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Paige the soul alchemist
This is my first FMA story. The story pairs me(paige) with Edward. If you give good reviews I'll post another chapter

Fullmetal Alchemist: Love that goes beyond time
A 15 year old girl named Paige meets a boy named Edward and his little brother Alponse Elric after she goes back in time to their time. She falls for Ed but hides it. Ed doesn’t except he likes her until he almost loses her. Told threw the eyes of Paige and Ed.

The past
I was 15, a young girl who was looking for the right guy. My brown eyes had flicks of amber in them and my blonde hair was down to my shoulder blades. In my history class we were studying the time of Alchemy. We had to do a report about our favorite part of the 2 chapters we read. I liked the chapter about the Elric brothers Edward and Alponse. A lot of kids in the class said I looked like them and a lot of girls said that Edward was hot. For my report I studied the laws of Alchemy and the lives of the Elric brother and how they made history. I was sitting on my bed history book by my side and my note book in hand. “Hmm my intro… I know.” I said as I wrote down my intro. I read it out load. “Alchemy, the study of transmuting matter from one form into another. It can even make gold out of lead, this is the result of an equal exchange. The Elric brothers thought they learned enough to bring their mother back from death, but the laws of nature demanded a heavy price. In an attempt to restore their bodies they went in search for the legendary philosophers stone that held unlimited power, but the were not alone.” “Yeah that sounds good.” I said. I decided to do the rest over the 7 day weekend. Man the girls were right Edward Elric is a hottie, what wins me over is his amazing amber eyes.” I said as I lade down on my bed and fell asleep. The next day I put on my dark blue denim jacket and gold chain with a dark crimson colored stone on it. The back of the jacket had the symbol of the state alchemist on the back. “Hey Paige!!” Yelled my friend Sara as she ran over to me. “Hey Sara, what’s up?” I asked. “How’s your report coming?” she asked. “I finished the intro last night.” I answered. “Man Why is it I’ve known you since pre-k, but I’m nothing like you when it comes to school?” Sara asked. “Who knows?” I answered. “OK on to business why do you think that Edward Elric guy is cute?” she asked. “Well if he was still alive I say his dreamy amber eyes.” I said. “Totally, his eyes are what made him look sooo cute.” Said Sara. After about two hours of talking and helping Sara with her report we went home, I heard my mom and dad talking. “Kylie, what if Paige finds out she can use Alchemy?” Asked my dad. “Roy, don’t worry, she won’t find out.” Answered my mom. “Yeah but what if she finds out and uses it how we would use it to our advantage?” asked my dad. I couldn’t take it “Mom, Dad how could you even think about that?” I asked. “Paige, we want you to do something for us.” My mom said as kindly as she could. “No way will I will use my power to your advantage.” I said. “Oh yes you will.” My dad said. “No I won’t!!” I yelled pushing them away. I took this time to run I ran to my room and locked the door. I was going to run away I dint care where I just wanted to get out of this house. I packed my bag with jeans. Underwear, shirts and socks and some other things. Before I could jump out the window I saw a bright light under me. The room around me suddenly disappeared. I reached down and picked up a small silver pocket watch. “I know what this is this is the pocket watch of the state Alchemist, but why do I have it.” I asked my self. “Wait this light it’s a transmutation circle and there light coming from my pendant!” I said. The light suddenly got brighter and engulfed me. I was falling throw a ray of light. “It’s so bright.” I said. I suddenly hit the ground. I was on the hot sand in the middle of a desert. “What the?” “Were the heck am I?” I asked my self. I picked up my bag and went in some random direction but I had no idea who I’d meet.
Well R&R people. Well time for the preview for the next Chapt.
Ed: A meeting can be something gained or lost. I met a girl in the desert.
Pai: I met the boy with amber eyes that were like light.
Ed: This girl, I may be able to trust her.
Hex-Sama
Well... This is a different kind of story, that's for sure. And the pairing is quite different as well. I wish I could be with Edward. *cries* lol Oh well, I have a boyfriend who looks like Alphonse, so that makes up for everything. biggrin.gif Can't wait tell the next chapter. wink.gif
xrninja
far be it from me to discourage aspiring writers, but this seems mighty like a mary-sue to me.

if you're not familiar with the term, a mary-sue is an original female character who is very much like the main character of the series, somehow is in the main character's world, and falls for him in some way or another. usually very pretty and smart, family trouble and angsty past, sometimes is the author herself, usually has abilities very similar to the main character. basically, it's a highly overused fanfic plot that anime fans of every series have seen many, many times.

that's the impression i'm getting from it after reading that first chapter; i haven't seen the rest so i really can't judge that it's a mary-sue for sure at this point. i do hope you continue your story, though.

PS: use your enter/return key. paragraphs and paragraph breaks and your friend and your readers' friend. use it to separate ideas, dialogue, etc.
Paige the soul alchemist
Thanks for reviewing ^^ My next chapter will be up in like 1 hour hopew you like it! laugh.gif
hagane_no_tokage
i have to agree with xrninja that it does sound like we're listing dangerously toward mary-sue territory...but it would be unfair to say that definitively when all we've seen is the first chapter.

only thing that sort of stuck out for me was that your descriptions are...how can i say...? a little...i think trite is the word. also, writing from a first-person POV takes a certain vernacular that doesn't always come across well... one way i've found helps to make it sound better is to say what i'm writing. after all, since this is paige's POV, it's basically like she's saying the story to us, right? the way paige goes about introducing the fledgling plotline seems kind of erratic...the fact that she's looking for the right guy going straight into her eye and hair color and then suddenly we're in history class? three sentences and we're already going to school with paige before we even really have a mental image of her in our heads...it seems a tad rushed. would you tell a story to your friends in such a hurry?

if it were me, i would try drawing it out a little more... savor the flavor of the description of each piece of information a little longer, and it will flow better. is paige tall or short? is she athletic or bookwormy? you've got good ideas to move the story forward, but you seem in such a rush to move on to more exciting points of the plotline, we don't really get a chance to know the character very well before she gets herself into things.

i look forward to seeing where this story goes. keep it up! happy.gif
Paige the soul alchemist
Ok my computer is on the fritz So I'll just have to aske a freind to fix it. I can assure you that the next chapter will have more detail so be paitant.
Hex-Sama
@Paige the soul alchemist: No worries wink.gif . Even though I was born in the year of the horse, I don't have a short fuse, except when it comes to my lil' sister mad.gif lol. I understand about your computer, I can wait. smile.gif
hagane_no_tokage
hm...i'm a rooster...so i've got enough temper for everybody... heh, i guess taht's bad news for MY lil sis... ohmy.gif

i hope you can get your computer fixed soon, paige, i really am curious where this story will lead. happy.gif
Paige the soul alchemist
Thanks Hex-Sama My computer is finnaly fixed so I can post the next chapter! biggrin.gif


Chapter 2: the meeting

I walked for what felt like forever. After a while I saw two figures in the didtence so I ran over to them. "Hey!" I yelled as I ran over to them When I got close I saw that they were a blonde haired ale colored eyed boy around my age,he was wering a red trench coat, a black under shirt and black ankle high boots, and the person next to him was a tall walking sute of armor. "Hello." the sute of armor said kindly. "Hi listen Im looking for the nearest village any idea were a village could be?" I asked. "The nearest village? we're headed to the nearest village you can come with us if you want." Offered the boy. Ok thanks." I said. I really wasnt supriesed the thing was for some reason I had lost all memorie on how I got there it sounds strange I know but I had a feeling I could trust them and that I knew them. "Here you look thirsty." I said handing a bottle of water to the boy. Thanks alot I was thirsty." he said smiling. "By the way who are you anyway?" I asked. "I'm Alponse Elric and he's my older brother Edward Elric." Said Al. When I herd those nmaes my head strted to hurt like my mind was doing all it could to remember who they were. "Hey you ok?" Ed asked walking to me. "Yeah its just a headache and my name is Paige Valintine." I said to them. "What was up with that? Its like I was trying to remember somthing..." I thought. Later like a hour and a half Ed colapesd. "Hey Paige can I have another bottle of water?" he asked. "I wanna save it for later." I replied. "Aww man come on." he said. "Hey wait a minute wheres Al?" I asked looking around. "Huh? Wherd you go Al, AL? he asked. "down here>" said Al grabbing Ed's ankle. "This is why I hate the desert." Ed said. After we helpt Al out Ed sat down on his breifcase clearly annoyed. "How is it that you keep falling in?!" he asked. "I get full." Al tried to explain. "Full of what?!" Ed asked as he kicked Al causing his crest to fall off fallowed bey a pile of sand that fell on Ed. Al chuckled to himself and stepped away a bit. Ed then burst out pissed off. I really couldnt help but laugh. "Oh Paige get over here." said Ed. Um no AHHH!" I yelled as I ran away from him. "Get back here you two!" he yelled after us. "No!" Al and I yelled at the same time. Ed finally got tired and gave up. "Hey theres a villagew not to far from here>" I said pointing to a village in the horizen.. "Good lets go then>" said Ed. We all then walked to the village I could here Ed mumbling to himself.

Ok thats chapter two people hope you liked it!
Hex-Sama
@Paige the soul alchemist: Nice job with the reinactment of the first episode. Keep up the good work. Can't wait tell the next chapter. biggrin.gif
hagane_no_tokage
but please please please start putting paragraph breaks... it's so hard on the eyes as is... wacko.gif
Paige the soul alchemist
Ok here comes chapter 3!

False prophet pt.1

We finnally got to a village Ed was exsausted from chasing us. "God why didnt you guys stop?" he asked. "Would you stop if somone was chasing you?" I asked. Al chuckled to himself "She's got a point Nii-san." Al said. "Whatever, hey wait is that it is a FOUNTAIN!!!" Yelled Ed as he started running twords the fountain. "WATER!WATER!WATER!WATER!!!" yelled Ed happily flailing his arms around (snicker at thought) "Hey Ed!" I yelled as I ran after him.He then stopped in fountain and nearly fell him but Al grabbed the hood of his coat before he fell. "What is it?" I asked. "Is it blood?" Al asked "No,its more like blood red wine." he answered taking some of it into a cup. "Hey you know that stuff is off limets to kids!" yelled a guy who grabbed Ed by his hood. Later I explained everything to the guy. "I see so your not from around here." he said handing me and Ed glasses of juice. "Yeah." I answered. "Oh yeah I almost forgot its time for some soul food." the guy said turning on a radio above Al. "Children who wished to be saved, listen to the words of your savior, the sun god Leto will guide you to the light my children." the voice on the radio said. "A religious brodcast?" I asked looking around every one seemed to be enjoying it. "We'd better go." said Ed getting up. "Right." Replied. as he got up he accendentaly it his head on the self it was on nocked it off and broke it. "Sorry..." Al said in a meek tone. The guy was extremly mad. "I can fix it." said Al gathring the pieces. "How its in a million pieces?" the guy asked. "Just watch." Ed said. I turned to Al who had just put the peices into a small circle with a strange triangle in the middle. My eyes then got wide not because of the transmutation, but I had just remembered somthing. I remembered a circle like the one Al had just drawn then a large bright flash of light and that was it. "Whoa how did you do that?" asked somone in the crowd Al had drawn. He put the now fixed Radio on the counter. "Its alchemy." he replied. "He's the fullmetal alchemist." said a person in a poison green cloak. When I herd the name fullmetal alchemist I got that headache but this time I sort of zoned out. In my mind a voice was repeting over and over. "Edward Elric... Alponse Elric... the fullmetal alchemist.... transmutition circles...transmutition....Alchemy..." "Paige? Paige? Paige!" yelled Ed shaking me. I finnally came to my scenses. "You ok?" he asked. "Huh? Yeah i'm ok..." I answered. "I get it they call you fullmetal because you always where that suit of armor right?" asked a guy in the crowd "no I'm not the fullmetal alchemist he is." Al said pointing to Ed "What that shrimp over there?" asked another guy looking at Ed. "WHAT WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT!? ANY MORE SMART REMARKS SUPER SMALL?! PUNY?! MIDJIT?! IF YOU GOT ANY MORE I'M ALL EARS!!!" Yelled Ed throwing a fit, no I mean liturally throwing the two guys that called him short. "Hi there lovly day isnt it?" asked a pink/brown haired girl with a light tan dress. "Hi I can see your busy so I wont impose." she said with a warm smile. "Hello, my name is Alponse Elric and this is my brother Ed and Paige Valintine." Al said as he introduced us. "Nice to meet you, my names Rose." she said. "So Rose you ready to give at todays ceremony?" asked the barkeeper. "Yeah, I've got the stuff right here." said Rose. "ceremony?" I asked. "Its when Father Cornello gathers us in the town square and we donate things to the sun god Leto." she explained. I see." I said thinking about it. "Hey you guys look really good together are you boyfreind and girlfreind?" Rose asked me and Ed. "no I've only known her for a couple hours. Anyway we're looking for somthing important any idea where we could find somthing that might give us a lead?" Ed asked. "No but father Cornello might fallow me I'll take you to hime and he might let you stay in the guest quarters." Rose said. We walked throught the town Rose was very kind to us. "So Paige tell me about yourself." she said looking at me. "I'm afraid there isnt much to tell. I really dont remember anything before I met Ed and Al." I replied running my hand through my blonde hair. "Oh I see." Rose said After a while we came to a church. "Here we are." Rose said leading us in. "Father Cornello? Sorry for bothering you but I want you tomeet some new comers, this is Edward Elric, his brother Alponse and Paige Valientine." she said introducing us to a stubby blad mam whering a preist's outfit. "Welcome, I am father Cornello do you have any problems with god?" he asked. "No Father the're looking for somthing, and they were woundering if you could help them." she said. "I'll be able to help them later but right know they look like they need rest, Rose kindly lead our guests to their rooms." Cornelo said. "Thank you father, come on I'll take you to your rooms." Rose said. She lead usdown corridors and differant hallways. "Here we are, Ed Al your room is right here and Paige your room is across the hall." Rose said walking off. "Ed what is it that your looking for anyway?" I asked. "We're looking for somthing called the philosophers stone." he replied. "Ok then I'll see you later." I said kinda rushing.I then felt Al's hand on my shoulder. "Paige you ok you've been acting like somthings bohtering you?" he asked. "I would tell you..but I really cant explain it." I replied walking into my room. I put my breifcase on the floor near the bed and layed down on the bed. "Man, what is going on? Why do I feel this way?" I asked myself.


well here you go chapter 3. Just to let you know that the next chapter will be long so prepare yourself.
Hex-Sama
@Paige the soul alchemist: Good job on chap.3. Please put your stories in paragraphs. I lose my place easily blink.gif I also like how you put your character into the story without interupting the main flow of the original story.
Paige the soul alchemist
ok this is a long chapter here we go. Chapter 4 WHHEEE! laugh.gif


False Prohet pt.2

A hour later Rose made us come with her to see a 'Miricle gatering'. I was sitting on top of a small pillar and Ed and Al were leaning against it. Rose then walked up to us, "Hey how do you guys like your first miricle gathering?" she asked. "There somthing about him,I dont think he can do miricles." I said looking at Rose. "You've got a point their Paige, he's defently using some kind of alchemy." said Ed looking at Cornello. "What makes you say that?" Rose asked. "But Nii-san that would be breaking the laws wouldnt it?" Al asked. "Yeah it would." replied Ed. "Huh what laws?" Rose asked "The laws of Alchemy, scince alchemy is a science it has to fallow certain laws." explained Ed. "huh?" Rose asked. "To put it simply in alchemy in order to gain something, somthing of equal value must be given up in exchange. Isnt that right?" I asked looking at Ed and Al. "Yeah thats simply what it is." said Al. "Its not alchemy hes doing miricles!" exclaimed Rose. "You cant just make somthing out of thin air." said Ed. "Still, we may have found what we're looking for." Said Ed. I looked at him, and I could clearly see a mixture of ditermination and excitement in his eyes. "Wounder whats he's looking for?" I said to myself. "Come on lets go." Ed said walking away. "Where?" I asked jumping down from the pillar and following him.

Later we found Rose in the church. "Oh hey you want to learn about Letoisum?" asked Rose. "Nope sorry I'm an atheiest." Replied Ed. Rose ran and grabed me hand. "How about you Paige?" she asked. "No sorry Rose." I replied. "oh..I see." she said. Ed went and sat down. "What do you think will happen if you serve under this guy?" asked Ed. "Well The feeling that you've lived good and happy that god has given you strengh. Ed sighed and took out a small handbook. "Water 35 liters, carbon25 kilograms,ammonia 4 liters, lime 1.5 kilograms, phosphorus 800 grams, salt 250 grams, salteter 100 grams sulfer 80 grams, fluorine 7.5 grams iron 5 grams, silicon 3 grams and trace amounts of fifteen other elements." finished Ed closing his book."Huh? whats that?" asked Rose clearly confused. "this is the main components of a single adult human." explained Ed.

Well i would post more put I'm tired and kinda bord of typing so see ya! laugh.gif
hagane_no_tokage
okay, this story started out pretty decent...but do you realize you're just completely recapping the first episode now? there isn't much sense in just redoing what has already been done and just adding a new character... why don't you try making a unique sitation for your character to be in? a new town, a new villain...a new *something*... i'm having some serious deja-vu issues with where the story is now...

and also, you need to break paragraph each time a new person speaks, it's very difficult to read this all run together the way it is...
Akaina
Please listen to what people are saying >__< After you posted the first chapter everybody told you to put paragraphs, and here we are on the fourth and you still haven't completely done so. In chapter 4 I noticed you put one in, which is a start. Please keep doing so! Just because you're writing fanfiction doesn't mean you can slack off on everything you've learned in English. Spell-check of some sort would also be a good idea.

Also, I repeat what hagane_no_tokage said. This is basically the first episode with a mary-sue. If this is gonna be a mary-sue fic, at least expand your imagination so you can have a little fun while writing it! I understand I may sound a bit harsh... and I'm sorry about that. But this story isn't presenting us with something new, it's just re-writing FMA the way you want it to be. You and Ed are gonna fall in love, right?

So, I am sorry I sound harsh... sad.gif don't stop writing, just tweak what you're doing and how you're doing it. Fanfiction, like any other writing, needs soul.
Paige the soul alchemist
It will get mor actony dont worry, with blood and violacne and stuff in later chapters.
Akaina
When I say 'soul' I don't mean blood and violence, I mean a plausible plot that has thought and feeling to it, and characters that act as the vessels for these things. A good story doesn't necessarily have to have violence in it, and it wasn't what I was asking for you to do. u__u()
Just how old are you?
Hex-Sama
@Paige the soul alchemist: Look, from one edward lover to another, I need to tell you something. This is a fanfiction, which means you make up your own plot with the same characters, not copying the whole thing down. A chapter or two to start it out is okay, but not during the whole fanfiction, please. I'm still reading your story, cause it still sounds good to me. And pretty please type it out in paragraphs, cause I lose my place so easily! sad.gif
Paige the soul alchemist
Hex-sama arigoto. and I'm 14 years old

False propehet pt 3

We found out that Cornell was a fake, but Rose wouldnt belive us, she got totally freaked out when she saw that Al was an empty suit of armor. We were forced to fight Cornello over the philosophers stone. "What they've been looking for its that." I thought. come get the stone if you can sinners!" exclaimed Cornello. He then launched a shot of alchemy at me, I didnt know what I did really all I remember is doing alchemy with out the use aof a transmutation circle. "What?! How did you use alchemy with out a transmutation circle?!" he asked clearly annoyed.
"I dont know." I replied. "how can you?...Is it possible that you've seen...?" Ed started to ask. "look out!" I yelled at Ed and Al. They both dodged it. "heh well lets see how you deal with this...a chimara!" Exclaimed Cornello relesing a large cat like creture. " What the?" I asked. "you used animal transmutation, the most dispicible kind." Ed said. (I cant spell ^^) "Yes but it is also most effective. The chimara then jumped at Ed and bit his arm. "Edward!" I yelled I then noteced that he wasnt blleding the chimara had accually broken his teeth on Ed's arm. "ah, how is that possible?" I asked him.
'It is, because my arm isnt real." Ed explained. I was scarred a little. "how?..." asked Rose who was apperently standing there the whole time. "Rose this is what happens when you try to bring back whats dead
hagane_no_tokage
uhm...how can we tell you so you will understand...that we can't read it when it's all smooshed together like this?? you need to put paragraph breaks in your work and run the document through spelling and grammar checks before posting. it is very disheartening to the reader when a story starts out with potential, but is brought down by poor technical workmanship... i'm not trying to be mean, but it really takes away from a story when it's presented the way you have been doing.
Lady Battousai
Chill tokage...
Paige the soul alchemist
Arigato Lady Battousai. So did you read my story? And if you did what did you thik of it?
Asakura_yoh
Hey, Like you story but a bit hard to read them @__@ Make paragraph shall be better X___x
xrninja
QUOTE(Lady Battousai @ Dec 10 2004, 07:05 PM)
Chill tokage...

she was only repeating some needed criticism that seems to be repeatedly ignored. that's all.
Paige the soul alchemist
Well scince your not giving good reveiws I'll just have to wait untill you do. stop complaining over the smallest things will ya?
xrninja
sorry to squash a burgeoning writer with the stiff boot of reality, but the quality of the reviews depend on the quality of the work. put plainly, your work isn't going to improve if you don't listen to criticism, and if it doesn't improve, there are no guarantees on you getting good reviews. and right now, it's not small things like the odd spelling error that we're commenting on: it's the whole plot, writing style, and paragraph structure. if people have criticism like that they'd like to share with you, chances are they're not going to decide to make up "omgz this iz suuch a good fanfic plz update or i'll cry" comment instead, just because you want one.

i speak for myself when i say this, but whether you post your next chapter or not really doesn't matter to me. it should matter to you, though, whether you want to improve or not.
Paige the soul alchemist
OK thats it!!!! Im a NEWBIE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND???????!!!!!! I'M NEW AT WRIGHTING FANFICS!!!! I'V GO WORDS TO SAY TO ALL THAT GAVE ME CRAPPY REVIEWS. F*@# THIS SITE. F*@# THIS FANFIC. AND ABOVE ALL OTHER THINGS TO F*@#...F*@# YOU!!!!!
xrninja
QUOTE(Paige the soul alchemist @ Dec 13 2004, 10:13 PM)
OK thats it!!!! Im a NEWBIE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND???????!!!!!! I'M NEW AT WRIGHTING FANFICS!!!! I'V GO WORDS TO SAY TO ALL THAT GAVE ME CRAPPY REVIEWS. F*@# THIS SITE. F*@# THIS FANFIC. AND ABOVE ALL OTHER THINGS TO F*@#...F*@# YOU!!!!!

oh, the epitome of maturity. you'll certainly go far.
hagane_no_tokage
whoa....sounds like somebody needs to take a major chill pill and go sit in the corner until she can clean up her attitude...

i'm sorry you can't handle a little constructive criticism, but being new to something is really no excuse for poor workmanship...and even less of an excuse for not being able to accept advice that would help you improve it. we all gave good comments along with the critiques, but if you're looking for the aforementioned "omgz this iz suuch a good fanfic plz update or i'll cry", you'd be better off posting on fanfiction.net where the audience is mostly 12-year-old dbz and yu-gi-oh fans with no literary understanding whatsoever.

i've been writing for years...but do you think i was great at it when i first started? hell no. even now, that i have a whole email list of people who have asked me to let them know when i have updated on of my stories, i am still working on my technique, and i ask for criticism on my work. those who cannot take criticism along with a compliment have no confidence in what they have done, that is what i have always lived by. i have confidence in what i have written, in the artwork i have done, so i have no problem when someone tells me i could do 'this' or 'that' to improve upon it... i listen to my audience, and if they don't like the way i've done something, i do my best to try and work with them to make it more pleasing to the people who will be viewing/reading it.

it's really no use being an artist--of any sort--if you have no audience. maybe if you put a little more pride in what you write, you and your readers would have an easier time accepting it for what it is and such vulgar words wouldn't be necessary.

btw, ninja, that 'stiff boot of reality' line? classic! *applauds*
Paige the soul alchemist
you make me sick. I like Fanfiction.net fyi thats why I started writing in the first place. Plus on another site I posted a story told throught the eyes of the reader and everone who read it liked it and there all 16 thru 18. and I like the plot. You make me sick.
xrninja
awfully complacent, aren't you. if we make you so sick, feel free to puke your way back to ff.net and all of their ridiculously hyper and ego-boosting comments, or that site where all of the supposedly 16 to 18-year-olds praised your story. silly us, giving you constructive criticism because we thought you actually wanted to get better! you're free to leave.


@ tokage: why thank you! i'm trying to get into the writing mood because i have two essays and a paper to tackle tonight. tongue.gif
hagane_no_tokage
ooh, good for you, 16-18-year olds liked the plot. *shrug* then go post on ff.net. i post there, too, but i know that i'm never going to get any better if i just suck up all the 'omgz' that i get there. you're dealing with a higher-caliber of audience in a show-specific forum...the fans here want high-quality work...and since you can't seem to take the heat, your self-inflicted 'n00b'ness just won't suffice. maybe if you made some improvements instead of making excuses and being sick (dry.gif), you'd get somewhere...but at the writing level you are now, you won't get too far without accepting a little criticism.

@ninja: good luck on your papers! what's the subject? i always *hated* writing essays... even tho i love to write, i was never happy with writing on a specific given subject, you know? ;p
Hex-Sama
QUOTE(Paige the soul alchemist @ Dec 13 2004, 10:13 PM)
OK thats it!!!! Im a NEWBIE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND???????!!!!!! I'M NEW AT WRIGHTING FANFICS!!!! I'V GO WORDS TO SAY TO ALL THAT GAVE ME CRAPPY REVIEWS. F*@# THIS SITE. F*@# THIS FANFIC. AND ABOVE ALL OTHER THINGS TO F*@#...F*@# YOU!!!!!

WHOA ohmy.gif ! I didn't give you a bad review. All I asked for was it to be in paragraph form... Shot... Now I'm never ganna know what happened to the characters in your story. dry.gif

@Tokage: I love christmas, but I hate the week before it! mad.gif My teachers must have had a meeting to talk about test dates or something, because I have a test in every single subject this week! mad.gif
Paige the soul alchemist
You were very Kind Hex-sama^^ tgat post wasbt really pinted to you. Anyway I have a freind whos been writing a little longer then I have she writes really good storys she working on a Fma story and has typed the intro and first chapter I'l pm you the link wink.gif
Akaina
If you don't like these reviews that we're giving you, then let me ask you this: What kind of reviews do you want? What are you aiming for when you write? As an artist, I want comments that will help me improve myself. When I used to write fanfiction, it was the same thing. The occasional "OMG THIS IS GREAT!!!1" flattered me, but in the end it didn't end up making as big an impact as the reviews that gave me advice. I'm also 14, but I seem to understand this when you don't.

@ninja: There's a difference between essays and papers for you? @___@ eek. Depending on what subject it's in, essays are easy or hard (for me). If it's english I can do it, if it's social studies I hate it >__<
xrninja
QUOTE(Akaina @ Dec 14 2004, 07:41 PM)
@ninja: There's a difference between essays and papers for you? @___@ eek. Depending on what subject it's in, essays are easy or hard (for me). If it's english I can do it, if it's social studies I hate it >__<

weeell in the essay i had to write, i had to write about a word and throughout the course of the essay, define the word (i did failure for my first draft and maturity for my second). i forgot to do the draft last week, so i had do to the draft, then revise it and turn it in today. although i did it at 4:30 this morning and i don't quite remember making revisions....i think i just printed out the same craptastic essay twice rolleyes.gif the paper was just comparing william hazlitt's "on going a journey" and samuel johnson's "the solitude of the country" and answering some questions he provided in the paper. except he didn't collect it! bah! but at least after taking APUS History last year, BSing anything has gotten easier (even calc hw 9__9;;; )
hagane_no_tokage
heh, yah, i got thru most of my schooling via BS methods...
Lady Battousai
^o^' can we please not fight...

And please do not use bad languages, thank you.

Eheheheh, xrninja I know that they were scolding Paige ignoring their request but violence is definately not the answer happy.gif. Try using some other methods to begin with.

Paige, don't be mean to people, they are just want those paragraphs break, that is all.

Fight again, then I definately going to put a stop to this! ...*looks at everyone angrily*...and when I say stop, it means you will all stop...

happy.gif thank you.
hagane_no_tokage
actually, several of us have been asking very nicely many many times for her to put in paragraph breaks and use a grammar/spelling check...but she ignored every one of these requests, and only acknowledged the good things that were said while pretending the constructive criticism didn't exist... dry.gif i think the thought was that maybe the only way to get the point across was to try a little...harsher persuasion? but then she got all offended and hostile and potty-mouthed. ph34r.gif
Lady Battousai
I see the case more clearer now...but still there are other methods...if you're meaning to ask me...it's a secret...tips to handle adults and children easily without laying much muscles on them...
xrninja
QUOTE(Lady Battousai @ Dec 16 2004, 12:23 AM)
Eheheheh, xrninja I know that they were scolding Paige ignoring their request but violence is definately not the answer happy.gif. Try using some other methods to begin with.

Fight again, then I definately going to put a stop to this! ...*looks at everyone angrily*...and when I say stop, it means you will all stop...

huh? i don't remember mentioning any violent threats. unless you considered the stiff boot of reality violence. but no, i'm usually much more violent than that. unfortunately, i've had many experiences where you can tell something to someone as nice as you can for their own good, but they just won't fricking listen unless you say it louder/with other methods (that's how i was raised. you screw up? BAM). i prefer being civil to those i don't know, but if i get ticked off in real life, i certainly don't censor myself and i have resorted to other-other methods before. the me on the forums is a relatively nice me. but i don't argue without provocation.

we'll stop when she stops, which she seems to have already done.
Lady Battousai
Okay...O_O...
Dragons04
I don't care about the mistakes, post more chapters please!
Paige the soul alchemist
well... I'll think about it.
Angelic_Alchemist
mad.gif I am very disapointed in this awful story! You just stole things from episodes of FMA and of Inuyasa! YOU ARE DISGRACE TO YOUR OWN WRITING POTENTIAL! dry.gif sad.gif Sorry..... you just need to do better.... I know you can! laugh.gif It just seems like a fantasy to me...... So do better! ALOT BETTER!

Signed the candid, but fair
Angelic Alchemist
Paige the soul alchemist
*pokes with staff* Now this is an perfect excample on why I'm not continueing. Its called a cross over. people cross anime over with other anime all the time. just Cause you might not do it doesnt mean that its bad.
Shinsei Kage
QUOTE(Paige the soul alchemist @ Jan 2 2005, 08:20 PM)
*pokes with  staff* Now this is an perfect excample on why I'm not continueing. Its called a cross over. people cross anime over with other anime all the time. just Cause you might not do it doesnt mean that its bad.

She wasn't complaining about the fact that you are doing a crossover. She was complaining about the fact that you are simply just re-writing the scenes from FMA and adding a new character into them. Most people who have already seen the whole series will probably not find it very entertaining.
chichi
[FONT=Optima]O.K now thats just messed up. im like totally in love with ed and you just freaked him up. i should find you and beat you up. dry.gif
hagane_no_tokage
and actually...in order for it to be a crossover, you kinda need to include characters from a second series... O_o


but that ^ was a little harshly unnecessary...
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