rampant and all over like that...

Ok first I want to address gashole and Qui. first. no offense but I never really wanted your advice. I'm not saying I don't need it but this is always between me and Tokage.

Ok Tokage now on to us here. My attitude is something not to be taken seriously believe me I've faced it many of times.

ok you kind of confused me when you said overstepping your bounds. I'm here to learn anyway possible like I said all I asked was not to be a underling. Reword all you want but if you think it's fine then whatever.

Grammar is my weakness and alot of practice it's going to take. I'll do it but if you see anything you can throw in to help let me know.

ok that's what I tried to do hear using things like wrathfully. I'll see what I can add to my inventory. There's a bunch so it should be easy.

Last but not least. My though process is very complicated although i know it's hard to believe. Thing is I speak my thoughts as they are. So when I read it it makes perfect sense. That's going to be the hardest thing to fix.

Ok next time I post here just to let you know i'm going to continue the story I mean there is a story here. Until then.

Wrong anime, I know, but I think we need a crashing wave and some emphatic Gai-sensei and Lee tears here. ^^

Glad to see you two reconciling! Oh, and Shadow, although it's wonderful and important to have a mentor, it's also important to take others' advice as well. For example, just because Ed is the official student of Izumi doesn't mean he's going to ignore the words of wisdom given to him by Hughes and Hawkeye and Pinako and so on.

Ok that's blunt and now I'm taking this personally. Expect me to reply to whatever threads you decide to make. Ok bye.

Oh, cool. My opinion doesn't matter.


I plan to do so as well.

Tokage probably won't even respond if they don't get to...

*cuffs upside head with shoe* no! no, no, no! shadow, one of the most important things in a learning process is listening to everyone's opinions and advice. the iron chef takes with a grain of salt the comments of four tasters, not just one. contestants for american idol take the votes of four judges. even those in charge of entire countries have a whole series of associates they consort with before important decisions are made. if high-ranking officials are not so omnipotent as to make decisions based on the words of a single advisor, why should you be? everyone has an individual opinion, and all of them are important if you want to create something that can be enjoyed by a larger number of people.

don't shun the advice of others, grasshopper. when you write, you do not write for just one person, you write for an entire world of an audience. just because i say something is good or bad doesn't mean that the rest of your audience agrees.

and on a more personal level, i don't appreciate you writing off the words of gashole and quistis when the latter in particular is a personal advisor of my own. one of the first things a good author needs to learn is that if you can't cater to the masses, you won't get too far.



i said overstepping my bounds because...well, i'm sorry to say it, but you haven't exactly been the most accepting of advice in the first place, so i didn't want to add insult to injury by rewording your post without prior authorization. that's all.



fair enough. i look forward to seeing the progress you are able to make...because maybe it's just me? but i find many of your sentences a trifle hard to follow.




LOL! can i score some awesome eyelashes like gai-sensei?? XDDD

and tobu-san makes a good analogy. think of me as izumi, and gas and quis as edward's other senior officers. treat them with an air of disrespect and not only will izumi twist you into a pretzel, but you'll also probably get shot and stabbed with tiny daggers. XD




*opens can of worms*




hah! good for you both. shadow needs to learn a little humility along with his grammar, so i hope you both will help in that department as well.

shadow, give me a bit to play with what you've got and i'll post a rewording of your initial post to give you some ideas on how to improve what you have, okay?