A/N: I've had some complaints about Riza being OOC in this, but it's supposed to be a little random humor from Roy's point of view. My intention was that everyone would seem a tad out of character because it's Roy's filtered view of the truth. Well, Enjoy!
Procrastination and Coverup
She paused at the corner of the building to gather her bearings. The instant she entered the building, she knew she would be attacked fro every angle. She took a deep breath before sprinting to the door. She stopped dead in her tracks when--
She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw—
“Colonel, put the book down!” Roy Mustang slowly looked up, moving as slowly as possible. Riza Hawkeye stood overtop of him, holding a most likely loaded gun to his temple. She did not look pleased. “Now!”
Roy gingerly placed the novel he was reading on his desk. The book had barely touched the surface when Riza snatched it up. “Not ten minutes ago, I walked in here and told you to put that book down and get started on that paperwork! It’s vital that that paperwork be completed on time and—”
Roy began to nod off and think about his novel. What was going to happen? What did she see? He had to find out what happened next! He had to—
The color drained out of Roy’s face and his ears rang from the gun shot.
“Now that I have your attention,” Hawkeye smiled at Roy’s obviously shaken demeanor. “Get to work. If I catch you slacking off again, you will regret it.” She leaned close to Roy’s face and smiled. “Trust me.”
Roy gulped audibly.
“I’ll take care of this.” Riza walked out of the room, carrying the book.
Well, damn! Reluctantly, Roy poked at the pile of paperwork, hoping to look at least a little busy. Just outside, Riza sat at the secretary’s desk to be able to watch him like a Hawk…eye…
Crap… Boredom has a way of warping the brain’s natural processes. Roy resolved to actually complete his work and blame Hawkeye when he completely lost his sanity.
Hours later, Riza stood up and walked off. Roy leaped on the opportunity and started digging through her desk, looking for his novel.
“Where did she put it?” He finally found the book in the bottom left-hand drawer. The lock was broken so that if you lifted the handle as you pulled it, it popped open, but remained locked.
“Colonel, what are you doing?” Roy stuffed the book in his coat and closed the drawer with his foot.
“I require a map of Creta to complete some of the paperwork.” Riza eyed him suspiciously.
“Then you’d have better luck asking Sheizka. Don’t dig through my things.”
Roy nodded and walked off, smiling to himself as he heard Hawkeye test the locked drawer to ensure it was still, indeed, locked.
Roy opened the door to Sheizka’s office. As usual, piles of books obscured his view of the bookworm. Not so usual, however, were the sounds floating out from behind said books.
Roy stepped into the room. “Sheizka?”
“Ah! Colonel!” Sheizka jumped up into view. Her glasses were fogged up. “Um… how can I help you?” She nervously took her glasses off and rubbed them on her uniform to remove the fog.
“I need you to find me a book.”
“Ah, yes! Of course!” Sheizka took a step out from behind her desk and stumbled.
“YEAMmmmph” Roy arched his eyebrow at the strangled sound coming from behind the desk covered in books. Sheizka cleared her throat.
“Um… I need a particular book, but I can’t remember the title or author. It’s a small book, about 13 cm by 29 cm by 3 cm, with a dust jacket. And—” Sheizka was already digging through the bookshelves.
“This should work.” Sheizka handed Roy a non-descript blue dust cover with the words ‘Creta: a pocket guide’ on the front. Roy took the piece of paper and looked at Sheizka, puzzled.
“I asked for—”
“Colonel, you don’t have to try and fool me. No one remembers the exact dimensions of a book and not the title or author.” Roy slipped the dust cover over his novel and thanked Sheizka before leaving the room.
“Is he gone yet?”
“Shhh!” Roy’s eyes widened when he heard Havoc’s voice from the vicinity of Sheizka’s desk. He quickly left the room and closed the door behind him, trying not to think about what Havoc was doing in Sheizka’s office, let alone why he felt the need to hide under the desk.
“Colonel!” Hawkeye glared at Roy as he neared his office. “How long does it take to retrieve a map?” Roy held his novel-in-disguise as if it were his writ of passage.
“Sheizka was busy helping Havoc with…” Roy cleared his throat. “… ‘research’…” Riza stared at him in shock.
“Havoc?” Roy nodded. “And Sheizka?” Roy nodded. Riza’s face transformed through a parade of colors, starting with white, then cycling through green, pink, and red. She clenched her teeth and nodded towards Sheizka’s office. “Right now?” Roy had a small battle with his conscience then, wondering if he really wanted Riza to storm in there and go trigger happy, or if Havoc and Sheizka really deserved that. He finally decided that the inevitable chaos would be a perfect distraction from the paperwork of doom and allow him to finish his book.
“Yes.” Riza pressed her lips together so tightly they turned white.
“Okay.” She carefully sat down at her desk to continue her vigil.
“Okay?” Roy may have been slightly disappointed, but he was mostly confused.
“Don’t you have paperwork to do?” Roy gulped and fled back to his office, not wanting to feel the wrath of Hawkeye for the second time that day.
She smiled as the General patted her on the back.
"You’ve done a wonderful job finding the head of the revolt. You will be rewarded for your efforts." She grinned as she reached for her gun.
"It was simple, sir. The answer was quite obvious." She pressed the barrel of the gun to the back of his head.
"You?!" She fired.
"Such a sad man. Even at the end, he denied he was at fault." She sat back in his chair, ignoring the blood covering her clothes. She smiled as the guards filed into the room to investigate the shot.
It was a good day to die.
Roy sighed and leaned back in his chair, smiling. The best books always ended in mutany. He scribbled some nonsense onto the last piece of paperwork just as Riza entered the room.
"Colonel!" She smiled in surprise. "You’re finished?" Roy nodded. "Congratulations! You can go home early today!" Roy turned to leave the room. "Colonel,"
"Hmm?" Roy paused at the door and turned to Hawkeye.
"I’m proud of you, Colonel." Roy smiled at her.
"Good night, Hawkeye."
Riza shook her head at the mess on Roy’s desk. She picked up the book he had taken from Sheizka with the intention of returning it to her. The book slipped out of its cover and fell to the floor. She stared at the book laying there for a moment before her brain processed what had happened that day.
Outside, Roy leapt into his car and ordered the chauffer to drive.
"Where to, Colonel?" Riza ran outside to find him, waving the worthless paperwork in the air, screaming like a banshee.
"It doesn’t matter, just drive!"