do you have a negima fanfic. well i do oh and please no konosetsu(i hate yuri)



life death and secrets.


i always told people that it was best to keep some secrets...but not all secrets stay in the dark for long.

the wind was going down and the dust on the ground flew around the two robed men.
"sir why are we out here" questioned Maison. "were here to find him" "find who" Maison asked. "Odin"s son" Lunneth reminded him as he took down his hood. then they saw a bundled up child on the floor in white drapes. he had long black hair and dark thin eyes. Lunneth bent down and picked him up off the floor. the boy let out a murmur as his eyes flickered open for a few seconds and then shut again. "we've been looking for this boy for eight years" Lunneth told his acomplace. "this is Odin's son" Maison questioned "yep this is him but i have a good feeling about him and i think i'll call him..... zhen sat up bolt right in his bed his forehead covered in beaded sweat. he had seen it... the abyss in which his father gave his life to "the deamon lord...Odin...one day we will meet....father" zhen told himself. he looked down at setsuna who was lying next to him. ever since the Kyoto trip Zhen and setsuna had been in a relationship. that was when he actually started sleeping...when his worries settled... but Odin and the day of judgement lingered in his head. he wished for a day when everyone could be free.. for people to accept him as a deamon but also as a good person. he made his way through to the kitchen only to find Lunneth sitting at the table in his dressing gown sipping coffie. "couldn't sleep"? he asked zhen "yeah" he replied. Zhen could only just make out his friends face in the darkness but his long blond hair shone in the moonlight. "its just about him" Zhen told Lunneth. "well at least we found Negi and trained him. until then we have to destroy any oni that appear here"
"i guess so" zhen replied. for a few seconds there was silence which was broken only by a smashing sound under neath them. "what was that" Zhen asked "i dropped my coffie" Lunneth replied

so what do ya think plz comment post your own and feel free to ask questions

From a quick glance I see you have little regard for grammar.
I'll just throw this line out into the open and you can try and guess whats wrong with it.


Answer;


For ellipses, which you use to much of, you only ever use 3 periods. No more, no less.

You know it's not hard to paste something into Word and run it through a spelling/grammar check.

It pains me to see Negima!'s good name dragged through the mud by one such as you.

And another thing, stemming from Popo's grammar statement, when you have a conversation with two people, generally it's not in the form of one big paragraph. Have you looked in a non-manga related book before? Ever? That is, assuming you can read.

Washu: Shut up. Dragging Negima's good name through the mud? Enough dumb fangirling. Criticism of fanfic doesn't need to be accompanied by such unwarranted insults. I'd hope others in the fanfic community aren't as full of themselves. Elitism in the world of fanfiction is just pathetic...

I'm not saying the thing is bad. I'm saying it's badly written.

well the reason is im just a little lazy but this constructive criticism is good and i have taken it in but just be warned i only just have a level 6 in english but for my age thats actually a great level to have seeing as we hardly ever learn anything. well i might continue a new chapter now and feel free to post your own.


the waiting.

today was a snowy day. evryone was outside long after the second bell and plenty of people were running about in the snow. most of class 3-a were out there but negi couldn't see how it was possible to weeve in and out of everyone there.suddenly he felt someone bump into him "negi hurry up" Asuna called back to him as he fell in the snow. he was never one to complain but now he wasn't sure what to say. as he got up he noticed lunneth in the windows towering above them. in his hand he held a sword. he instantly knew that today he would be training. when everyone was in they all started work on the winter festival stands whilst negi, Zhen, Lunneth, asuna, setsuna, konoka, yue and nodoka made their way down to the ground floor. when they got there lunneth opened a gate of light to transport them.one by one they entered it and as lunneth got in it closed behind him.whilst travelling negi wondered what they would be doing little did he know he was expected to comit a seemingly impossible task....

the candle light flickered around the room and countless demons watched as their lord sat on his throne.this was the first time they had seen him in 200 years. his armour glinted in the candlelight and in one hand he held a chalice of the enemy's blood. at the edge of the stand he was on was a long sculpture of a dragon with a hole inside its mouth. he poured the blood into it and a circle lit up behind him. the ritual was done...

so what do ya think

^Well, it's not terrible. I recommend you get a Beta-Reader though.

for christ sake im gettin abuse at shcool as i right this. (freakin chavs) anywho i dont have much time right now but i might be gettin a new computer soon.

heres the next chapter.

the dusk light fell through the tees and the bushes,peace remaineed and even the smallest animals dared to venture into the open,until a blue ball of light appeared in the midst of eveything. as it opened the eight of them climbed out into the huge forest.
"right we have everyone here now lets get this done, zhen you take everyone but negi and train them a few skills to brush up on their training" Lunneth ordered as they walked into the open. "Lunneth im not your slave you know." as he and the rest walked of Lunneth started proping up a small machine and took a seringe from his pocket. he then stabbed it into a tree and took out soom odd looking light into the seringe from the tree. "whats that" negi asked as Lunneth pushed the liquid into the machine. "its a special piece of equipment designed by magi to define the element of a certain magic and this looks like a wind type" Negi pause looking quite confused. he looked over his shoulder to the other side of the forest and then to the other."where are we anyway i mean..you never told me" Lunneth didn't answer. there was silence for a moment only broken by the sound of lunneth standing up and wondering to the middle of everything. "i never told you because you dont need to know... you see coming here has only been nothing but bad news for you" lunneth called to him. "what do you mean" he called back in a shrill clueless voice "this is the place where you might die". negi looked at him in dismay with a look of displaced comfort in his eyes. cluelessly he stumbled for the words. even though Lunneth was a nice person, even negi knew that over 4000 years of war could turn even him into a cold herted person. " wh-what are you s-saying" he uttered the words slowly. Lunneth took a stance and a card fell into his hand from his sleeve, instantly Negi assumed a stance as well. he understood what he meant when he saw the card, it definetly wouldnt be a session that they could look back upon and laugh..no this was serious, even if Lunneth was using a gi-gia. the beckoning sound of the 7 gates rang in negi's ears...and it shook him to the core.

To be perfectly honest, I could hardly understand any of that. Seriously, take a Beta-reader into consideration. You seriously need to work on your spelling, and your grammar and punctuation are way below par. Also, the characters act very out of character.

Overall: It might be good, but I can't tell because you type like a 3rd grader.

I have to agree, you can't be lazy about spelling and grammer, especially to this extent. Even if you just start off with the basics like Capital Letters and putting spaces inbetween paragraphs so it isn't just a block of text. I can see you are trying to be expressive and that is very important too, but it's getting lost amongst the mistakes.

I'm assuming too, if you mentioned chavs, you're English?

yeah im from england. i'll admit im not the best at writing but how did you know about chavs. will update soon.

^ I know about chavs because I'm English, and Popo is Welsh, so you aren't the only Brit here, no need to get defensive it is just nice to see more Brits here.

A Beta reader is someone who will check over your work for you to help with your spelling and grammer. They will sometimes also help you with your character and setting descriptions if they feel the language could be improved. It isn't a case of they do all the hard work for you, they pick up the faults you might have missed or things you didn't realise were mistakes.

Well that saves me from explaining.

I know some pretty good beta-readers, and I am one myself. Of course, I am aware that some British words are spelled different in American(i.e. colour =color, faerie = fairy I think), and because of that, you may want to decide whether you want those words in English or in American-like English.

You also may want someone who knows the story very well. Negima! is one of my favorite anime/manga (in fact I'm listening to Negi's character song right now) but if you look on Fanfiction.net, there's a whole section on Beta-readers.

So a Beta-reader is a glorified editor?


Faerie is old English. It went out with the steam engine.

Add "unpaid" to that

i wpuld be happy for any one of you to do so. if i mess up i'll try to correct thing is cause i dont know all the mistakes i make feel free to tell me and more brits YAYZELLZ any way me and one of my best friends sort of tampered with the story line but only to fit our characters in. by the way he made zhen an i made lunneth oh and in between chapters i may add a bit of my own negima history but its still in the story so that may help you understand this next chapter

as the two carried zhen back to the castle Lunneth noticed a strange life emmiting its energy out of zhen's body. it didn't bother him much until they took him into the emporers chamber. it was a room with a cieling almost 3 miles up. candles floated in the air and gave an iluminated look to the somewhat lavishley decorated room. Lucius looked towards the now open doors. lunneth went up to him with the boy in his arms. before going over to examine Zhen, Lucius muttered to the man who he was in mid conversation with. "is this him" lucius asked Lunneth with a serious face and voice to match. "yes your lordship" Lunneth replied as they bent down and laid zhen on the floor. Lucius put two fingers to Zhen's chest and then drew his fingers away, taken aback by what his telepathy had discovered. he almost fell backwards from the shock. " c-can it be, he is the.." Lucius asked himself in a state of trance. "what is it" maison questioned. "so you sense it to" Lunneth asked the still shocked lucius. " d-do you think it's...him" lucius stuttered. lunneth just noded in response. "who are you talkin' about" maison demanded. lucius turned his sight on Lunneth and Lunneth noded in aproval. "You know of the cactalysm..right" Lunneth asked him. "yeah go on" maison asked "then you know of the demon god brahms of the 27 catalyst deamons" Lunneth replied. now even maison was shocked. the catalyst deamon god that made the divine sword ragnarok from just one peice of materia was manifested by the pact that odin had cast upon him, his family and his followers was right there in front of them. and only they knew of the gods still existance. just them. no one else.

so please correct any mistakes i made .thanks. XD LOL


the battles of the war had been raging for almost 4000 years and it was reaching its final 400 years. zehn was like a god send in demon form, only the irony was not only did he not know how to use his powers or even that he was what he was but Lucius decided to let him follow lunneth around. it was only a few years after zehn was picked up that it happened.

"right i'm gonna go in here and fix something up okay" he said nealt down next to zehn "you wait here" Lunneth added before getting back up and walking through the sliding doors. Zhen, being the way he was just sat there on the concreet floor and waited for Lunneth to come out. "hey look at him" a local child said pointing at zhen from across the roads. "i think we found a new one" he added as he and his friends ran across. "hey kid" the brown haired boy said to zhen pointing his finger at him. zhen stood up. " hey kid youre gonna be our new errand boy" he said crossing his arms. zhen raised a hand and a sudden flicker of red lightning darted across his hands. "whoa boss did you see that" a boy behind him asked "i think he wants a fight" another added. "yeah they all shouted and jumped on him and started trying to hurt him. zhen just looked confused by it all and in a second he sent them all flying. the lead boy lay on the floor, a gash in his chest had been made by zhens reaction and his blood was splattered all over the pavement "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" one of the boys screamed and they all ran off in fright.

"oh god im so sorry" an embarrassed lunneth told the old lady "im not going to alert the authorities because you sealed the wound and stopped the bleeding but if you wer'nt one of them then i would press all hell down on you" the short and angry brunet told him.
when they got outside of the house lunneth spoke. "zhen..." he paused to consider what he was going to say. "zhen.. i cant raise you". Lunneth looked down at his three foot tall friend. zhen placed his finger on his chin and then turned to lunneth.
"it wasn't my fault"
the first words zhen had uttered in the longest time Lunneth could remember. the day they found him the only thing he said was "help-oh god help you all".
"i know you mean well but i guess-zhen cut him off with his reply
"its like there's something growing inside me...and besides"
Zhen seemed to pause in sudden thought.
"never mind" zhen said finally to lunneth before wanderring off, his white robes dragging behind in the dirt.

"present day"

Negi looked behind him expecting lunneth to be on the branch behind him. "boo" lunneth whispered into his ear from next to him. negi flipped over and on to another branch, slung his staff to lunneths direction and created a huge beam of energy that sent lunneth soaring backwards, straight into several other trees. " d-did i" negi asked himself but from the smoke he saw lunneth get back up, push his head back into place and wipe off the blood and dirt. "nice move he called through the wreckage. "you reacted well to my attack and you effortlessly sent me flying but this the last straw and i also happen to know you cant stop this next skill" suddenly from nowhere, his sword came towards his hand. it stabbed into the ground causing a few small cracks in the ground. the handdle was black with a few silver attachments. despite the powerful sword style he used, this sword had no handdle (as such did all of his weapons) on the blade it had writen in small letters "mundus magicum lexicum stratorcastor". countless small sumbols of the seven gates shone on the blade as Lunneth pulled it from the ground and pushed of towards Negi. Quickly, Negi ducked forward and just as Lunneth nalmost drew the blood he needed from Negi's body to finish the skill, Negi pushed himself onto Lunneth with all his weight, quickly sending them both to the floor. Lunneth was taken a back by this. It was a feet in itself that Negi could have come up with a way to dodge the Ragnarok sixth seal. "how the hel- he finnaly was cut off by negi's hand stabbing into the bottom left hand side of his ribcage. a large dark red blotch spread across his chest. "ah crap... well you did it" Negi gave him an odd look. " you struck me without mercy and fullfilled your mission". negi pulled his hand away to examine hat he had done. "you mean..." he gasped slitley and almost leaped for joy, but that would have just brought him back to the start. "by dying i meant taking the side of you that was a totl wuss and relinquishing it, so that also means no celebrating" Lunneth shaked his finger at him once and assumed to healing his ten wounds.