HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
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Lupus Ward, My first fanfiction *not FMA related*
Rating 3 V
Hex-Sama
post Jan 31 2005, 10:33 PM
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This is a fanfic that I started on one day. I don't think it's that good so far, so I would like some advice from all of you, please.

Lupus Ward
Chapter 1 Part 1
The Pup


“Come on Mom, do I have to go?” questioned Iris.

Iris, a sixteen going on seventeen year-old, with long, strait, roan hair that cut off just before her waist. She was average and weight for her age, and also your average girly girl. Girly clothes make up, the whole nine yards.

“Yes dear, you have to go.” replied her mother, Phoebe Porter, trying to get her young daughter to understand.

Phoebe, a woman in her late thirty’s, had long, slightly curly strawberry blonde hair, which at the moment was put up in a bun. She had a slim appearance, and looked much younger then her real age.

“Come on Mom! I’ve stayed home before, so why do I have to go now?’’

“Please Iris, come with us. You know how important this is to your father. Why can’t you view it as a vacation instead of a chore or something?”

“Please Mom! I don’t like the forest. It has bugs, and weeds, and worst of all, and worst of all, no malls!” Iris didn’t really care for the wilderness that much. She was a city girl more then anything else.

“Iris…. I am your Mother, and you well just have to listen to what I say this time. Maybe if you got to know the wilderness better you wouldn’t think it’s so bad.” Phoebe hated it when she and her daughter got into arguments like this. Phoebe looked up to the clock. Six o’clock. “Iris, please go pack your suitcase while I make supper.” It was silent for a second or two, and then Iris turned and stormed off to her room.

~~~

“Why does she have to be such a pain in the ass sometimes?” Iris said aloud to herself as she pulled her suitcase out of her closet. “For once, why can’t she and dad buzz off?” She walked over to her dresser, slid out the top dour, and began to fill her suitcase. “Besides”, Iris began, “She’s an assistant to dad, who is a biologist, and her feelings toward the wilderness are different from mine.” She pushed back in the dour and opened the other dour below it. “I hate it when she tries to lay her interests and opinions on me.”

“Iris!” she heard her mother yell. “Dinner is ready!” Iris sighed with relief, “At least her cooking is good”, she thought to herself. She closed her suitcase and ran to the kitchen, her stomach growling the whole way.

~~~

“Mmmm. Smells good honey”, said Mr. Gavin Porter as he came up and hugged his beloved wife from behind.

Gavin, a man in his early forties, had short brown hair that was always combed back. He wore a grayish green business hat and suit and was lightly over weight, but didn’t look it. He was a tall man, who carried himself in a positive matter all the time.

“Welcome home, dear.” Mrs. Porter began, “How was your day? Did you find a nice clearing in a forest for our studies?”

“It’s one of the best clearing’s in the forest. It’s wonderful…Too bad Iris doesn’t want to come along.” Mr. Porter said disappointingly.

“Actually,” Mrs. Porter began. “She changed her mind; she said she’d love to come along.”

“Did she actually say that?” Mr. Porter said surprisingly. Phoebe stopped what she was doing and turned to her husband and stared into his eyes. “Did she?” he repeated.

Silence filled the room for a few seconds, and then came the Mr. Porters dreaded answer. “No she didn’t… I’m sorry Gavin, however, she is coming.”

“You know I don’t like forcing things on her, I don’t think forcing things on her are good parenting skills.”

“But you want her to go, don’t you?” Iris came running into the kitchen, cutting off her parent’s conversation. “Man I’m hungry!” Iris said as she walked into the kitchen.

“If you’re so hungry Iris, why don’t you set the table?” asked Ms. Porter.

“Fine.” Iris’s stomach growled as she walked to the cabinet to get the plates. She spotted her father out of the corner of her eye “Hello dad.”

“How was my little girl today?” He helped her by grabbing the plates at the top of the cabinet.

“I’m doing okay.” she replied. Iris reached into the fridge, grabbed the milk and put it on the table. Mrs. Porter put the salt and pepper on the table, while Mr. Porter grabbed some cups.

After the dinner table was set, the Porter family sat down and began to eat. Silence filled the room for minutes, until Mr. Porter spoke up.

“The clearing that I picked out is in the middle of Aura Forest, which is quite far from the main road. We’ll have to take a country road to get to the clearing.” Iris rolled her eyes. “Great.”, she thought to herself. “I’m going to be stuck in the middle of forest, surrounded by millions of bugs and poisonous plants. Sounds like the perfect vacation to me.”

“Is everything you need packed up, Iris?” questioned Phoebe.

“Yes, mom. I packed clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, and all that other good stuff. I have it all packed. I’m bringing three cans of bug spray too.”

“Well, dear.” began Mr. Porter. “Your going to need more then bugs spray because there are plenty of other animals in that forest. Raccoons, elk, owls, maybe even some bears and wolves.”

“Bears and wolves?! You’re not serious, are you?” Iris said as her eyes widened

“There have been some sightings, but seldom. I’m just joking with you.” Mr. Porter said with a chuckle, and then winked at Iris.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” replied Iris. It grew silent again, but Mrs. Porter began to giggle at the tone Iris used, and that sent all of them into a laughing fit. This was quality family time for the Porters, something that they didn’t get very often. Mr. and Mrs. Porter work late in the day and don’t really get to have much family time. Dinner was their way of hearing about hearing what all was going on between them. It wasn’t much, but it was all that they could get.

~~~

After the dinner table was cleaned up and the dishes washed, everyone said there goodnights and went to bed. Iris walked back to her room slowly. Looking at everything she passed by in the hallway to her bedroom. “We should really paint these walls.” “That color of white gives me a headache.”

Iris pulled her bed covers up to her neck as she rested her head back on the pillow. She stared at the ceiling for a few moments in total silence. “It’ll be awhile before I sleep in a real bed again.” she sighed. She reached over to her night stand and turned off the light. “This trip is going to be so boring.” Iris murmured to herself as she dozed off into a deep sleep.


Iris awoke to a throbbing headache. She sat up and put her head in her hands, as if it would stop the pain. “Why is it so cold?” she shivered. She gasped as she opened her eyes. She was not in her bedroom. She was not in her bed. She was lying on a hard, cold stone floor. Fright was the only emotion that she could feel. “Where am I?!” she said with her voice full of terror. “Mom? Dad? Where are you!” she screamed. She felt a sudden jolt of pain in her head again and winced as she gripped her head. “This is the worst headache I’ve ever had!” She felt a warm liquid on her head and jerked her hands down to see what it was. Her blood and lots of it. Iris screamed at the top of her lungs, her whole body shaking with tremendous fear. “What the hell is going on?!” Iris cried. She felt the presence of another and jolted her head up to see who or what it was. A dark figure, a shadow. No face, no color, just a profile. She started at it paralyzed. It suddenly lifted up its hands and a strong wind began to blow. The roll of thunder and flashes of lighting were everywhere. The figure began to speak, with a deep, dark, voice:

“The daughter of White Hawk and the Moon Goddess has come to me, and so open thy sanctuary! Let me change it to my will, to let all of creations blood spill! Open thy gate of wisdom and power, and let it rain the darkest shower! For darkness, I pronounce as my wish, and let all light from thy world diminish! Make thy world an eternal night, where light has no chance to fight!”

The storm around them intensified to a level Iris thought unimaginable. The ground beneath her was being uplifted and thrown all around her. Total chaos was surrounded her as she sat there still frozen in sheer shock and horror. Then suddenly everything stopped. The entire torn floor came down and the thunder and lightning seceded. The dark figure walked closer to Iris, who was quivering with mortal fear. The figure then said its last line in a smooth, calm voice:

“Thy world now belongs to darkness, the cruel, the wicked, the demonic heartless.”

Iris could take no more, she slumped down to the ground where she had awoken, her eyes still open wide with fright, and her sight was consumed with a dark abyss.


Iris shot up in her bed, covered in sweat, with tears streaming down her face. She sat there staring into space, recalling her hellish nightmare. Iris fell back down on her pillow, tears cascading down her face, wrapping the blankets tight around her. “It seemed so real.” she whimpered to herself. She glanced over to her night stand and read the clock. Midnight. “Oh no, I’m going to be tired tomorrow. What a horrible night I’m having.” Iris pulled the blankets high above her head and shut her eyes tight. “It was only a nightmare.” she began to say as the feeling of drossiness came back to her. “It wasn‘t real… It wasn‘t real.” Iris said as she fell soundly asleep.

***

So? What do you think? Let me have it. *gets prepared to be beaten by critics* laugh.gif


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hidden_death
post Feb 1 2005, 12:45 PM
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i think its really good


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Hex-Sama
post Feb 1 2005, 09:32 PM
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@hidden_death: Thank's for the complement biggrin.gif . For a second I didn't think anyone was ganna look at this topic unsure.gif . I know I need to work on my word usage though, maybe my grammer too sleep.gif .


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Hex-Sama
post Feb 15 2005, 06:19 AM
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Double post, I know sleep.gif . I'm sorry sad.gif , but I had to post the next chapter. Maybe I'll get more reviews. The beginning to the story is rather slow. Anyways, before I spill any more beans, here's the next part.

Lupus Ward
Chapter 1 Part 2
The Pup


“How long before we get there?” Iris asked in a tired, annoyed voice.

“Not for awhile, dear.” replied Mr. Porter.

“Why don’t you take a nap, Iris? I’ll wake you up when we reach the next pit stop, okay?” Mrs. Porter was worried about Iris. “She looks so tired.” Mrs. Porter said to herself.

Mr. Porter was driving, since he already knew somewhat of the way. Mrs. Porter was riding shot gun and acting as the navigator, with a few maps folded out over her lap. Iris was sitting behind the drivers’ seat, leaning against a big, fluffy pillow against the window. Even though it was almost afternoon, she still felt the morning chill, so she had a blanket over herself as well.

Iris shifted in her seat. “How long before the next pit stop?”

“Not for awhile, dear.” Mr. Porter said again looking in the rear view mirror at her. “Your mother is right, you should rest Iris. Your eyes look blood shot. Didn’t you get any sleep last night?”

“I had a nightmare.” Iris gazed out of her window. “It was horrible.”

“What was it about?” Mrs. Porter asked. Iris could see the concern in her mother’s face.

“I don’t know. I can’t remember it anymore, except it was horrible.” Iris lied. Iris knew exactly what happened in her nightmare, she didn’t want to repeat it, for it would make her think about it more.

“You should still get some more sleep, dear. I promise to wake you up at our next pit stop.” said Mrs. Porter tenderly.

“Okay, thank you mom”

Mrs. Porter smiled back at Iris, and then went back to playing the role of navigator again.

Iris leaned back against her pillow and shifted in her seat. “Sometimes these car seats are so uncomfortable” Iris said to herself. “Then again,” she continued, “This car isn’t the exactly the best thing on the market.”

The Porter family was driving in a medium-sized, silver car. The car had enough room to sit five people, but all the extra space was used up by the luggage. The car was a little past it’s prime. There were a few rust spots here and there on the outside, and the window on the right side of the back seat rolled down only half way. Mr. Porter put all of his biology tools in a small trailer that was hooked onto the back of the car, to haul with them.

Iris looked out her window, watching the cars, trees, and fields pass by. She suddenly felt very tired, “Maybe I should take a nap.” She said to herself. “It wouldn’t hurt.” She closed her eyes and fell asleep a few minutes later.

~~~

“Honey… Dear… Iris wake up.”

Iris heard the soft, gentle, voice of her mother. “W-what mom?” Iris said, still half asleep.

“We’re at a gas station. Why don’t you get out and stretch your legs for awhile. The way you were sleeping looked so uncomfortable.” Mrs. Porter said, and then closed the car door and walked back into the gas station.

“Okay.” Iris yawned. She stretched her arms by pushing them against the roof of the car and sighed with relief. She tossed her pillow aside. “Where is my blanket? Oh, there it is.” She looked down at her feet and saw the blanket on the car floor. “I must have got to hot in my sleep and toke it off. It is pretty warm outside today.” Iris looked out her window and saw that the gas station was almost out in the middle of no where. All she could see was endless sea of dry land.

“I thought we were going to a forest.” Iris laughed to herself as she opened the car door. She put on leg out and stretched it and repeated the action with her other leg. She hopped out of the car, shut the door and began to walk to the door of the gas station. She kicked a few pebbles aside as she walked up to the door, with her hands in her pockets. She stepped up on the cement step, opened the door, and was greeted by a blast of cool air. “Thank goodness for air conditioning.” she said to herself.

She walked slowly, looking around the walls of the gas station. She looked to her side and saw her mother and father sitting in one of the booths, talking and sipping some coffee. They looked over and waved at her, giving a warm smile. Iris waved back and gave them the “I don’t know you” look. She walked over and sat down a booth that was two behind the one her mother and father were sitting in.

“Iris, are you thirsty? I’ll give you money to buy water.” Mr. Porter said, cheerfully.

Iris bolted out of her seat and ran up to her father and mother. “Yes please!” Iris smiled. Mr. Porter toke out his wallet and pulled a dollar out of it and handed it to Iris. “Thanks, pops.”

“No problem.” replied her father, and then went back to talking with Mrs. Porter.

Iris walked up to the white counter which was lined up with mints and donation boxes. “What can I get for you?” said a corpulent man with black hair and brown eyes. Iris presumed he was of Native American descent because of his tanned skin and high cheek bones. “I’ll have water please.” As the man walked back to the freezer full of various beverages, Iris looked over to her right and glanced back at the Porter family car.

“That car looks like a total piece of crap.” Iris said to herself. “I wish we had something better. Something cool, like a thunderbird, or a mustang, or-” Suddenly a black viper with silver flames drove up to the gas pump ahead of the Porter car and stopped to fill up with gas. “A viper! Wow. That car looks so awesome.”

“Here you go.” said the Native American man behind the counter as he placed the water in front of Iris. Iris snapped back to reality and grabbed the water. “Thank you.”

“Your welcome.” replied the man.

Iris walked back to her booth, sat down, and opened her water bottle. She lifted it up to her mouth and toke a few swigs, feeling the cool, refreshing water hit the back of her dry throat. She heard the ring of the bell above the door chime as someone walked in. “It must be the person that drives that sweet looking viper!” she thought.

“Well, if it isn’t Belinda! Long time no see, kiddo.” Iris her the man behind the counter say. Iris looked over and saw a woman around her mid twenties, pale skinned, with long jet black hair, dark sunglasses, and a black ten gallon hat. She wore what looked like a biker vest, which was made of black leather, with teasels. She had a white t-shirt underneath her vest, and wore dark blue jeans, with black cow boots.

“Hello Elan.” Belinda said as she walked up to the counter. “Looks like you lost some weight since I last saw you.”

“You think so?” Elan said as he looked down at his stomach. “Thanks for the kind words Belinda, but I don’t think I’ve lost a pound. I more likely gained one.” he said with a chuckle. Belinda walked over to the freezer to the left of the counter and pulled out a strawberry Popsicle, and then placed it on the counter. “Will that be all?” Elan said with a big smile. “Yes, that will be all,” she said as she handed him the money. “And I won’t give you another cent!” she hissed jokingly. Elan laughed as he put the money in the cash register and got Belinda’s change. “Here’s your change, Belinda.” Elan said, still chuckling. Belinda toke the change, and without hesitation, put the change in a donation box for an orphanage. Belinda unwrapped her strawberry Popsicle as she turned around to get a seat, when she was face to face with some red-headed girl.

“Hi!” Iris said with an innocent smile.

“Uh…Hello.” replayed Belinda as she walked past Iris, and sat at one of the booths closest to the back of the gas station. Iris followed her and sat down in the seat across from Belinda, water in hand.

“That’s an awesome car you’ve got!” said Iris as she pointed to the viper.

"Thanks, I did the paint job myself. Before the paint job it looked like shit.” Belinda said while licking her Popsicle.

“My name is Iris. What’s yours?” Iris said, extending her hand for a handshake.

“Belinda. Nice to meet you.” Belinda said while shaking her hand. While they were shaking hands, Iris noticed a scale tattoo on Belinda’s right arm.

“Wow! That’s a bad ass tattoo!” Iris pointed out.

“Oh… That? It’s nothing. Not really that much of a tattoo.” Belinda said looking to the side, out the window, at the seemingly endless desert.

“Still think it’s cool. I can’t wait tell I get a tattoo.” Iris said, and then toke another drink of her water.

“So, where are you from, kid?” asked Belinda.

“From Kingston. It’s a good sized city. I love the city; I’ve been there all my life. You should visit it sometime.” Iris started feeling homesick right after see spoke.

“I’ve passed through that city once or twice, I think. I’ve heard many good things about Kingston. I grew up out here, in the country. I want to leave this place and move to the city, but for some reason, I always find myself coming back to this area. I don’t think I’ll ever leave.” Belinda said, leaning back against her seat.

“I and my family are on a vacation. My mom and dad are sitting over there.” Iris pointed over to her parents. Belinda turned around and looked at Mr. And Mrs. Porter, who looked up and waved to them. Belinda and Iris waved back at them, and then Belinda turned back to the front of her seat. “You’ve got some nice parents.” Belinda said.

“Yeah, they are nice, but they can be a pain in the butt sometimes.”

Belinda laughed. “I felt the same way when I was your age, but I realized how lucky I was to have parents. However, my parents were killed in a train accident when I was fourteen, and I spent the rest of my teen years in an orphanage. No one ever toke me in, they just toke the other kids, but, then again, some of those kids didn’t even know their parents. Anyways, when I was old enough to move out on my own, I came back here. The people here still remembered me, and they toke me in when no one else would. I consider the residents of this area as my family. See that guy over there at the counter? That’s Elan. He’s like a big brother to me. When I came back I needed a job to support myself, and gave me one here at the gas station. I don’t make much, but it’s enough for the rent.”

“Wow… I don’t know what I’d do if my parents got hurt. I would have no one else to go to. All my grandparents died before I was born, and my mom and dad have no brother’s or sisters. You’re a strong person; not very many people would turn out as good as you.”

“True, but I’m only this way because I had help. I would have never made it if I didn’t move here.”

Iris felt the strong, comforting hand of her father come down on her shoulder. She looked up at him and he gave her the look that it was time to go. Her mother had already walked out and heading toward the car.

“I’ll be there in a minute, dad.”

Mr. Porter smiled down at Iris, and then turned to go out the door. As he walked out the door, the familiar ring of the door bell was nowhere to be heard.

“Uh oh, I think my dad broke the door bell.” Iris said with a worried expression.

“Don’t worry, that door bell is a piece of junk. I swear I repair it three times a month.” Belinda replied, as she rose from her seat and walked over to the counter.

The Porter family car’s horn was beeping multiple times, giving Iris the signal that it was time to go. Iris got up from her seat and walked to the door, and when she was right about to open it, Belinda spoke: “See you later, kid.” Iris turned to look at Belinda for the last time, replying with “Take care“. Iris walked out of the gas station and headed for the Porter family car, while thinking to herself: “Belinda’s tattoo was really detailed. She must have gone through a lot of trouble to find an artist with that kind of skill.”

***
So? Comments? Suggestions? The action will pick up next chapter I promise wink.gif . The whole purpose of this chapter was to understand the character Iris. Thanks for reading biggrin.gif .


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Chiyo
post Feb 15 2005, 06:34 AM
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It's good. You have clearly put alot of effot in.


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Hex-Sama
post Feb 15 2005, 09:53 AM
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@Chiyo: Thanks happy.gif . My reader numbers are increasing! It's up to 2 now ohmy.gif ! WOHOO biggrin.gif !

I realized that Belinda and Iris had a serious talk and they didn't really even know each other. I could have had Elan tell the story of Belinda's past, but I thought it would be better if Belinda told it herself. The story's title will come into play in the next chapter, so stay tuned laugh.gif


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Hex-Sama
post Feb 21 2005, 12:18 AM
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Sorry to double post again sad.gif , but no one else is posting dry.gif . I made a song called Lunar Eclipse, which was made to go with this story. I haven't wrote any words to it, only music. This sound clip was recorded with Windows Sound Recorder, and I'm the one playing the guitar laugh.gif . I had to lower the quality so it would be only a few MB, so it may sound weird. Maybe I should have posted this in the Music part unsure.gif , but I was afriad to because it wasn't FMA related.

Lunar Eclipse sound clip

Tell me what you all think of it biggrin.gif .


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hagane_no_tokage
post Mar 10 2005, 11:04 PM
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wow, hex, i'm impressed, hun, this is shaping up really nicely! sorry i took so long to reply, i've been meaning to read it for a while now, and i kept getting sidetracked... sleep.gif

*rolls back sleeves* all right, let's see here... first of all, kudos on your lovely spelling and good grammar. one of the biggest turnoffs for me is poor technical work (as i'm sure most people who have seen my more scalding reviews know by now), but i saw no outstanding mistakes to yours. yay, hex!

secondly, i like the way you have characterized all of your characters. original stories are hard to write, because you have to make up personalities for everyone, as opposed to how in fanfiction, the main characters are already laid out for you, so you don't have to think as hard. a lot of originals i've read have given depth to one or two of the most active protagonists, but leave the secondaries flat and drab... you've given nice roundness to everyone you've described so far.

the first chapter was a tad rocky at the beginning. i know you were just trying to set things up...sometimes the introduction to a story is the most difficult thing to write, because without a solid initial foundation, the entire structure of the story can crumble later... your foundadtion is surely solid enough, but it came across as rather...deliberate, if that makes any sense... for example,

QUOTE
"...replied her mother, Phoebe Porter..."


i know you're just trying to make sure we all know that, oh, okay, Iris's last name is Porter...but the sentence comes across kind of awkwardly. it almost sounds like...maybe Iris has a different last name that you are making a point of with this? or...? that sentence left me scratching my head for a second. also,

QUOTE
"She’s an assistant to dad, who is a biologist, and her feelings toward the wilderness are different from mine.”


again, i know you're just trying to inform us that Iris's father is a biologist...but i would have recommended doing it in some other way that in Iris's monologue. think about it...when you gripe to yourself...do you do it that...informatively? O_o

i did love that dream sequence, however. quite vivid, nice work there. ♥

chapter two flowed very nicely, i really didn't have any nitpicks for that one...other than the use of profanity seemed a tad....unnecessary. the 'piece of shit' line about the car, and the 'bad ass tattoo'...such strong words struck me as stark against the rest of the dialogue. don't get me wrong, it's not that i found it offensive; i believe profanity, when used properly, can really add emphasis and point to your scene...but it seemed kind of unneeded where you used it, and therefore took away from it.... for me, anyway.

and...do you have a thesaurus? if you don't, you should get one. er...that comes across as me sounding like a total ass, please don't take it that way. the story is quite good as it is, but i think if you kicked your vocabulary up a notch, it could be even better. you have many repeated adjectives that are just crying to be tweaked into bigger, more flamboyant words. your imagery is...visual, but a little drab in the semantics department. instead of using everyday words, check a thesaurus and find a word that maybe you don't hear all the time. rearrange your sentence structures a tad... you'll be amazed at how much better a paragraph can flow if you simply change the order of your phrases.

anyway, i'm done being pedantic now. the point i'm trying to make is, you're a great writer from the get-go, let's see you take it to the next level. i'm looking forward to chapter three! XD

PS: and ZOMG, you play electric guitar? *jealous* your sound bit was really cool! ♥


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Hex-Sama
post Mar 18 2005, 01:10 AM
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@Tokage: Thanks you so much for replying biggrin.gif *huggles* Your right, the cursing catches the reader off gaurd. Up to that point it's been pretty clean language and then "BANG" blink.gif , out comes a curse word. I'm getting out the thesaurus also. My use of adjectives isn't as good as it should be sleep.gif , and I'm sure the thesaurus will help alot. I'm glad you liked it all so far. Did the dream sequence give you a foreboding feeling unsure.gif ? Thanks for the comment on the sound clip. The next chapter is very important, and I'm glad you came to me with your advice before I wrote it. I just hope that it won't be an extreme shocker or dissapointment.


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hagane_no_tokage
post Mar 21 2005, 12:56 PM
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not at all, hun. happy.gif it's the least i could do for all the reviews you've left for me. *glomps* i'm looking forward to chapter 3! XDDD

and yes, the dream sequence was...quite foreboding, actually. kinda spooky, nice and...*bwahaa*, if you know what i mean. unsure.gif hee, i'm making no sense today. late for work again, so i have to run, but i'm really liking how this is shaping up so far. ganbatte~!


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Auld Lang Syne...Shinkume...Tsuzureori...Tin Soldiers...Pegasus...The Space Between
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