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Such A Flirt

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or it's characters. Just playing around with Ed's head for awhile.
Warning: Only slightly silly. Um- and breasts are mentioned. A few times.
Beta: Fullmetalfemme
Author's note: This story first came about as a flashback while I attempted to write an EdxWin lemon. That story wasn't working out, so I abandoned it and kept this bit. It fits into the "Waters of Lethe" timeline although I didn't intend it as a spin-off. Besides, it stands quite well on it's own two feet, don't you think?

Munich, Germany, oh, about 1925

One sunny Friday afternoon in April, Professor Hohenheim descreed an independent study period after the mid-term physics exam was completed. He then retreated to his office to correct the test papers and left Edward in charge of the classroom. But he didn't get much time to read the old alchemy book he'd found in an antique shop last week. It wasn't long before students eventually began lining up at his desk located in the back of the classroom to ask him questions about next weeks assignment.

The questions were easy for Edward to answer and he was breezing along quite happily until he noticed the female students were acting rather strangely. They would bend down closely - too closely - and the invasion of his personal space made him uneasy. Their perfume drifted across his nose, or a hand would touch the back of his, their breasts would brush against his arm, "accidentally" as some claimed. They batted their eyes and giggled when they said, "Oh, Herr Elric, you are so smart!" and Edward couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with them.

One girl exhibited such a startling display of winking, like she had Tourette's, that Edward blinked in astonishment, and then shook his head because he couldn't believe what he'd just seen. She'd written words on her eye lids and Edward watched them blink in and out like a neon sign: Liebe. Dich. Liebe. Dich. Liebe. Dich. Horror dawned slowly, but also surely upon him. And when it did, he stammered an excuse to the other students around his desk before he bolted for the sanctuary of his father's office.

Hohenheim looked up in irritation when the door slammed so hard the glass in the window panes rattled. His frown mitigated only slightly when he saw Edward was the source. His son's face was pale and he panted heavily as he held the door shut as if protecting the office from a rampaging barbarian horde.

"Edward, what is the matter?" he asked in some concern because his son had a weak constution and was often ill. Edward staggered over to his father's desk, and in a rush of tumbling words, babbled out his explantation.

"It's your female students, dad. They're acting - so weird today."

"In what manner?" Hohenheim was curious, but not especially concerned. In his opinion, women acted in ways too mysterious for mere men to figure out. Even his beloved Trisha had her days where he had to walk on eggshells around her.

"Well, they seem to be wearing an awful lot of perfume, and - and lipstick, um -"

"Edward! Most women wear perfume and make-up, now I have a lot of work to do, and -"

Edward leaned over the desk and whispered, sotto voce, "They kept - touching me!"

"Oh, for crying out -"

"With their breasts!"

Now Hohenheim understood why Edward's face had suddenly turned brick red. He bit his lip - hard - otherwise he would have burst out laughing. Mindful of his son's temper, he would have to fight the urge. But Edward wasn't finished.

"And this one girl, she wrote words on her eyelids. She kept - winking at me, Liebe. Dich. Liebe Dich!" Edward pulled on his bangs in outward illustration of his mental confusion, the whites of his golden eyes showing. But they narrowed when Hohenheim began to chuckle.

"Edward, what are you afraid of? Those girls think you are cute and they were just flirting!"

"Ffff - flirting!?" Edward hissed like air escaping a balloon flying about the room. "I don't have time to flirt, dammit, I'm trying to find a way home! Flirting - pfft!"

Hohenheim looked astonished at the immaturity of his middle son. Technically, Edward was barely twenty, yet old enough to be married himself. Of course, he'd never enjoyed a "normal" childhood, else he would have discovered the wonder world of girls years ago. Edward was still ranting about the stupidity of flirting, and Hohenheim realized he had to nip this in the bud, and fast.

He sighed and re-capped his fountain pen. "Edward. I order you to get back out there before my entire classroom dissolves into chaos." Flirting is an entirely natural part of grow - ah!" he held up one ink-stained finger in warning when Edward opened his mouth to protest. The younger man reluctantly snapped his mouth shut with enough force his teeth clacked together.

Hohenheim continued.

"After class, go up to that girl and apologize to her for running off, then ask her out for a coffee," he had to hold up his finger in warning when Edward tried again to interrupt. "She won't bite and you may even enjoy her company."

He dug into one pocket for his wallet and removed a small sheaf of deautschmarks. Edward took them reluctantly when Hohenheim handed them over, and stuffed the bills into one of his own pockets.

"Now, go! I have work to do, these test papers won't correct themselves!"

Edward sighed dramatically, and turned around to leave. Just before he opened the office door, he sighed again, then, as if he was internally bracing himself, straightened up to his full height. He shook his head, making his long ponytail whip back and forth over his shoulders. Edward turned to look back once at his father, his gaze level and finally, calm. Then he faced forward again, and walked out, back stiff and head held high.
Know why this is funny? Because anyone can see this happening, I love that rather than deny he's lost when it comes to flirting he attempts to claim he has no time for it.
That was hilarious, but as Chiyo stated it is all the more humerous because you can really picture that happening in real life. Hohenheim's reaction to his son's rather startled behaviour is priceless. Poor Ed, attempting to cover up his inability to flirt by saying he needs to find a way home. Great job bringing the characters to life and for creating a highly entertaining yet "real life" scenario. Ed really does need Winry to teach him the ropes.
Thanks for the kind words. I thought "This is Ed all over" when I wrote it. But did anyone catch the movie I was (kind of) referencing with the girl who wrote Liebe and Dich on her eyelids? Virtual chocolate chip cookies for anyone who figures it out.
Raiders of the Lost Arc, and oh boy would it be hard to choose between Ed and Harrison Ford....
At least Indy doesn't run out of the room in a complete panic.
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