HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
full metal alchemist
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Protection, Don't look if you don't have humor sense
ed's secret ...
post Feb 3 2005, 05:44 PM
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My first fanfic. tongue.gif
Which means it probably won't be good. sad.gif
Oh, well. smile.gif

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Protection

Ed x Winry one-shot

My first fanfic [Please don't flame]
----------------------------------------

Ed and Al were visiting Winry.Ed's arm had already been fixed that morning, so they
were probably going the next day. All that day, Ed was blushing whenever he was close to Winry. On an unrelated note, there was a little hole in the door that was in front of Winry's room. Winry was in her room. Ed went into that room. This is where our story begins.

Al was sitting downstairs reading on rumors of the Philosopher's Stone when
suddenly, he heard a mix of loud noises from upstairs that were too hard to
distinguish. Al was a curious boy, so of course, he went upstairs to investigate.He wondered what was through the door... He tried to open it but it was locked. His
vision wandered to a very small hole in the door.And, he peeked through that hole
in the door.

He saw Ed and Winry. Sitting on the bed. Not wearing too many clothes. In fact,
Ed was just in his boxers, and Winry was wearing her tube top and shorts.Winry
was staring at the wall...BLUSHING. And Ed was looking at the ground...BLUSHING.
Both were talking in low whispers. Much too low to hear.

Al took his vision off the hole to wonder why Ed had been blushing the whole day.
He looked through the hole again and....... HOLY SHIT. Ed was right on top of
Winry. Surprisingly, both were wearing naughty grins. Al took his vision off the hole.
Then, he ran down the stairs [without making a noise], opened the door, leaped
onto his bed, and pulled the covers over his head.

Then, he laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
" At least he was using protection."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please read and review my first fanfic!!! biggrin.gif
Tell me what I need to improve on. smile.gif
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hidden_death
post Feb 7 2005, 04:21 AM
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XD lol its alright but you could could add some more i guess XD


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sevter
post Feb 7 2005, 05:08 AM
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Okay, please don't take it too seriously or anything. This is just my truthful comment on this drabble (or ficlet). It's much too short to be considered a fic.

First and foremost, there is some problem with the sentence structure. The sentences doesn't flow smoothly and the style for narrative is rather disconnected. This is DEATH to any essay/fiction. As a result of this problem, the idea that you're trying to convey in the fic doesn't really come through very well.

I take it that English is not your first language? This reminds me of a primary school composition. There is a LOT you need improving in. My suggestion is to try to read more fanfics/books, write some more fics, get a BETA reader to read through it before posting it anywhere.


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"We're from the same mold and that is a sexy, sexy mold" ~ Roy speaking to Masuta in The Alter Series
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Chiyo
post Feb 7 2005, 01:06 PM
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For just a quick fic it's sweet. With work it could become a very good piece of anmusing writing.


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ed's secret ...
post Feb 7 2005, 05:05 PM
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Thanks for replying guys [and gals]. Sevter, english is my first language.
Like I said, it's not good 'cause it's my first fic. It's also impossible for me to write
anything long because I don't have any privacy. I had wandering thoughts about
the storyline of my fanfic so I couldn't focus on it, which is the reason it didn't go
very smoothly. sad.gif But, thanks for your honest opinions, and thanks for not
being flamethrowers. biggrin.gif

[ Also, I was trying to do it quickly... sad.gif ] Oh well... wink.gif
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sevter
post Feb 7 2005, 06:53 PM
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@ESA: *wince* Sorry about that. Do try not to let people know that you were trying to do it quickly though. It's not an excuse and it's another thing that flamers/critiques can throw back at you.


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"We're from the same mold and that is a sexy, sexy mold" ~ Roy speaking to Masuta in The Alter Series
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ed's secret ...
post Feb 8 2005, 07:47 PM
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Thanks for the tip. I think I'll just go back to making doujinshi. I can focus
more... I'll make another fanfic some time. I thank you all very much.


* makes dramatic exit*

goodbye until another day...
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Gashole
post Feb 8 2005, 09:29 PM
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Why is there conveniently a hole on the door?

Also, call me lacking a good sense of humor, but what is supposed to be funny here? mellow.gif
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ed's secret ...
post Feb 10 2005, 04:01 PM
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1. luck

2. never mind that




This was something I thought of when I was hyper and not concentrating so
don't take it too seriously... Actually, I hate how it came out... sad.gif
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