HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
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So Long, ? x Win [You find out later]+two deaths
ed's secret ...
post Mar 4 2005, 08:08 PM
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So long
?xWin [You find out later on in the middlish sort of place...]
Character Death
Note: Angsty
Win: 20 yrs Ed:20 yrs Al:19yrs
---------------------------------------------------
Winry let out a despaired moan as she lay on the couch. She glared at the table seperating her from Pinako sitting on the other couch. She let her vision wander around, stopping at the window. It was a cold and unforgiving day...And it was raining. Winry let out a sigh. Just another horrible day.

There was a silence between them as Pinako sat on one side sipping a cup of tea, and she lay and and thought about taking some Prozac. Pinako took another sip of tea and set her cup down on the glass table. She folded her hands, sat back, and observed Winry. Pinako knew what Winry was thinking.

"Winry, you need the physical presence of someone to love them. You can't survive on a memory forever..."

"...........................That 'memory' was a real person once......."

Winry turned over and stayed silent.

"All you can do is..... heal, and move on."

Winry gnashed her teeth together and turned angry.
She turned back over to face her grandmother.

"I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!" Winry yelled.

Winry turned back over angrily and snuggled herself in the fluffy part of the couch.

Pinako let out a sigh and stared at the floor. What Winry didn't understand was that she missed them too. Both of them. Winry cared for both too, but she was talking about one of them who she gave special attention to. She gave caring to one that, she could never give the other.

"Winry?"

"What?"

"Do you care for one more, than the other?"

She knew the answer but, she wanted to relearn it from her grandaughter. Just so she could make sure.

"Be honest ,Winry."

Winry stayed silent.She didn't really want to answer this question, considering what Pinako would do with her answer but........ She knew she would have to answer it anyway.

"..........Yeah, so?"

"Nothing..."

But, now she knew for sure.

"You love him.... don't you?"

"......Yes ,but..... He and his brother are dead...."

There was a long silence.

"But......... He killed himself.....On our roof..."

Another pause.

"His brother had been killed in the war by menace of the enemy...They had fought together... but, the enemy just wanted to show off....They knew how to kill him..." Said Winry.

Silent tears flowed down Winry's now red eyes, tired of crying, tired of tears. Her back to her grandmother, she would cry out her pain.

"He shot himself because the last of his family ,his only brother, was dead. He couldn't go on. His life was destroyed. And... he couldn't take it..."

She buried her head in her knees and paused while crying.

"Damn it.... If I hadn't gone to that stupid automail convention, maybe I could've stopped him *sniff* ...."

She could still remember it. The last seconds of his life were horrible. The problem was, she could still remember them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Start flashback
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winry and Pinako had left Ed on his own for a few days to think about what had happened. They came back walking to their house.

"Wow, the house is still standing, I thought he would do something irrational with it..." Commented Pinako.

They walked up to the house looking all over it checking for explosion marks, termites, etc. Winry looked up at the roof. She let out a gasp.

"Ed!"

He was standing on the roof with his back to them, his shoulders relaxed, and his automail transformed into a machinegun. Soft sobbing could be heard in his heavy breathing.

"Ed!!! Please don't!"

"Edward, don't do it!!!"

"I can't live like this anymore..." He said quietly.

Winry and Pinako yelled. Ed turned his head around slowly, sobbing all the while. His face was pink from tears , his eyes were red from crying and extremely late nights, his left arm had slashmarks on it he could only have made with his automail, and his face had a cross slashmark on his cheek. His eyes were filled with horror, tears , and emptyness.

"*sniff* So long, my friends..." BBBLLLAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!!???!!!!***

Fffffffffwwwssshhhh--- Thud.

His eyes closed peacefully as his bowels emptied and he fell from the roof. Once he hit the ground, his blood spilt freely ,like his soul.

"Ed, nooooooooo!!!!!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End flashback
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winry cried out loudly.The memory was too horrific. Pinako felt extremely sorry for her once she started.She stood up and put her hand on Winry's shoulder.

".....Why don't you go visit his grave?"

Winry stood up and faced her.

"I'll *sniff* be back later *sob*..."

"Don't forget a ---"

CREAK! slam!

"--- raincoat..."

Pinako let out a long sigh. Her tea was cold.
----------
It was raining quite hard on Winry's back as she ran. But she didn't care.She ran to the cemetary a little east of the town. She ran for a few minutes and got there quite soon.

"Hmmmmm......." She said.

She looked around for their graves.Nooo, nope, not them, aaa aaa,hmmmm....
After a little walking around she found their graves in the north-east side.She then presumed to reading the descriptions on their graves:

Alphonse Elric
Gentle and patient as can be

She smiled. True. Very true.

Edward Elric AKA: The Fullmetal Alchemist
Short in stature,
Tall in pride,
A true man

She sat on her knees sobbing. Ed. Forever gone. She cried.

" *sigh* "

Huh? Who was that? She didn't sigh. She turned around. ........ She couldn't believe it. She was so shocked, she couldn't move, not even to blink.

" Yo."

"E-E-ee- Ed?"

"That's mu' name."

He wore his long red cloak waving in the wind, his black tank ,and black leather pants underneath.His long bangs waved in the wind and he owned the cutest grin. She smiled. She ran as fast as she could to him. Unfortunetely, this led to her slipping on some mud an rock in front of her. She slipped going down trying to break her fall with her arm. Ouch.

"Owwww....." She said holding her arm.

"That must have been embarassing..." Said Ed with a grin.

He walked over and kneeled beside her. He took her arm gently and rubbed the bottom of it tenderly. Huh? He's....... so warm... like... he's not even in this rain... He stopped and looked at her.

"Does it feel better?"

"Ummm, yeah thanks Ed..."

They stood up and looked at each other. For a few minutes, they said nothing.It was very quiet. Winry broke the nonmovingness by running into Ed and crying into him.

" *sob*"

"..........."

Ed said nothing as he hugged her tightly.Winry cried into him. There were no such words to express their feelings at that moment.

"I missed you so much, Ed *sniff*."

"Me too, Winry."

She stopped and looked up at him.[He was easily a little taller than her] She stopped crying completely.She blushed as she tried to say something.

"Uh, um, Ed... I sorta... you know..."

"You don't need to say anything, I feel the same way."

".........I thought you died Ed..."

Ed did not answer.There was a short silence.

He leant over and whispered into her ear gently.

"You know I have to leave Winry."

He broke their embrace. Winry looked down and involuntarily cried.She didn't want to cry.It made everything difficult. But, her tears were too powerful to overcome.

"Why do you have to leave?"

"I'm not coming back but, I'll be waiting for you..."

"?"

"..............."

"Goodbye Ed..."

"So long, Winry... I'll be waiting for you...in Oblivion..."

"What?"

"So long..."

Ed kissed her softly and dissapeared into the rain.
---------------------
Winry woke up.

"Damn it... Just a dream... A good dream..." She sighed deeply and unhappily.

She felt some soft material covered over her. It was warm and silky...

"Hmmm?"

She picked the fabric up.A red cloak.She turned it around.A black insignia.She smiled and felt extremely happy even in this miserable atmosphere.It wasn't a dream. It was a wonderfully dreamy reality. She looked up into the stars.

"So long Ed. I'll meet you in oblivian. I swear..."

She hugged the ruby material to her face and slept there, dreaming warmly with Ed.

Fin


----------------------------------
So long
A song
made by.... Me!!!
for this fic
----------------------------------
He pulled the trigger of that gun,
he considered his life done,
he shot himself on their roof,
and 'e drained away his youth

Shed a tear for those who've died,
shed a tear for those who've cried,
shed your tears for their families,
who found themselves crying on their knees,
shed your tears for all this earth,
shed your tears for all they're worth

She waited near his tomb,
his spirit came up to loom,
he told her not to wait for him,
then his spirit grew dim

She looked at letters of obsidian*,
well, she said, see ya in oblivian,
so long, so long , so long, oh,
so long

* the letters engraved on the tombstone
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Chiyo
post Mar 4 2005, 08:19 PM
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Oh how sad sad.gif
*sniff* I wanna be happy.....
Joking, a good piece of work with some excellent descriptions.


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sharpieaddicted
post Mar 4 2005, 08:21 PM
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that was very nice,
it was sad that it was them two but it wasn't surprising it was them.
FFWWWSSHHHH..


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ed's secret ...
post Mar 4 2005, 10:05 PM
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I'm glad you all liked it. I'm going to edit it and add a song at the end so be sure to read it, one more time.
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shardypsykoelf
post Mar 4 2005, 10:14 PM
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Wow....

Powerful....you've done well in capturing the emotion of the plot...

Poor Edo... sad.gif


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ed's secret ...
post Mar 5 2005, 03:12 PM
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Thanks everyone. *yays* It was a sad piece of work wasn't it? *sniffs*
Hey, I've become a good angst/romance writer! *yays*
I've added a song now.
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hagane_no_tokage
post Mar 5 2005, 05:24 PM
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hm...well, you requested my opinion, so i'm going to give it to you. and anyone who knows me knows i never sugar-coat a review...

this was...okay, but i found a lot of it terribly out of character, personally. also, much of your imagery was trite and drab, you could have easily made this fic much more...visible, if you will, by simply spicing up your adjectives using a common household device known as a thesaurus. people underestimate the power of the thesaurus. here, let me break it down for you:

QUOTE
It was a cold and unforgiving day...And it was raining. Winry let out a sigh. Just another horrible day.


you get your point across, but it's very flat. it almost sound as if you decided to describe the weather as an afterthought and didn't have time to really put any thought into it.

also, the whole thing about Edward killing himself on the roof... uhm...how can i say this tactfully...? well, i really hated it. it's overly dramatic, for one thing...and i know that Edward is never one for discretion, but if he was going to kill himself--which is something i can NEVER see him doing--he would do it silently, without a big show, and surely not in front of Winry and Pinako. his family is more important to him than anything, he would never intentionally cause them that sort of raw anguish by taking his own life right before their eyes. and the fact that he killed himself at all is the most OOC thing i have read in a long time, to be brutally honest.

think about it, honey...if Ed were the suicidal type, don't you think he might have harbored such self-destructive thoughts, say, after the very tragic and untimely death of his dear mother? and moreover, killing himself would have made everything he had ever done worthless. all the people who had died helping him would have died in vain. and he would never have allowed Al's death to be in vain.

and Winry...if Edward had died, and Winry really DID meet up with him again--however unrealistic and dream-sequency the scene--do you honestly think she'd let him get away without at least ONE wrench to the head? come on, WInry's no flowery prim-and-proper little girl, she's a violent, loudmouthed tomboy, and she shows her affection best when she's injuring people. this demure, weepy Winry is alien to me.

and forgive me, but the waiting in oblivion line is just corny.

on the good side, your spelling is good, your grammar is refreshing, and overall, the technical work of this fic is quite passable... MUCH better than most of the fics i've read, you actually seem to have taken the time to proofread and/or have someone beta for you. you've got a good foundation, but your characterization and your allover writing style needs a little finesse. have you read the manga? perhaps you'll have a better idea of character nuances if you get a little deeper into their heads? the anime barely scratched the surface of the deep and complex nature of the Hagaren characters, so i highly recommend the manga to really get a good picture of who everyone is.

in any case, overall, it's definitely not in the same league of green as some of the fics i've read...but you've got a ways to go, IMO. ganbatte!


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Chiyo
post Mar 5 2005, 05:45 PM
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That, everybody, is a real critic at work biggrin.gif


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Le Monkey
post Mar 6 2005, 01:28 PM
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I will have to agree with Tokage.
I liked the spelling and grammer but the plot is too.. How do I say this?

Blunt..
Lil Edo was never the suicidal type, As Tokage Sais, Read the manga.
I didnt like the whole idea of Edos suicide.
Wouldnt he have done it when his mother died, Or when he failed the transmutation?
I dont like the idea of him doing it with Winry and Pinako there..
He just would not do it.
Im sorry to crittisise but I am awnsering your requset.

As a rating... Maybee 5/10... If that.
Sorry to be so negative but Im being honest.

Monkey, Out.


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ed's secret ...
post Mar 6 2005, 04:54 PM
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Thank you for your opinion. It's ok, I'm not too offended. I'm not a very good writer, I just write stuff to see how much people liked it. As long as as you liked it at least a little, that's good. Now, if you didn't like it at all, I will come to your house, and I will cut you.
[kidding, maybe] Tokage, I'm very honored to have your opinion here.

Cheers,
e.s.a.
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Phyco girl
post Mar 17 2005, 04:56 PM
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Good job! I read some of your other work and commented on it too. No offence but your characters seem out of character. I hope you'll put a bit more thought into the character's background. I do love the EdWin pairing though. Also spelling and grammer= GREAT biggrin.gif


GOOD LUCK TO YA'!!!
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ed's secret ...
post Mar 17 2005, 07:26 PM
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Thanks for reviving my thread Phsyco girl. I like overdramatic things... Don't you? I always check my spelling ,as a rule.
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Phyco girl
post Mar 18 2005, 03:30 PM
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I know you can make stories that'll WOW all of us. I just didn't like the part where Ed commited suicide. sad.gif *tear*
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ed's secret ...
post Mar 18 2005, 03:41 PM
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I actually got that idea from a fic on FF.net called "Whiskey lullaby". I thought I could make something out of it if I made it with Winry instead of Roy. Don't worry, I didn't copy it, I just took the idea of suicide and ran with it... Thanks for the support Phsyco Girl. I'm going to make a happy story next, I promise. Now I just have to find the time...
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