HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI
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Edward Vs. Edward!, Alchemist meets vampire. Comical verbal attacks ensue.
Rating 5 V
Dearheart
post Apr 23 2009, 09:58 AM
Post #1


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Title: Edward vs. Edward
Author: Dearheart
Rating: Rated G for Giggles! biggrin.gif
Summary: Once upon a blank piece of paper, two very different characters from two very different fandoms happened to bump into each other. One was an alchemist with height issues. The other was a vampire with no fangs. Chaos and comical verbal attacks ensued.

This goes out to all of you who are Team Edward - as in the REAL Edward! *wink* The knight in shining automail - our awesome, butt-kicking, short-ranting Ed - was around long before sparkly people began invading Stephanie Meyer's dreams. This is also something that anyone who's familiar with both FMA and Twilight can enjoy. Whether you be Twi-hard or Twi-hater...if you know both Edwards, you should like this. wink.gif

Without further ado, I give you...

Edward vs. Edward

Once upon a blank piece of paper, two very different characters from two very different fandoms happened to bump into each other.

One was short (but don't tell him that!), had long blond hair pulled back in a braid and wore a striking red overcoat. The other was tall, dark-haired and wore a T-shirt with "I'm 2 sexy 4 my sparklz" printed on the front. The only traits they had in common were their genders, golden eyes, first names and the utter shock of meeting each other. Both gasped dramatically, pointed a finger at the other and yelled,

"IT'S EDWARD CULLEN!"

"IT'S EDWARD ELRIC!"

After shouting the obvious truth to the world (hey, this is the realm of fan fiction! Of course they'd recognize each other right away!), the two Edwards stood in stunned silence and scrutinized each other carefully.

Wow, he really IS as short as I've heard he is... Edward Cullen mused, scratching his pale, glistening, perfectly-sculpted chin. (Fangirls across the globe instantly went into cardiac arrest.)

Edward Elric simply gulped. He's ...tall.

After another minute or two of uncomfortable silence and sneaking peripheral glances at each other, at the same moment, one thought flashed through their minds:

I bet he thinks he's the better Edward.

And then:

Hehe. We'll just have to find out then, won't we?

Evil smirks spread across their faces. This could be fun.

They turned to each other, fake grins barely hiding the glint in their eyes.

"Hey there."

"Hey."

Edward Cullen casually smoothed back his hair and flashed a smile. (And in hospitals around the world, thousands of defibrillators were needed for the fangirls I mentioned earlier.) "Dude, I'm a vampire."

Edward Elric snickered. "Yeah, without fangs..." he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" asked the fang-less vampire.

"Er, I said I'm an alchemist!" The teenager's face transformed back into a picture of innocence, complete with a halo and a bright grin. Edward Cullen raised his eyebrows in suspicion, but soon shrugged it off and graced the universe with another charmingly crooked smile...one that was just a bit smug, if you squinted hard. (And I won't bother mentioning what happened to all the fangirls this time.)

"Hey, do you have a car? 'Cause, like, I have one. It's a Volvo. And it's almost as shiny as I am."

"Pfft. Who needs a Volvo to go places when you got legs?" Edward Elric shot him a smile that was twice as smug and reached down to wipe a bit of dirt off one of his well-worn boots in not-so-subtle emphasis; then he straightened and looked his rival full in the face, one eyebrow raised.

Edward Cullen narrowed his eyes.

This was war.

Before long, the smart remarks were flying back and forth, thick and fast as gunfire.

"I have superpowers and telepathy."

"I have brains, alchemy, mad fighting skills and a personality."

"I have golden eyes and a godlike figure and..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, HOLD IT. There's only ONE Edward around here who's allowed to have golden eyes and that's ME."

"Says who?"

"Says the Edward who had them first, that's who."

"Well, I bet you don't have cold, hard, pale-white skin that sparkles in the sun."

"Nope. I have automail."

"I'm practically perfect in every way."

"I don't NEED to be perfect for people to like me. OR fall in love with me."

"I've got the most beautiful, perfect, delicious girl in the world. Her name is Bella Swan..."

"Heh, really? I thought her name was Mary Sue."

"Grrrrr..."

"And anyway, I've got a hot mechanic named Winry who could kick her whiny butt ANY day...with nothing but a wrench!"

"At least I know how to woo a woman."

"At least I don't stalk the girl I'm interested in."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm emo and angsty and have a tortured soul."

"Well I'm emo and angsty and have a tortured soul for a REASON."

"Pfft. You're just a dumb anime character..."

"Well you're just a fake vampire - no, strike that. You're a carnivorous disco ball."

"Well I'm invincible!"

"I'm somewhat realistic!"

"I sparkle!"

"I do short rants!"

"I sparkle!"

"Who CARES!?"

"I have more fangirls than you!!"

"I have more character depth than you could ever HOPE to have!!"

"...I'm tall."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO TINY YOU CAN SQUISH LIKE AN ANT, YOU SPARKLY CREEP?!!"

"Pipsqueak!"

"Gary Stu!!"

"SHRIMP!!"

"THAT'S JUMBO SHRIMP TO YOU, JERK!!..."

"Are you in need of assistance, Edward Elric?" A deep, booming, obnoxiously cheerful voice sent the verbal attacks (and the dialog-heavy fanfic) to a big, screeching halt.

Wide-eyed and startled out of their heated argument, the two testosterone junkies turned to see who'd interrupted them.

To put it all in a nutshell, the newcomer had no shirt on and looked like a cross between Mr. Clean and Arnold Schwarzenegger (body-builder-wise). There was one, blond curl sitting atop his shiny scalp. He also had a thick mustache and several pink sparklies floating around his head.

There was another person, too; a teenage girl with blond hair and flashing blue eyes. Flip-flops, cargo pants, greasy mechanic's gloves...it was obvious she didn't really care what she wore as long as it was comfortable and good for getting messy in.

"Edward, you idiot!" she yelled, brandishing a wrench in one hot-tempered fist. "If you go and start fighting and wreck your automail again, so help me, I will give you another concussion!!"

Edward Elric slapped a palm to his face and groaned, "Why them, of all people? Well, I guess I should be glad that jerk of a colonel didn't show up, too..."

Edward Cullen just blinked and stared at them in confusion. "Uhh...who are you?"

"Who am I?" boomed the Mr. Clean/Arnold Schwarzenegger/shirtless person, stumping towards them with earth-shaking footsteps like a big, friendly elephant. "I am Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strong Arm Alchemist!" He stopped in front of the baffled vampire (who now looked like a shrimp), struck a pose and happily flexed his bulging muscles one or two times for good measure. The number of pink sparkles increased.

Edward Cullen shook his head, took another look at the man and promptly freaked out. (Remember how prone he is to bipolar-type mood swings? Uh-huh.)

"Y-y-w-h-hey!" he spluttered, pointing a shaking finger at Armstrong. "Y-you have sparkles! And a godlike figure! That's MY thing! You stole my shtick!!"

"Hoho! Don't be so sure!" Armstrong bent down to meet Edward Cullen's crazed eyes and pointed a large finger right at his nose. "Having sparkles and a godlike figure was my shtick before you even EXISTED, lover-boy..."

"Hey Ed?" The girl pulled off her gloves and came up to Edward Elric (who still looked far from thrilled), stopping at his side to throw a skeptical glance at the other Edward (who was still freaking out about the massive, sparkly elephant of a man that had descended upon him).

"Who's that guy? He kinda creeps me out."

"You don't wanna know, Winry," he sighed. "You don't wanna know..."

~ The End ~ biggrin.gif


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Dear pain, it's been a long time.
Remember when you were holding me tight?
I would stay awake with you all night...

~ -:- ~
Ed art by NellaTheFairy on deviantART.
EdWin lovers, click here!
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Makika
post Apr 23 2009, 11:11 AM
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Oh god, simply awesome *-*

Congratulations!


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Dearheart
post Apr 23 2009, 11:15 AM
Post #3


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Haha, thanks! Glad you liked it! Automail!Ed PWNS Sparkly!Ed ANY DAY! biggrin.gif


--------------------

Dear pain, it's been a long time.
Remember when you were holding me tight?
I would stay awake with you all night...

~ -:- ~
Ed art by NellaTheFairy on deviantART.
EdWin lovers, click here!
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Tombow
post Apr 23 2009, 01:30 PM
Post #4


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*giggles* biggrin.gif

Nice job!! I enjoyed it very much!! happy.gif


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Dearheart
post Apr 23 2009, 03:05 PM
Post #5


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*grins* I'm glad it made you giggle! biggrin.gif


--------------------

Dear pain, it's been a long time.
Remember when you were holding me tight?
I would stay awake with you all night...

~ -:- ~
Ed art by NellaTheFairy on deviantART.
EdWin lovers, click here!
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fullmoon
post Apr 23 2009, 04:15 PM
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Haha! Nice work Dearheart! Brilliant!

I really enjoyed that! ^0^
Yay! Hagane no chibi-san won! (man, he would killl me if i said that XD *hides*)...


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edo little kid
post Apr 25 2009, 08:36 AM
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Awwwwwwwww !!

aheheheheheheheh XD

it's soooo funny !!

I like it ^o^
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KidAkabane
post Apr 25 2009, 09:24 AM
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That made my day! happy.gif this is just hysterical! Of course we all know shiny automail beats shiny vampires any day of the week. wink.gif Now...what would happen if Cowboy Bebop's Ed was thrown into the mix? laugh.gif


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Dearheart
post May 13 2009, 09:58 AM
Post #9


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Oh gosh, I forgot about THAT Ed...I'm not sure I wanna know what would happen, lol.

BTW, I'd love to turn this into a cosplay-skit-thingy. But I have two problems: 1) I have NO idea how to get it going, as I have no idea where to find a group who'd be willing to do it (and I'm too nervous broke to go to an anime convention myself), and 2) even if I DO get it going, would it be too...controversial? The last thing I'd wanna do at a con is stirr up a battle between the Twi-hards and the Twi-haters. stitchface.png

So...yeah. Any advice would be great. biggrin.gif


--------------------

Dear pain, it's been a long time.
Remember when you were holding me tight?
I would stay awake with you all night...

~ -:- ~
Ed art by NellaTheFairy on deviantART.
EdWin lovers, click here!
Go to the top of the page
 
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Lieutenant Wrath
post Oct 7 2009, 01:02 AM
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This is officially my favourite Fanfic EVER!! Lol I went on Yahoo Answers and saw a question that said Elric or Cullen? (I'm always looking for these, or typing it into Google, just so I can say Ed on every poll there is.) and everyone said Ed Elric!!! (of course they would, everyone knows Ed Elric pwn Edward Cullen!) YAY i've read this before somewhere but it's great to know who actually wrote it! biggrin.gif laugh.gif tongue.gif I had this 1/2 hour long conversation with my friend on how much more Ed Elric rules. Then I had to leave... An answer to your question, hmmmm, maybe you could just say "This is for people who love Ed Elric more than Edward Cullen" plus, you're at an anime convention, so most people would!


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jacksparrow589
post Oct 25 2009, 09:31 AM
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I officially love this, and I know it would be AWESOME as a skit! If I had more time (and friends who could cosplay), I'd so volunteer to help make this an actual skit! (It'd definitely need a narrator--that's for sure. Your narration is far too entertaining to leave out!)

"Carnivorous disco ball"... pffft! *breaks down laughing*


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Causmicfire
post Oct 25 2009, 04:23 PM
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Oh, my, this is epic, and really needs to be a skit. XD


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Erika-Zoe
post Feb 14 2011, 11:00 PM
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Haha I love this! Our little Ed beats Edward Cullen any day.... ( Don't bash on me any present fangirls...but i absolutely HATE twilight. Wanna see some real vamps, check out Vampire Knight biggrin.gif) I never thought of it but you're right, they DO both have golden eyes!*gasp* There can only be one... Therefore I propose a fanfic where the two battle it out biggrin.gif I just thought of another defense on Ed Elrics part.... Can Cullen go by the title Edward AND Ed, and be awesome either way?? No, Ed just doesnt fit him....dont ask why it just doesnt. Point for Elric! biggrin.gif
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Rainshine
post May 9 2011, 06:50 PM
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Haha, this makes me laugh so much. xD This would be awesome as a cosplay/skit, and if I ever find a group that would be willing to, I would loooove to do this. (but, like you I'm broke and hardly ever get to go to conventions so yeah. >>)
Anyway, I enjoyed this very much. Except now I can't get the image of Armstrong being Mr. Clean and Arnold Schwarzenegger's freakish lovechild out of my head. ;___; HNNNG.


edit: Aw crap, sorry, I didn't realize that this thread hasn't been posted in for several months. D: Sorry mods!


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