HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
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The Truth Of The Philosipher's Stone, Will one being get Ed and Al's body back
Shadow the lost ...
post Jan 17 2005, 08:30 AM
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Drip. Drip. Drip.
???: When your all alone in a dark room sometimes you go crazy on your very own thoughts. That's when you must come to peace with yourself. But i'm here for a very different reason. I'm here because I know too much. Drip.Drip. Drip. EEEEEEEK.
Roy: Still alive. No matter soon enough you'll die. Can't have you bringing up things we can't control know can we.
Boom the door shuts.
???: Poor pathetic fool. If only I can reach my whip to break the chains. I have the Jewel Crush on but no Jewels to set me free. Man for a golden glove it's sure useless know. But how can I escape. That's it. I just..have..too...reach it and...perfect. Know I need him too come in.AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Roy: What the hell.
Rushes in.
Roy: Where the hell is he.(walks closer to try to see. Checks the chains unlocks them to see if they've been tampered with.) Nothing. What a minutesince when does light bend like that.
???:Ha.(Knocks him out with a jumping kick.) would have used my fire kick but it makes no difference. (Grabs his whip and escapes) *The crystal skull sure is a good commodity*
Officer: You stop we have you surronded.
???: Crap.
Officer2: Whaaa.(Ground starts shaking and they all fall into it as it cracks.)
Ed: I heard you know about the Philosipher's stone.
???: Yes I do.
Al: How much?
???: Everything anyone would need to know. Name's Joachoim. Joachoim Belmont.
Al: Alphonse Elric.
Ed: Edward Elric know come on we got to get out of here.
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ed's secret ...
post Jan 17 2005, 08:02 PM
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That was good.Show more!
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Shadow the lost ...
post Jan 18 2005, 01:58 PM
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Thanks 001/2 get it with Ed being so short and all. Ha. nah just messin with yah. But if you like it. Here's some more.

Chapter/Part/Volume/Edition(Whatever)2

Joachoim:*We had been running for a couple of hours know we were able to get out of town there is where we held our meeting. at Kino's Butchery to be exact.
Al: Who are you truly.
Ed: And what do you know about the Philosipher's stone and Why did they trap you in there.
Joachoim: See the truth and answers too most of these thing is what I am. Or what I am half of anyway and what I hunt.
Ed:??? And that is.
Joachoim: We'll talk about later. but right know I just wanted to say thank you and. Well.....See the state was looking for the Two stone I possess the Ebony and Crimson stones because they have the power to track down the Philosipher's stone.
Al: But how?
Joachoim: Because my dear armored compainion The Philosipher's stone is to say it's mother. In the process of building and tring to create the Philosipher's stone these two stone were created. One is in my whip and the other helps me hold my relics for much longer. near infinity.
Ed: Hold on so your telling me that these two stones are in your possession and with them you can findthe Philosipher's stone.
Joachoim: Indeed.
Ed: So why haven't you.
Joachoim: this is what I was coming too. Ed. Al. Do you know who really started Alchemy. What it was really used for.
Al: No we do not.
Joachoim: You won't believe it. I'm wasting my time.
Ed: No(Grabs him on the shoulder) Tell us.
Joachoim: Find Find. See It was used to create quick escapes and powerful attacks by...Vampires.
Al: I know i'm gulable but even I think that's a lie.
Joachoim: You do do you. well what If I told you(Lean into him) I am partly a Vampire(Leans in more and shows his teeth. For years I've hunted them down. I thought it was over after I took the two stone. For a while it was. Util they discovered the Philosipher's stone.
Ed: Hold on if this is true then how are you able to walk in daylight.
Joachoim: Ah my fellow very perseptive. but remember Half vampire. But see. There not all castle and whatever. In fact alot aren't bad. well know anyway after I took the Two stones. In fact the one i'm looking for doesn't live in a castle anymore. Not after I destroyed it no. He lives where everyone can see. We all see him everyday. He's always there. Sometimes you even shake his hand. He's somebody that only comes out at night. Nah i'm messin with yah.
Ed: Next time My fist will be messin with your face.
Al: Yah what he said.(Hiding behind Ed.)
Ed:Uhhh.
Joachoim: No but seriously. You can't tell who they are. Just cause of the fact they don't even know. Or don't remember. but we have to stop him soon. His name is Walter Belmont. He was my brother. but the thing is I must find Mathias. and when I find him kill him and get the stone it will all be over.
Al: Ok.
Ed: But if we acompany you is it possible you can give us the stone.
Joachoim: Sure. nly if on the journey you prove yourself to me. but firsdt we must find them. And that alone is no easy task.
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The Nature Alche...
post Jan 19 2005, 01:07 PM
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Vampires? Why Vampires? Why couldn't it be Demons or Zombies? Vampires are creepy, but I guess it should be like that. I liked it a lot(except for the Vampires). Now I just wish that somebody else would reply to my fanfic. Again, nice job. Keep writing, I want to read more.


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Shadow the lost ...
post Jan 19 2005, 02:59 PM
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thanks and I will. But don't worry Vampires are just the leaders. Demon will come. Oh they will. Mwahahahahaha. anyway I will what is your fic.
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The Nature Alche...
post Jan 19 2005, 03:08 PM
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Unnamed, Unfinsed Story or it might be the opposite. I don't remember. Lol. I was kidding about the demons. I hate it when demons are used in a bad sense, but I guess I'll have to live with it. Why else would they have the name demon, right? Again, good luck on this story. It's awsome!


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Rena Elric
post Jan 20 2005, 06:48 PM
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This is good! Keep it up!


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Hex-Sama
post Jan 20 2005, 10:40 PM
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@Shadow the lost brother: This sure is a different story laugh.gif . Keep posting and I'll keep reading wink.gif .

Winry: Vampires, and werewolves, and demons! Oh my! *copying a scene from the wizard of oz, just using different names*
laugh.gif


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hagane_no_tokage
post Jan 21 2005, 11:05 PM
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erm, maybe i'm the only one, but i really don't like the use of a screenplay format in fanfiction, it takes away from the overall presentation of the story and just seems lazy in my opinion. the almost complete lack of directional and action blocking makes it seem very halfway done, and the fact that you didn't even take the time to write out a setting or show how any of the characters got there is disappointing. while vampire stories are rather overdone, i would be willing to give this idea more of a chance if it were presented in a better fashion that showed a little more effort and dedication...

i mean...come on, you didn't even spell 'philosopher's' stone right... O_o


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Shadow the lost ...
post Jan 22 2005, 12:41 AM
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well well well. For a state Al. you really speak your mind don't yah. Well let me speak mine. The spelling mistake yeah see i'll admit that day I was in a rush no doubt that was my fualt. But my format. See I like to mae these easier on the eyes in my case cause i don't know about you but if I see a whole page just of words and no space I'm not going to waste my time reading it. Not hurting my eyes i'm not. Also have you heard of Imagination. Yeah i like to leave somethings to it. Know I'll admit to the fact sure I should have put the backround of Joachoim. Easily my bad. but buddy come on. you gonna get on me because I didn't feel like writing a freakin whole detailed discrpition of a small town. There's alot of freakin places in this story and once we get to a big one. i'll let you know. And come on here. D I honestly need to tell you how Ed and Al got there i mean damn It wasn't like they were on a big mission or something like I said it was just usual business. For state alchemist anyway. Know if your so eager to see a formal story. a story that looks good. Then get your bum freakin a** Down here to Broudheadsville, Pocono, Pennsylvania and see my true writing that I have to come up with from scratch not based on shows buddy. See I have a dream to become famous not only in sports but also as A anime something. What I mean by something. Anime Writer, Voice, etc. Believe me like I said. I'm not lazy. I just got everything already set on the table for me. Or something like that. I in this one piece the spelling I really didn't care cause of the fact of me just trying to get my point accross.
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Quistis88
post Jan 22 2005, 01:20 AM
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If you don't care about spelling and details, then you are not fit to be a writer in the first place.

You posted this here because you want comments. And now that you're given something you do not agree with, you try to shoot it down. It's not a very nice thing to do. tokage was only trying to help you.

My apologies, but that's how I feel.


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hagane_no_tokage
post Jan 22 2005, 01:50 AM
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hou~ what have we here...? someone who can't take a little CC? i was trying to be kind about this, but since you seem to have no ear for friendly advice or eye for proper english, i can see i shall have to be a trifle more drastic.

*borrows Roy's gloves and prepares flame*

first of all, my status on this forum has nothing to do with my opinions or my discretions (or lack thereof) in stating them. however, if the ranks of this forum were taken more seriously, i wouldn't hesitate to have you court-martialed and arrested for taking such a rude attitude with a lt. colonel. civilians should learn their place and respect the opinions of those more experienced than they are, regardless of the situation or setting, even if they don't agree with what has been stated. you won't get too far in life with an attitude like yours.

now, on to my actual thoughts on this sorry excuse for an attempt at the english language you call fanfiction. your spelling, i am sorry to say, is quite horrendous. ever heard of a thing called spell-check? most word processors have them, and they are all over the internet. perhaps if you weren't so busy being in a rush to post a tried and tired plot device you would have had time to look into these things. your grammar is...well, pretty nonexistent, if you ask me. even in a screenplay format there are basic rules you follow to make the thing at least comprehensible... oh, look at that, you actually capitalized the names of the characters.

least you got one thing right.

you claim you want to make this easy on the eyes...but you've contradicted yourself, dearie... there's no spacing between lines, making everything smooshed together and thus quite hard on the eyes. and i'm sorry, but the introduction of "???" as a character...? that was just lame. you're not even trying. if you don't feel like writing a description of "a small town", then you've no business being a writer, because the setting of your story is one of the most important and pivotal pieces to a written work.

as for your characterization... i can't really speak too much or your OC... as a fellow author i know that an OC can be created with pretty free reign...but i don't think a day will come that a fan's venture into the realms of character creation will be able to down Roy Mustang with a single kick. such a high opinion we have of ourself, ey? and my, what a lot of knowledge we have given our almighty Gary-Stu character... *all* information about the kenja no ishi, hm? my my my, not even the great Hikari no Hoenheim and Dante of the Deep Forest knew *all* the secrets the stone held...but your omnipotent Joachoim or whoever he is is surely above all guidelines set by BONES and Arakawa-sensei... practice some restraint, child...

and Ed is painfully accepting of this stranger who apparently just kicked his commanding officer to the ground... philosopher's stone or no philosopher's stone, i can't imagine Ed would take so lightly the fact that this person attacked the colonel. even if he claims to hate the colonel's guts, he owes him more than that.. _ Roy put himself on the line for Ed and AL many times, and Ed doesn't even blink at Roy getting a boot in the face? tsumetai na...

moreover, you give no description, other than mentioning the teeth of your vampire... you make no use of setting, your sentence structure is abhorrent, and the fledgling plotline you've set up is cliché and overdone. someone should have paid a little more attention in english class. i will admit i don't use flawless grammar and spelling in my posts, but when i write a story, i make sure my english is impeccable to the best of my knowledge. if that's the best of your knowledge, you need some after-school study sessions, my friend, because that's pretty damn sad.

*picks up her kunai and katana* whereabouts in PA did you say, young man? i have absolutely no interest in further pursuing your attempts at literary greatness...if this is any indication as to how your original works might look, you're not exactly pulitzer material. but if you'd like to get saucy with me, i'll be right over to pound a little english into your head if you really want me to. tho i do hate to fight an opponent who is completely unarmed... in a war of words, you would be sorely outmatched, i fear...but even a state alchemist can draw green blood from time to time....

write your lousy stories if you like, but don't you dare get sassy when i tell you what needs improvement. pursue your sports dream, you seem to have the mentality for that much more than anything else. brains don't count in football, and your lack of ability to absorb constructive criticism sent your way proves to me that you're not suited to follow any sort of creative career without a lot more discipline and training.

your proverbial table may be set...but i don't see that any guests have arrived for your party.

*flaming complete, returns Roy's gloves*


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hitokiri
post Jan 22 2005, 02:08 AM
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ok first off i am no writer, i have no fictional writing talent. the only writing talents i have are for marketing reports and ads.

however i do know what's good and what's bad... your story belongs in the latter....

the plot is well just plain nonsensical. random dude with whip and whatever the hell a fire kick is...what?

the character has no depth. for that matter, there is very little motivation that makes actual sense. what's with ed just randomly appearing to ask him about the stone? why didn't he come in with roy?!

the lines are hackneyed, at best they're star trek-esque...
QUOTE
Ed: I heard you know about the Philosipher's stone.
???: Yes I do.
Al: How much?
???: Everything anyone would need to know. Name's Joachoim. Joachoim Belmont.
Al: Alphonse Elric.
Ed: Edward Elric know come on we got to get out of here.

seriously, WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?! on top of all that, you failed to capture the feeling and voice of the original characters. its like watching someone portray a hasidic hilter praying during yom kippur

also there's a reason why stories are written in paragraph format, so you are forced to use descriptive lines. the only reason screenplays can get away with their format is cause someone/thing does a visual representation, which you clearly don't have.

if you ever hope to be a writer, you had best listen to the advice of the people here and get use to critism. in fact i suggest some classes at your local community colllege or something.

ADDON: just as a side note, i thoroughly don't enjoy telling authors that are just beginning that their work is crap. its not conducive to creative thought or improvement. but the material and the attitude of the writer in this case has made it very easy for me to do so.


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hagane_no_tokage
post Jan 22 2005, 02:12 AM
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and you can click those first two links in hitokiri's signature to get yourself started on the road to recovery from this literary accident. dry.gif


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Quistis88
post Jan 22 2005, 02:17 AM
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QUOTE(Shadow the lost brother @ Jan 22 2005, 12:41 AM)
But my format. See I like to mae these easier on the eyes in my case cause i don't know about you but if I see a whole page just of words and no space I'm not going to waste my time reading it.
[snapback]94060[/snapback]

You say that, even if you typed your retort in the manner which you speak of. A little hypocritical, isn't it? If you're going to write in a movie script format or something similar, then do it properly. Even movie scripts have scene descriptions.

QUOTE
Also have you heard of Imagination. Yeah i like to leave somethings to it.

But the thing with leaving too much up to the reader is that the big hammer of ambiguity will fall upon the poor reader's head, causing them to run away from the story and to the nearest hospital.

QUOTE
Know if your so eager to see a formal story. a story that looks good. Then get your bum freakin a** Down here to Broudheadsville, Pocono, Pennsylvania and see my true writing that I have to come up with from scratch not based on shows buddy.

If you're really ready to let us see, then you should post some samples of your so-called formal writing up somewhere, or at least tell us what the story is about.

Furthermore, if you really plan on becoming a famous writer, you'll have to learn to take criticism such as this. Keeping an open mind about the good and bad that people may say about your work is the best way to improve your writing abilities. If you are simply in the writing track just to gain praise and attention, then you'll be run over by the rest of the competition in no time.


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