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Gashole
post Feb 12 2005, 06:48 PM
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Tell us about your family!



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Slashrose1010
post Feb 12 2005, 08:03 PM
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@Gas-Knuckles (can't spell): You are not american or caucasian? (Stupid question) Anyways, what ethnicity are you, out of curiosty? I glad to see our forums are diverce smile.gif

I grew up (still growing) in an American-Vietnamese home. My parents are strict and conservative. I would like to be brought up between the caucasian and asian degree. My parents are too strict and white families are too lenient. I am a well behaved kid, why can't they let me go out more?... Anyways, I value family but I don't agree with anything my parents say (morally, politically, religiously, etc.) But I still love them.


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Chiyo
post Feb 13 2005, 04:12 AM
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I grew up in a British household in which I learnt to respect my parents decisions. I did for a while have to face my Catholic grandfather who was an intense and scary man. I should have been brought up a Catholic not a Christian by his belief. If I saw him today he would probably burn me on a pire or send me to be a nun. Thats not to say I'm wicked...he just had very stern opinions about what was right

All my parents ever wanted was what was best for me. They encouraged me through my education and pushed me when I wanted to give up. Alot of British families (though this number is failing) pride themselves on being smart, polite and proper. It was my school more then my parents that upset me. My school didn't concentrate on trying to get someone to achieve their best, they concentrated on doing well in league tables so pushed those who couldn't give any more then thay did.


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post Feb 13 2005, 07:48 AM
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QUOTE(Gashole @ Feb 12 2005, 08:48 PM)
You said your mother likes that you're one opinionated son. Well, fastforward to 10 years from now. Would you want your cute little daughter to start yelling at you and flipping you off? I'd be pissed off, especially if she does that when I tell her to dress more appropriately and to not do certain stuff.

I probably shold be more clear. My expressions of my opinions were not innapropriate or disrespectful. I would stand up for what I thought was meaningful and after consideration of what others would say. I did follow rules. It's not about rule breaking or acting out, but it's about expressing well your dissatisfaction over things. This inspires discussion.

What you don't know is that my father is emotionally abusive and I refuse to be a victim. Sometimes culture hides abusivness. I've seen it when I was in social work. I had a friend who saw women and kids who were physically and/or emotionally abused because of thier culture and the failure of the husband/father to properly respect and love his family. Culture is not an excuse for being a victim.

Yes, in 10 years my daughter will fight over things because of what she thinks and believes. My challenge will be to force her to think and express herself. Also, I inherited my father's "severe depression" which makes me sometimes emotionally abusive. I know that I have that element in me, so I compensate. I have to do regular reviews of my own actions to make sure I'm not inappropriately taking out things on my family. When work is tough, that's not an excuse for me to take anything out on my wife and daughter.

In fact, when I do, I thank God my wife will call me on it. Also I have no respect for myself when I do and I have no respect for those others who can't separate thier family from work. They need to realize that their family shouldn't suffer because they are frustated at work. They should do what I did, quit your job and look for other work that won't cause your family so much stress. If your family only cares about the money you bring in (i.e. needing it to be superior than others), then you are being a victim of your families abusiveness. When work was affecting my family, I talked it over with my wife and we decided that I would leave and look for something else. Guess what, we don't have much money now and are still stuggling because many things haven't gone as expected, but my family is doing well - we are going through this together.

As far as the average "american" family, you're right about how stupid they are. I am one who will never consider divorce something to be taken lightly. When my wife and I had trouble and we were thinking of separating, I was fully prepared to give my wife and daughter everything she needed to make sure she was ok. I realize the value of commitment, which is what is missing in most families. Love is taught as some feeling, but love is really a true commitment where feelings are the reward for commitment.

So, yes, you are right to think that the "american" version of the family is a joke. But even some cultural families are horrible. The challenge is to make family meaningful and move forward with it and to be culturally critical of the family. If you are going to have a family of your own, be thoughtful of yourself and know yourself enough to properly love and respect your family.


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eerabbit
post Feb 15 2005, 10:20 PM
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its true that we have to respect our parents but mine sometimes just dont listen.. its like they tune me out and are totally ones sided in the "discussion" that they lose their temper in and blame me for yelling but thats only because they yelled at me first, do they expect me to sit there while they scream things about me that are totally untrue?!


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Bling_bling_Ange...
post Feb 15 2005, 11:15 PM
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QUOTE(Gashole @ Feb 12 2005, 06:48 PM)
Let's open the discussion with a happy face. smile.gif

QUOTE
Sorry, but I hate parents like that. they really piss me off when I talk to them and how they brag about how they got their kids to do what they wanted. Their kids always look so frustrated too.

I'm very glad I grew up in a fully americanized home. I had every opportunity and ability to yell and scream back at my parents. My mother even told me that one of her favorite things about me was the fact that I wouldn't just accept whatever the hell people told me.


I'm actually pretty satisfied about growing up in a non-american family. Kids need to respect their parents and parents, too, in their own subtle way, respect their kids. I'm sure they didn't raise you, feed you, clothe you because they hate you. I'm not saying parents are always right, but they're also humans and they've done a lot for you, and for that they deserve some respect.

You said your mother likes that you're one opinionated son. Well, fastforward to 10 years from now. Would you want your cute little daughter to start yelling at you and flipping you off? I'd be off, especially if she does that when I tell her to dress more appropriately and to not do certain stuff.

I think that Americans in general underestimate the value of family. People get divorced as easily as they get married, and kids run away from their homes too easily when they have a Problem with their parents, which is weird, cause to quote 7th Heaven opening song: "Where can you goooo when the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome...."

.......I'd like to say "in conclusion," but apparently there's no obvious points in this post and I can't even make up one. I guess this is just another little rant from someone who will never assimilate the American culture.
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Very well done, Gassy... props to you. You put down gratitude, respect, and bare logic in plain terms... bless your heart... happy.gif


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xrninja
post Feb 16 2005, 03:11 AM
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QUOTE(eerabbit @ Feb 15 2005, 09:20 PM)
its true that we have to respect our parents but mine sometimes just dont listen.. its like they tune me out and are totally ones sided in the "discussion" that they lose their temper in and blame me for yelling but thats only because they yelled at me first, do they expect me to sit there while they scream things about me that are totally untrue?!
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i think that happens to most people--or me, at least. you guys have heard about my family rants a lot; my dad....well, i love him and i hate him. or rather, i love him, but a lot of the time i don't like him. he's sometimes very irrational and doesn't always know how to express himself and like me, he has a horrible temper, and so when he gets angry at me i can pretty much expect to hear "you idiot! stupid! looking at you makes me sick! your brain has problems!" it hurts some to hear that, but by now i know that he doesn't really mean it and that he's just getting out his anger in the only way he really knows. of course it was worse before when he hit me more, and i really hated that part of my childhood. spill your drink at dinner? smack. skin your knee and cry? suck it up, be quiet, or get spanked. miss a math problem on a test? get whacked rather hard with a pencil on your head. i don't like how i was punished for the smallest things, but it has built my character in certain ways. and physically, it's been fine lately; the last time i remember is sophomore homecoming, when i was accused of infecting our pc with a virus (and i still firmly believe that i was as much to blame as any other users of the computer in our household) and...yeah. but he's so stressed. even more so lately, and it's frustrating for me as well, because it's all taken out on me, and stuff like my grades and college stuff adds to his stress.
QUOTE(arche @ Feb 13 2005, 06:48 AM)
Also, I inherited my father's "severe depression" which makes me sometimes emotionally abusive. I know that I have that element in me, so I compensate. I have to do regular reviews of my own actions to make sure I'm not inappropriately taking out things on my family. When work is tough, that's not an excuse for me to take anything out on my wife and daughter.

In fact, when I do, I thank God my wife will call me on it. Also I have no respect for myself when I do and I have no respect for those others who can't separate thier family from work. They need to realize that their family shouldn't suffer because they are frustated at work. They should do what I did, quit your job and look for other work that won't cause your family so much stress. If your family only cares about the money you bring in (i.e. needing it to be superior than others), then you are being a victim of your families abusiveness. When work was affecting my family, I talked it over with my wife and we decided that I would leave and look for something else.
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true; it isn't right for him to take out his anger on me. but i don't really want him keeping it all in either. he's been working at AMD for what, 15 years now? he's worked his way up to a VP position and works from 8:30am to 10-2am every day and right now he's in texas for a business trip, despite it being my sister's birthday. he works so hard for his family. my sister's at law school right now, and i'm going off to art school in a few months. AMD's stocks aren't doing that great either, and he won't be able to retire for awhile. whether he gets along with his daughters or not, he wants the best for us and the rest of the family. and at the same time, he has diabetes and sometimes kidney stones, and isn't very healthy. he loves us and makes sure we're well provided for, even if we don't spend very much time with him at all. he's going to suffer another few years at work to pay for my college, and if that stresses him, fine. take it out on me. it's not like i expect him to find alternative methods of relieving his stress, but i'm okay with being the victim. in fact, i'd prefer it go to me rather than distribute throughout the family. and i will probably cry at the time, as i am a pretty big crybaby (another frequent-spanking-childhood-aftereffect), but i know not to take it to heart. he doesn't want to quit his job and not let my sister finish law school, or make me go to a UC for art, when private schools provide a better education. he's trying his hardest, but he's not superman.

sure, my family life has done good and bad things to my character, but i assume that'd be the case no matter what kind of life i had while growing up. i have a terrible temper, i get violent at times, i cry a lot, and i suffer from depression a little. but i was brought up to be well-mannered in public, to deal with crazy situations in a level-headed manner, and to not let myself be a doormat (ironically). but when my dad says that i'm not allowed to go out for fun on school nights or weekends, okay. he's not doing it out of spite, but rather for my own good, and though i may be angry with his decision, i'll obey it. i won't be like some of my friends, who'll sneak out behind their parents' backs and go have fun. i've been living under my parents' roof with their money and they've spent my whole life raising me, and i'm grateful for that. if he tells me to do two SAT practice tests a weekend and one or two every day during school breaks, okay (and that sucked really really badly, but i did most of them and it did pay off. >__>;; ).

i see kids in malls and restaurants now, and looking at some of them makes me just really dislike how some kids are raised these days (and contributes to my overall dislike of children). i was raised in a strict chinese household, and seeing these kids running around unreined gets me a little bitter.

i was at the library with a friend the other day, and the posts indicating the line for checkouts were all attached by a bar at the top. the middle post didn't touch the ground, and this little boy was just clinging to it and swinging on it, despite the fact that it was dangerous, and people in line had their books stacked on top. and his mom was standing next to him, and all she was saying was "please stop swinging on the post. please stop, get off. i'm asking nicely, now, please stop swinging on it." eventually she got him off, and a few seconds later he was back on, and after a few more "please"s she gave up for a little bit. the pair got a lot of disgruntled stares from people in line, and the next time she got him off, she compromised so that he could shake the post with his foot, as long as he wasn't clinging to it and swinging around.

my friend (who grew up in a very similar household, if not worse) and i were kind of disgusted. we probably wouldn't have done that to begin with, but if we did, we would have definitely gotten an a yank off and an angry "stop that right now! or i'll spank you!" in chinese. and then a scolding afterwards and revoking of privileges. we followed those orders without a fight (self-preservation instincts, you know), but we didn't grow up to be mindless zombies. we're both very opinionated (and easily angered) people, and if you piss us off or argue with us, we will let you know that we're pissed and will argue with you as long as it takes. and at the same time, when they teacher says to be quiet, we'll be quiet; when sensei asks us if anyone didn't do their japanese homework and we didn't do it, we'll raise our hand. if i'm being yelled at and i don't agree with whatever's being yelled about, i'll "talk back" to a reasonable point, but with my parents, i know when i should shut up. i don't like the way we were raised, but we know what orders to obey and which to stand up against.

when i grow older and if i have a family, i won't raise my kids the same way. i'm not going to jump on my kids for every little mistake and i'm not going to punish them like i was, but i will be as strict as i have to and expect for my [rational] commands to be followed. i'll spoil them moderately (though not as much as some of my friends are -__-) and will give them what they need and to a reasonable extent, what they want, if it's financially okay. i wouldn't want to abuse my status and power; i believe that the head of a family should have his or her authority respected, and at the same time earn that respect.


yikes, that was a long post. sorry, i get a little babbly-ranty on this kind of topic. @__@;;


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Le Monkey
post Feb 16 2005, 06:09 AM
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^ Posting, So many letters.......

Wow.. Well I am being braught up in a British country home.
I wish that, As Chiyo Said, We could have more families who prided themselves on being smart, well spoken and proper.

I like to think of myself as a pretty good kid, A little forgettfull but good.
Well I dont like to make an opinion on other peoples state of living or home life unless I know all the diferent veiw points.
I like to think most things through, Unfortunately I take too long and the opertunity has been missed.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has not judged me on where I live but on what I say and do.

So, Thank you.


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post Feb 16 2005, 10:42 AM
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I will say that the discipline in the "traditional chinese" home is appealing to me in that I also can't stand what kids get away with now.

My daughter had a time when she was around 2 years old where she was hitting other kids in day care and the day care was getting upset about it. Well, one of the teachers even said that they wanted to suspend her (the teacher spoke out of turn, but still it made my wife and I very upset). My wife and I forced the day care to work with us on getting things in order. We took the harder route, which was to keep a journal on her activities and behavior.

If there was an issue the night before, we would write it down and give it to the teachers. They then had a heads up for issues that came up. They also knew about any rewards we were going to give my daughter (i.e. going ot grandma's, watching something special on tv, etc...), so they had the opportunity to tell my daughter that she wouldn't get to do something if she acted out. It worked really well to the point that within a month she was fine and not hitting anyone.

As a discipline spanking does nothing to my daughter. I won't spank her (I'm thoroughly against it), but my wife has a couple of times and typically my daughter just looks for more to use as a fight. When my daughter gets upset, she wants you to confront her. In fact, when I go to get her when she's upset, she's smiling. So, confronting her head on just makes things worse and really increases the chaos.

I've found that using a passive restraint (a safe one for a little kid) will do more to "break" her fight than anything else. She can't stand it when I use a cradle hold on her as it doesn't offer her anything to fight against. Any pushing she does is met with gentle redirection and any yelling she does is met with silence. I swear that after a few minutes of this, she's in absolute tears and truly turns her attitude around. It even has gotten to the point that I rarely have to do that and just need to suggest it to her and she'll stop.

She's by no means perfect and I let her act chaotic more at home than others would allow, but I try to teach her better ways to express her anger. She can be as angry as she wants as long as she's in her room. She'll yell and scream, but I won't do anything unless she becomes dangerous to herself or others. I never learned how to express my anger properly, so I can sometimes be quite viscious and fully misdirect my anger. Emotions are part of life, so it's my job to teach my kid how to express them appropriately.

My way may fail, but as a parent, I can't imagine not giving her everything. She doesn't need my money as much as she needs to learn how to be successful emotionally and mentally. My failures in those areas have left me with less money than I could have had. My self-doubts have cost me more than I'm even willing to admit even though I had every financial opportunity from my parents. So in my opinion, of the two, it's more important to teach your kids internal value rather than just provide financially. Again, that's my approach and it may fail, but I must do what I can as my daughter is my responsibility.


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post Feb 17 2005, 02:58 PM
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If kids don't learn to question authority at an early age, chances are they never will. And the questioning of authority begins at home. The trick is to not just tell them you're looking out for them, but to actually prove it. Let them do things their way for a while, and see where it gets them.


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Black Rose
post Feb 24 2005, 02:30 AM
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I agree with Le'Monkey and Chiyo on that one, I was brought up in a British household too, I'd like to think I'm polite and all, but I've been brought up to be too friendly, too nice, too soft-hearted and too trusting for my own good (and a little bit innocent, when I get out into the real world I'm going to be eaten alive). ppl tell me in the real world if your too trusting you'll just be stepped on *sigh* but on a brighter note I just found a packet gum in my pocket, anybody want some? biggrin.gif
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Bling_bling_Ange...
post Feb 26 2005, 12:31 AM
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QUOTE(What @ no bacon?,Feb 17 2005, 02:58 PM)
If kids don't learn to question authority at an early age, chances are they never will. And the questioning of authority begins at home. The trick is to not just tell them you're looking out for them, but to actually prove it. Let them do things their way for a while, and see where it gets them.
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Full of wisdom, that... smile.gif

*sigh* All I can say is, that when I become a mother, I hope my children will understand why there are rules and such...


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post Feb 27 2005, 04:32 PM
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My thoughts are i'm bored dry.gif and I want to beat my friend with a stick.


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post Apr 25 2006, 01:42 PM
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My mum's too chatty I know she's only there to hel;p but OMG she can like chat on forever...I know she means well and all but oh man she just takes it a little bit too far sometimes...

My Dad's just kind a lifless I don't know much about him...all I know is that he works as an electriction and that he has a great dad and a nice mother...(My grandparents) Everything else is a mystery to me...

My Brother's okay I guess we kind a close...we always know what the others thinking...for some strange reason...although he's a pain sometimes...

dry.gif

There are other members but I will not name them...


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post Apr 25 2006, 02:16 PM
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(Holy heck, this thread is old)

There's so much I could say about my family... I don't think I could ever write it all down. There are so many dimensions to everything that goes on.

But sort of on topic...

I think that most parents fail to recognize their kids as people. Many people do, really.

My parents are far from perfect, but I think one of the greatest things they ever did for us was to treat us as capable individuals. My dad, for one, has voiced his opinion against 'baby talk'. For dogs, it's fine, but for children, as young as they come, he talks to them normally and respectfully. I think that was a huge part of how my sisters and I learned to use words so well. I also remember from a very young age, my dad would tell me about the importance of questioning things.

If there were rules, there were always reasons, and we understood them, even when we didn't exactly like them. Punishment for bad behavior when we were little went accordingly. (For example, if I got it in my head to unroll the toilet paper and stream it around the house, then the consequence would be that I had to roll it back up again, and learn how hard it is to reverse that.)


In retrospect, the rules that frustrated me did wonders in the long run. Even though all my little friends had pierced ears, I had to wait until I was nine to be able to make that decision, upon which I realized that I didn't really want to put irreversible holes in my ears. It was a rule that we couldn't wear makeup until the age of 14. I'd been so eager through midde school to put the sparkly purple paste on my eyes that all the other girls did. And I did the makeup thing kind of overkill on the first year, until I realized that I really didn't need makeup to be pretty. The rule for dating was 16, which I was super pissed about, since I was so ridiculously boy crazy for years. (From 11-15 pretty much.) It only really took that extra year of waiting for me to develop the epiphany on my own, that unlike so many of my peers, I understood that I didn't need a boyfriend to be happy, so I shouldn't be so desperate to get out and date like crazy to find it, and instead focus on the things that brought me happiness already, like learning, art, and my friends, and that if the right time for a relationship came along, then I could take that with much more moderation and maturity.

I love my family. Very much.


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